You will be reading a whole lot of Marvelous today. This is a different kind of marvelous, the kind that maybe I only understand.
Do you have those out of body experiences where you look at your life from the outside in? Between a letter and daily (almost 24/7) chats with Chelsie, more (yet not enough) chat time with Allison and Molly, this post that brought me to tears (because I could relate more than you know) and of course Amanda’s brilliance on the daily – this week brought up a lot for me. I realize I ask myself one question a lot, almost a test but almost like some sort of validation. How far are you in recovery?
I try to discuss my disorder in the past, see it as no longer that all consuming part of me. But that is just it. It is that small speck in my life. It isn’t and will never be that demon that ruled my life like it once was. Yet, the word ‘recoverED’ still feels wrong coming off my tongue. Why? Because of the self love piece.
I find it the most intimidating to talk about this part of recovery because it is the one thing that still lingers. It is that voice, not a whisper like the average person may hear, but that voice you recognize more than ever. That buddy that once held my hand while simultaneously dragging me down. For those who have struggled you know that voice. It is so personalized yet it rocks you to the core. But let me explain something – that voice is not me. And that voice that used to dictate now just speaks a thought.
That’s just it. A thought. Not an action that makes me act. Instead a thought that makes me ponder and ask myself what is behind that, what am I really needing. For the first time in recovery, I am realizing how far I have come just with that fact. This body that has healed me is pretty damn powerful. This mind that once suffered now sees through the bullshit I used to fall victim to. But then why not recoveredED?
I am going to say something I don’t like to hear but there is still a part of me, a tiny little part of me, that craves the skinny. For some reason I know that thought of skinny still appeals me to me. It is like the drunk goggles that blur your vision, make you momentarily forget that maybe that extra drink wasn’t worth it. While that skinny may appeal to me in some sick twisted way, I know it is not a place I will let myself return to because in that mind frame life was anything but content.
Do you know what that mind was? That mind was something I see around me a lot, I hear a lot from others, a mind that looking from the outside in makes me realize how unappealing that body is. That mind made me beat myself up and run that extra .4 miles. That mind that made me regret that extra scoop of ice cream. That mind that made me feel guilty for that ‘light’ workout. That mind that made me find soreness all I could be. That mind that made social events something to be avoided. That mind that made me lie through my teeth to my friends. Nothing of that sounds appealing. Nothing at all.
I don’t do well with bullshit. But I do struggle with calling it out. I am a firm believer that what I ask of others, what I recommend to others I need to do the same for myself. I need to realize the talk of self love needs to be action.
Forever I will be judged by my ED past, it is just the facts. But what I will not give into is others dragging me back there or worse my mind bashing this person I have become. I have the power to laugh, show compassion, and be a friend for the first time in a long time. It’s about time I recognize that – Hey world, it’s me Alex.
I leave you with this marvelousness. 
Alex,this is a great post because I really feel like it’s completely HONEST. Quite often,I read blogs and see how people pretend to be “recovered”,yet their words make me wonder whether they don’t want to admit they’re still struggling or if they’re… well,too “blind” to see it themselves.
This being said,I don’t think you need to justify anything here; you don’t need to feel guilty about that part of Alex that’s still holding on to anorexa,no matter how tiny it may be. A good friend of mine who also struggled with Eating Disorders for many years and now is back at a healthy weight and mindset told me these thoughts will NEVER like “vanish” completely,they will always be there… So in the end, you have to accept and understand that recovery is not about them leaving your mind but about learning to handle them. When you can finally say “Hey,I’m Alex and proud of it! I may have my flaws,but well,I am human,that’s okay – and overall,I am pretty satisfied with myself.” ,you’re much likely to be relatively “free”. And even if that self-loving part of recovery isn’t THAT present yet,you will definitely get there,I know that for sure.
{Sorry for the novel.}
I agree so much with that. i have a few friends that I consider recovered yet those thoughts are still there. What set them apart and I think where I have come is not acting on them, so while I may think those things I know they are thoughts and should not impact who I am today. That is refreshing to say and refreshing place to be. thank you for the perspective and thoughtful comment
Alex this is such a wonderful post, thank you so much for sharing. I love how candid and honest you are. You are such a great person and your personality shines through on your blog – witty, smart, funny and positive. No one has the right to criticise you or judge you for a dark place you went in the past.
Thanks lady, I think I more see it as people don’t judge me by it but they will always have trouble fully trusting the new person I am – why? because if I don’t trust who I am now then it is harder to have faith in the person I put before them.
I see what you mean, sorry I misunderstood (stupid Monday morning urgh brain). I think recognising it such a huge part of change and moving on – I know it will be a long journey but it seems like you are well on your way to self love
i love you. that is all. thanks for being honest/my hero.
