You know when you get that question you don’t want to answer. And then you find yourself answering it in way more detail than anticipated. You know? Man these lyrics are perfect for these thoughts.
Let’s back up. I guess you can tell I did a lot of thinking on my birthday huh? I fully admit I fall into that game sometimes where I shit rainbows and butterflies. Life is good. No life is great. Everything is going well. Or worse… I’m fine. It’s a game I am far too familiar with and hate to say, I find myself defaulting to lately.
I am that friend that will do everything in my power and ability to make you feel good. I will make sure you understand why you shouldn’t hate yourself, why you should feel confident in your skin, why you should only see beauty staring back. Then I go and beat myself up.
Yesterday, I felt a lot. I don’t know if it was because it was my first time celebrating my birthday alone or because I got asked that first question ‘but what really is on your mind’. Either way, it left me wanting to really set a needed goal for myself this year. The crazy 24 year old in me wanted more.
There is one mentality I can’t seem to shake. The lack of confidence in myself and more importantly the lack of self love. I know I know, sounds all crunchy but listen to me when I say this is a big holding back point for me. I work so hard to not feel compassion towards myself.
My life for the last almost 8 years (wish I was exaggerating) was always hyper focused. What I mean is, I always had one thing consuming me. It changed each year, each small period of time, but it still came back to that one tendency to put one thing in the center and revolve my world around it. For a while, that was my ED. Post treatment, it was my exercise. Then it was food. Then it was school. Then it was this. Then it was that. You get it.
The problem with all of this is focusing on that one thing made me closed off to what was actually going on around me. It made me just so distant from people, from honestly life as a whole. I think that is why I just had these major mood swings and heightened awareness of all my struggles. I couldn’t embrace the good because all I saw was the ups and downs of this one center focus. This hyper focus on one thing is my downfall. This big ugly downfall that comes back to bite me in the ass when I am most vulnerable.
The difference now is – I don’t have a center. I am not saying I don’t feel stable, no, I just have this openness to all things. I work, but I don’t only work. I run, but I don’t only run. I hang with friends, but I also cherish the me time. It just works. Plain and simple.
Over break it hit me really hard that I still have those same thoughts – I don’t have to do this until I change myself. Hold up – so right now I am not enough but instead have to wait till I reach that point of being enough. Eek. Pictures were hard. Clothes shopping is non existent. Getting dressed is even hard. Confidence to stand out is gone. You see the problem? I sure do.
But this balance feeling – sadly – is feeling off kilter. I want to change but not in all the right ways. I want to be closer to people yet push them away as safety. I want to express what I really feel but can’t find the words. I see myself as strong but want to change a lot about myself.
Not fun. So that’s my ramble. That’s ‘what has been up’ in this neck of the woods. Mind games people, mind games. But I am a firm believe you need to let it out in order to work on it. No one is perfect. We all have our downfalls. Welcome to my achilles heel.
Question: What is your pitfall these days? Any current struggles you need to get off your chest?