I think to the outside reader I seem like a pretty even keel girl. I don’t lose my temper a lot and no fits of rage are thrown in the office. Yet, I can’t deny that I have this little part of me – ok maybe a bigger part of me- that is a rant monster. I tend to internalize these rants more than let them out but boy when I get going I can’t stop. I am not sure if this is a good trait or a bad trait.
I went to bed Monday night wanting to drop kick a stuffed animal, woke up went for my run got that ‘life is good’ feeling. Head off to a networking meeting which went stellar, boo ya friend, again ‘life is good’. Enter the office no internet. Laughable despite the fact we can do nothing. Read some blogs, feeling a bit more ragey than normal. Still holding it in. Tipping point, the wonderful (cough sarcasm cough) public transportation that I live on between all the travel I do. Oh metro, oh bus you always make me ragey. (I don’t even need that roid rage that Molly is gonna be rocking)
I am a firm believer though that laughing when you want to scream is sometimes necessary. You all got a kick out of meeting my gym go-ers in my apartment building so why not the characters on the metro?
- Nose Flare Fiona: This gem enters the metro and expects a red carpet. No seats are open and it is like there is wind up in this place as her nostrils flare up like the devil itself. She continues to flare, flare and more flare until someone gives up there seats. No fire hazard yet until she discovered how to shoot fire out of those nostrils.
- Pop Wannabe Phil: Oh Phil, you have earphones in but they are the crappy kind that make me listen to your music as you do as well. I am trying to ignore the fact that Kesha and/or Avril Lavigne is blasting out. You can mouth the words if you want to, I know you do. They may be 30 years younger than you but keep dreaming man, keep dreaming the pop dream.
- Babbling Barbara and Betty: Oh no he didn’t, oh yes he did. Man whoever that boy is I would not want to be caught in the crossfire because you are going at him. Don’t worry, I like listening to swears at what we call our outside voice for a good thirty minutes. Sometimes I can barely make out what they say but all those head bobs, hand gestures and tsking of the mouth make me want to hate you instead of him.
- Bagged Betsy: She enters and you think the world is about to end. One bag for shoes, one for work, one for lunch, one for Mary Poppins… who knows what else. Of course though she is set on getting to the smack middle of the train so in the process I have acquired bruises from bags 1-15.
- Hunchback Statue Stan: This guy is not moving. He will stand at this post until his stop comes. There could be a seat right behind him, room to move all around but boy will he not clear the way. This is his roost, his beloved handrail, his spot. I know you see me man, I know you see me eyeing that one clear spot behind you. Don’t me get all crazy to get around you. Are you ticklish?
- Creepster Craig: Awkward eye contact is never a winning situation, ever. But when you are stuck in an enclosed space with lots of reflective surfaces you really realize how bad it can be. First initial hit, oh man you look away fast. Then you catch him looking at you through the window pretending he is looking at the beautiful mountain side aka cement wall of a tunnel. Now it is time to get off and he is standing behind you waiting to exit but looking at you through the class. AHHHHHHHHHH
- Huffy Helen: I hear you. The ride is long, the train isn’t moving, that person is too close to you, the temperature is too hot but I swear one more huff and puff under your breathe and your out. But *huff* life *huff* isn’t *huff* fair *huff*.
- Chatty Chandler: There will always be that guy that has his own agenda. He knows he wants to talk politics with you so even though you are forced to say hello, the conversation starting with I got a burger for lunch turns into well that burger knows nothing about Obama. It’s his agenda or the highway. As you keep thinking ‘where is my stop, where is my stop, where is my stop’
- Food Sneaker Steven: No food or drink on the metro, but he lives life on the edge. In a packed car of say 40 people, one person putting their bag to their mouth does cause some stares. Dude, I see you. The fact that it is most likely the smelliest food alive like fast food, egg salad or tuna salad – we all freaking see you.
- Nod off Nancy: She is alive, even though at first glance you begin to wonder. I actually have great respect for these people. I am way too anxious to even think about nodding off. Like how does she know if her stop is coming? Is she going to wake up? Is that drool coming out? Is she really able to sleep sitting? The world may never know.
- Ambush Ashley: Crowded trains bring out all kinds of rare forms of poeple. They will do anything to make sure their butt gets on that one train despite the fact there is one train almost a minute behind. Doesn’t matter, she is here to conquor this train. Even before she enters the door you here – I see room , move in, there is plenty of room, keep going, push!!! I am not giving birth and neither are you lady, cool your jets.
- Sweaty Stanley: Ew, just ew. I don’t mind my own sweat when it comes with exercise but profuse sweating on a crowded metro oh my god makes my hair stand on edge. Those bald guys where you literally see the perspiration. Just gagged a bit.
- Capitol Hill Carl: What a cutie, looks about 12 in an oversized suit heading off to hill to make mama proud. Oh your 25…
- CoWorker Cage: This happens to me a lot, you get on the metro and your coworker is surprisingly there or you travel together for a period. But what if this coworker isn’t your favorite, isn’t one you want to ride with. ‘Busy day… oh ya… great weather… oh ya…. slow train… you said it’ Priceless conversations that are on the brink of forced caged animal interaction.
- The crazies: Remember that story about the boob flashing lady? You find these rare gems on the bus most likely and they are definition of crazy. They just talk to themselves, to others, just babble. And sometimes flash you. Life on the bus is a whole other world.
- Touristy Trisha (with her whole extended family, son, daughter, kitchen sink): Really? You’re a tourist? I couldn’t tell. The fact that you won’t stop looking from map to outside to map to outside didn’t give it away. Or the amount of space you take up because you have no idea how to use the metro doesn’t give it away either. Nor do those thousands of pictures on the train, you want a picture of a handrail? I can make it pose for you.
- Work a holic Wendy: “i’m entering a tunnel hold on, hello hello you there..” This lady just can’t leave her work behind. She juggles about ten devices all of which are going a mile a minute. Flabergasted is a gerat way to describe it. “HELLLOOOOOOO”
- Sicky McPherson: The sick person. The one that doesn’t wash their hands, that touches everything in sight, that sneezes right on you, that coughs with their mouth wide open, that snorts snot right back up there – man these guys are anything but welcomed. It is actually just as funny seeing people’s reactions to the sick person, like they are some sort of diseased animal.
The fact that it was so easy to write says something. Public transportation is my second home. Bundle of joy.
Now back to contained Alex. You’re welcome world, I keep the crazy to myself. (Besides though few blends that hear from me on the daily)
Question: Have you seen any of these? Is there one you can think of that I may have forgotten?