Thanks lady, of course my rock has a huge impact on where I am today. No doubt about that
You are an amazing woman and an inspiration! I think it takes a very strong person to share such intimate feelings, but I think that less people judge you than you would actually think.
I think I am starting to realize that I judge myself more than anyone judges me, it is that confidence I need to build in myself that will really shine through
I think that you needed to say this for you, and I’m so excited that you did. There will be a day for the past tense of recovery, and that day is not today. That day will probably not be tomorrow. But the fact that you realize that you are living in the present, looking towards and planning for the future, and looking to leave that small part of you in the past is a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing that brings tears to my eyes. Because you’re fighting, and because of your fight you are able to be a friend, and because you are able to be a friend, you’ve become one of my best friends.
I know that one day you will be able to see you like I see you, and to me, that will be one of the best days of my life.
I think you nailed it, that idea that I need to see myself for who I am. I believe all of this that I wrote but it is now seeing it in myself and having that confidence about that girl staring back at me. Strangely, helping others brings me closer to me and myself.
Oh Alex, this is such a great great post. I think that every time you post about this, I find it so brave and courageous. Recognizing how far you have come really is a huge thing. You’re so right, don’t let anyone, ANYONE, drag you back to a place that is not good.
You are a super cool chic……hope you know that!
Have a wonderful day!
That really means a lot so thank you for saying all of that. I am slowly realizing that I should be proud for where I am and let this Alex shine through on a more daily basis
Thank you for sharing and putting this out there. I always think posts like this are extremely brave, kudos to you for your courage. It’s great that you overcame your ED and I think this is really inspiring to those still struggling. I may not have had an ED, but I do feel guilty about not getting in a workout and going back for seconds. This is really well written and refreshing.
Thank you for saying all that and yes I think that self bashing, comparison trap is something that all people struggle with, even those who do not have a past like mine.
Love this. This was a perfect for me to read this morning. I think that sometimes understanding what’s going on is the hardest part. You’re doing awesome!
So true, the understanding and taking in that perspective is the only way to grow
Thanks for sharing, Alex. Definitely marvelous. I really appreciate your honesty and openness. I have found self love to be one of the hardest things.
Self love really is, I give credit to those who practice it daily and look to that for inspiration.
Recognizing this is incredibly important to maintaining your path to recovery – which, as you note, is never complete. There’s a reason that alcoholics and other addicts always call themselves “recovering alcoholics” and not “recovered alcoholics,” and it is that they never 100% beat their addiction. Eating disorders are very similar, and it’s something you’ll have to fight for the rest of your life, even if that voice becomes more and more faint as time goes on. Keep up the great work.
What great perspective and you really are right. I will always be more vulnerable to that voice and it is all about recognizing the fight and where I can continue to grow.
Such a good to honest post. I know it’s hard to write and post these, but i have to say that they’re my favorite. As you contemplate these things, you make me think as well. And as I read your thoughts on recovery, I can relate, not in the exact same way, but it’s relating all the same.
Darn roommate is asleep, lol. So I’ll just have to wait until I can turn the volume up to watch that end clip, which I am sure made this post 100 times sweeter! Okay, in all honesty it’s my fault because I can’t find my headphones… Haha.
Best song so be sure to play it later, I adore that song more than anything. These posts are the toughest to write but also the most freeing when they are put down on paper.
Wow. Just…. wow. This is really an amazing post. I know that feeling so well.The one where you’re kind of recovered and from the outside it looks like you are but then deep down there are still those thoughts pulling you back in. It’s so incredibly hard but this post literally cuts right through the b.s just like you said you like to do. That’s why I love reading your blog. You are always honest. I love that you call me out when you are concerned. I love that you can really look at yourself and evaluate. Those are all signs that eventually you will be able to accomplish that self-love and see yourself the way everybody else sees you. Thank you for this, girl. I needed to read this this morning.
I am glad it was a good start to your day. I think the process of growing from my ed will always be there but how far I have come still shocks me sometimes. It is posts like these where I let my thoughts go that I realize really where I am and how proud I am of that.
I always appreciate the honestly in these posts. I know it’s not easy to admit that there’s a part of you that still craves that disordered body, but it is definitely nothing to be ashamed of. Your eating disorder played a huge role in your life, so it makes sense that a little voice still whispers to you now and then. Like Victoria said, eating disorders are an addiction, and many alcoholics and drug addicts prescribe to the viewpoint that they are always ‘in recovery’ and that those little whispers are pretty much impossible to get rid of. Really, as long as you don’t let the voice dictate your actions, you’re golden. <3
Exactly, it is that separation of thought and action that I really think marks my recovery. I no longer let that voice tell me what to do, but that voice is still there and could be there for a while.
