I wrote a post and deleted it. Every single word. I haven’t done that in a while.
I like being in control. I like knowing I can make my own decision and really frame what I want from what I put in. Call it type A, call it perfectionism, it’s me.
Then there is the part of me that hates being that much in control and having to make all the decisions. I have those swirling thoughts that wonder would it be different if I chose one or another. Or I have those moments of complete indecisiveness where I fear choosing one way would make me miss out on other opportunities. There are times where I want nothing to do with it and things to just happen. Case in point, I over think. And most of all, I doubt myself.
Rude awakening, the real world is like that. Those big girl pants (well dress) I tend to shy away from need to be put on. For the first time, the ball is in my court and I have only positive amazing options to choose from. Which hoop to choose? No idea. I don’t talk about my work much here. A distance that still probably needs to happen, or at least for a little bit. Just until the loose ends tie itself together. I do have a few blends out there that I fully thank for putting up with the crazy details I throw their way.
Instead, I want to come back to this strong pattern of doubt that creeps into my life. I don’t doubt others, I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt myself. And oh boy do I doubt myself.
If I say the word DOUBT what comes to mind? Doesn’t that word just make you cringe and shake your head. We all have those, those thoughts of doubt, those fears of doubt, those times where doubt just takes over. When I think of doubt, I tend to think of what it prevents me from doing. I tend to think of all those debilitating results on the other end of that doubt. So when I started writing this, I realized I was giving doubt way too much power.
Self doubt is crippling and paralyzing to my life right now. I know that. I fully take responsibility for that. I beat myself up because I can’t push through that mindset, I can’t just say ‘ok I’ll roll with the punches’, and I struggle to just let life happen. Something I have spoken of and something I need to revisit is how to reframe this doubt and take that LEAP OF FAITH.
A leap of faith is one that is not always easy to make, but necessary to do. Leaps of faith have an unknown ending in many cases. That result that you won’t always be 100% certain of. I have taken many leaps of faith in my life. I don’t regret my leaps of faith because each one has taught me more about myself and others. I think it is so important to reflect on those leaps we have all taken because that is how you grow. I have taken these leaps of faith before… in my recovery when I entered inpatient treatment, in taking my current job, and in becoming an open book person, sharing my life with the world.
Where am I going with all of this? It is time to let doubt be my on my side.
- Doubt will allow me to reflect on my current situation and where I can go from here.
- Doubt will push me to try new things, even if they seem totally out of my comfort zone.
- Doubt will remind me it is ok to not be perfect.
Vague… sure. But I think we can all walk away from this with some kind of message. Life is meant to be lived. Over thinking each and every moment, wondering what is ahead, makes you forget about the blessing you have in front of you. I have some pretty tough decisions ahead but boy are they freaking amazing opportunities. Doubt be my guide. It always helps to sprinkle in some humor and sarcasm as well. Therefore, my theme song of the week…
Question: Do you find you suffer from self doubt? What pushes you out of that doubt?