I haven’t done a serious post in a while. Ironically, it has been all I have wanted to do lately but I can’t seem to get it out. Or even get that second to think, digest and ramble. It hit me hard though when on my run yesterday with my friend a guy ran past us and said “you girls are smiling too much to be running.”
Gaining has been a negative word in my past. A word I heard thrown at me a lot. A word I avoided saying myself. A word I refused to act upon for a long time. A word that made me turn all anger inward. Gaining was something that meant change, growth, and the worst the physical cost. But like a lot of parts of recovery, it was inevitable. So it happened. I did it. And yet, that word gaining still left a nasty taste in my mouth two years down the line.
I’m laughing at my above statements now. Why? Because I let gaining hold so much emotion and so much power, when in reality it deserved none of it. I know no other way than to take the power out of something than to break it down and counteract it.
DC still was not home after a year but something clicked come June. And better off things continue to click here. I can’t say I will be here forever but I do know it has helped me gain and get to a place I never thought possible.
- GAINING friendships. Top on my list here. Living life is about letting myself be in other people’s company. I got so used to be alone that letting others in seemed impossible. What I have found though is nothing feels better than a laugh with new friends. The biggest change from last year in DC to this year is that my friendships feel stronger, sturdier and more trustworthy, even if they are not here in person.
- GAINING vulnerability. I tend to push people away when I feel like they are getting to know me too much, or getting too close, or are pushing me too far from my comfort zone. Instead, I am forcing myself to roll with the immediate discomfort and surprisingly finding it way worth it. Who knew it would even bring people closer?
- GAINING confidence. I can talk a big game, I mean anyone can on a blog, but I always struggled with showing up as Alex and being ok with that person. It is nice embracing me and being pretty proud of who I put forth. Work, play, personal, it’s me. I write here, no care for grammar/spelling/or the right way because for so long I lied to myself on who I was and where I was. I still look back at those tough years in high school and college where I let my ED define me. For once, I know in the moment that this is who I am, take or leave it.
- GAINING strength. Physically, I am the strongest I have been in ages. I am back to that girl who could bike across Europe. I am back to that girl who family members don’t worry about daily. I see it in my running, my constant gains in body pump, the functions my body could never do. I am not that breakable girl I once was. Yes, breakable, tiny and breakable.
- GAINING inspiration. It is so important to find the right people. Whether it is over the internet, in person or even through an outside perspective. It is nice to feel like those people I interact with daily, even just through texts, emails, comments, froyo dates, whatever, are the people I should be surrounding myself with. I am at the point of feeling pretty darn lucky for the blog connections I have made and even the friends I get to see daily. Lucky and blessed.
- GAINING variety. I mean sometimes I sit back and see where I am in the moment and am just shocked. I could never imagine being able to do what I do now, be with who I am now, eat what I can now, it still blows my mind. I had dug this dark hole for myself and had almost succumbed to living there. I am so glad I found this new thirst for more, and I swear I am not stopping here.
Call this post lame. Whatever. My blogging has been all over the place and I kept getting those questions of ‘hey how are you’. This is probably the best explanation for all of that. I can’t promise if I will blog tomorrow or next week. I used my blog for so long to fill this void of needing to be less alone. All because I was afraid to engage in real life. Now I am finding life comes first. I do enjoy blogging so I doubt I will stop but my constant ins and outs needed a bit of an explanation. I swear I am not ditching you guys, I am just trying to keep working on my gains.
Gaining. Just a word.