I love this, you can tell it was something you really needed to get off your chest and im glad you did. Alot of people in my life don’t no about my past or still struggles in the present I have every now and then except a couple friends. The friends I can text when I am having a bad day and am thinking about a binge or past thoughts. Yet I still want to open up to other people in my present about it yet know the judgement I am going to get and I don’t think I am strong enough yet that by their judgement I’ll crawl right back into my safe place. Like you said I KNOW my body is strong and lived through hell but can come back and run 18 miles once I started being good to it. I know my body rocks and don’t no if im ready to let my world see that side yet and hopefully sooner then later am strong like you and can !
BTW though I have pennies filling my jar it really has opened my eyes, thank you so much for doing that so i can join in !
i am so happy you joined in with me on the penny jar. I can so relate to what you are talking about. Sometimes I fear letting some of those thoughts out to friends, like those urges or destructive voices. In the end though, I know my friends understand it is coming from a place of ‘this thought is here’ and not ‘this action is going to happen’ which is the same place you are. A huge part of my recovery has been that opening up to others, letting them know I need them and their support.
People are stupid if they judge you. Everyone goes through different battles and no one can judge anyone, but good for you not letting it drag you down!
Thanks laurie, I honestly believe that self judging happens as much as others judging – something I still need to work on
I always appreciate how honest you are. You really do give me a reality check daily, which I need often. I admire you for everything you have been through. You continue to kick ass day after day.
Thanks Allison, I think I need to check myself a lot. It is all part of recovery, making sure that you are staying true to you and not letting any traps pull you down.
You always blow me away with your honest, Alex. It’s so easy to pretend everything is perfectly fine and going smoothly, but that doesn’t help anyone. I love “promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate”–it’s all about being positive. Hope your Monday is off to a good start!
I know isn’t that an awesome quote? I couldn’t get over it and I basically want to frame it. It really is true. Hope your run this am went well!
Wow this is such powerful post. I hope that other girls who have struggled with this can see how you got through this and find their own inspiration too. I think acceptance is so important in anything we do. I like that quote too because anytime I’m stressed about a situation, I always find myself focusing on the negatives instead of the alternatives. Hope you have a marvelous Monday!
I really liked that quote and it fit perfectly to the situation. I write these because I hope I can inspire those struggling to really look at what they are following, if it is that voice that is dictating their actions or that healthy voice inside
Such a great, honest, heart-felt post. Good for you on being strong & overcoming your ED, but still able to admit your struggles. You’re such a smart, strong lady!!
Thank you Karey, I appreciate that and am just happy I have a space to share it
Such a powerful post. And I love the Garden State clip at the end! God I love that movie
That movie, that song, that soundtrack, all my favorites in one. That song has gotten me through a lot
Ah the lingering stanky voice – I’m familiar with it as well. I used to really beat myself up over the fact that I still heard that voice… it was like I put so much work into recovery, so why the heck am I still thinking these thoughts?! But I think the most important thing is, like you said, not acting on those thoughts… Recognizing them for what they are, and not giving in. I’m honestly not sure if those thoughts ever go away completely, but I do find that they get quieter and easier to ignore.
Thanks for that reassurance, i do tend to do that whole beat myself up because I still hear that voice but I guess from talking to others who i considered fully recovered who still hear that voice, it is a little bit reassuring. Exactly though, me not acting on it is what makes me realize how far I have come
I think there are some hurdles that we will always struggle with (even if they are just little struggles.) It’s unfortunate but I think there is a difference between thinking things and acting upon them. While you may have this little voice that pops up every so often, you can choose how to act upon it. You’re strong and confident – you can squash this little voice and make it a tiny voice.
I am starting to get there but I know it will take time. I admire your vulnerability and strength.
It does take time, it really does. It was a long road but knowing I don’t have to act on it feels really good. I just think sharing my struggles is a way to help or at least make others think about their situation whatever it may be.
This is such an awesome post, Alex. You should be so proud of yourself that you can find these words to put together. I admire you!
I think writing it was a huge load off my shoulders so I am happy to just keep that momentum. Thank you for your sweet comment.
I love your honesty, especially with topics that are hard to tackle. Self love is something everyone struggles with, and I absolutely admire you for being so open about what you’re going through. Stay strong
Thank you Amanda, I guess I sometimes forget that I am not the only one who may struggle with self love so it is nice to know there are so many supports around
Girl, we are ALL a work in progress! Realizing that is a huge step! I’m proud of you for taking a huge jump outside of your head & looking at the bigger picture. Life would be pretty boring if we didn’t evolve & grow as people. Writing about it helps & I hope you know you have tons of support. Happy Monday!
Thank you for that, just all of it. You are so right, I think we all are a work in progress and I have to admit talking about it makes it feel that much better.
I can totally relate to this. I still want to be skinny, too. But I know that the quest for it is beyond me. I don’t have the “strength” to go back to that. The iron will power. The desire to destroy my mind and body and soul for the pursuit of skinny happiness. I was not happy at my lowest weight, and although I know my body is larger now, I am happier with it. I focus on the parts that I like, instead of obsessing about my less favorites. I think ti’s natural in our society to feel that skinny want. Skinny = pretty, and perfect, and loved. Ultimately that’s what the disease is about- despite the seclusion and disordered everything it creates- I think it’s about control and creating a void that we feel already exists- but at least it’s selfmade. (However backwards is that). We want to be thin and prefect and beautiful and wanted and LOVED, so we hate ourselves. Because we hate ourselves. EDs are not about the food. Only once I was able to discover the cause of the problem, was I ready to deal with the symptoms (anxiety and anorexia). I think we may never fully recover (the collective we), since the world that surrounds us almost enforces the skinny ideal, but it’s not only what we choose to think, but how we choose to act in spite of it, that is who we are. It is not an easy task, and no one should be judged for it. It’s an illness. Be proud of yourself– you’re choosing to fight it and you’re a survivor. <3 Big hugs!
You are spot on with so much of this. I too agree that our society really does hinder that skinny ideal, it is all about physical which i think holds many people back. The comparison trap becomes all too internalized which stinks for our younger generations.
I also struggle with these same thoughts. But you’re right, they don’t have to lead to actions. When it’s the hardest I try to remind myself that no “skinny” I ever got to worked. It never felt like enough even when I continued to lose. I remind myself even though it may have relieved some things temporarily, the high from losing weight soon disappeared and the only thing left was the need to lose even more. It’s such a sad struggle. I’m so happy we are committed to never going back to that life, yet I can totally validate how hard it is.
So true, so true. It was a skinny that was no life worth living at all. The life I thought i had was only ridden with terrible thoughts and worse actions. I am so glad you are discovering that about your journey as well
Thanks so much for opening up about this, Alex. I totally struggle with that giddy, ‘omgiwanttobeskinny’ BS. And you’re right. It’s totally not a life I want. What you go through to achieve some twisted image…freakin nuts. Thanks again for this awesome post girl.
It really is something I think our society really enforces so it is tough to break out of that mindset and trap. I am glad you got so much from it.
I love this post, Alex. LOVE. And that Garden State scene. So gorgeous, when I first saw it on DVD I rewound it and rewatched it over and over.
I think it’s so important to be aware of where we are at in recovery. I know I am not recovered. I don’t try to pretend I am and sometimes I get worried that people think I’m trying to act like I am – no way. Yes I may be physically in a healthier weight zone but just as you said I do still sometime crave the skinny, the scary skinny that gave me a “buffer” against getting “too big”. I recognize the ED thoughts, they are still there. The difference as you also said is acting on them. Sometimes I do but more often than not I don’t and I think that’s why my anxiety levels are now so high and spread to areas not even related to food or fitness, because I’m not using ED coping methods as much in life. Which is good BUT man oh man does that mean voice come at me most of the day, which is why I don’t consider myself recovered. Still recovering yes and I’ve come far but I think this post will serve as maybe even a wake up call to those who have room to step up the recovery game and move forward.
Ah I am so happy to hear you write out all of this. I kept going back and just loving each and every part of it. What I know I have gained is this awareness which I feel in your words. You know that recovered is a tough road but not acting on them, feeling that anxiety is recovery at its finest. I hope people see that limbo stage and do move forward like you and I have. I really do
Ah girl, I’m so proud of you for putting this all out there. I’ve said it a million times before and I’ll say it a million times again: your honesty is crazy inspiring. I may not have known you when you were in the depths of your ED, but I think what you said in the last paragraph–”But what I will not give into is others dragging me back there or worse my mind bashing this person I have become. I have the power to laugh, show compassion, and be a friend for the first time in a long time. It’s about time I recognize that – Hey world, it’s me Alex.”–really shows how far you’ve come. To be able to see that about yourself is a beautiful thing, and it makes me so happy to hear (…um…read
) you say that 
Aw man that means a whole lot. To be honest, I am glad you didn’t know me in my Ed because I was not one happy or funny girl. It is sad to look back and look at that miserable girl I was, I am so happy that I am far from that and want to show the world who I really can be
Ugh…
I cried a little… I’m such a baby. But it’s there, I recognize your thoughts and feelings, Alex. I do have them. They hurt. I wish I could just snap and erase those, the past, the pain… But at the end I guess ED will be always a part of my life, because in a way it made me who am I today.
You are so brave to speak about your struggles openly. I’m so proud of you and so inspired! THANK YOU, lovely!
It is true, it is about realizing that our past will be in our past but we can learn from it. I can say I have more self awareness because of my Ed but I no longer let it define how my future will be laid out
I think even just writing it and admitting it is so healthy. it’s a struggle and a fight sometimes, but you’re def winning.
Thanks lady, that means a lot. I think I know that the fight is worth it which what makes me have those moments
This was great to read because I love learning about the real Alex, great job! I think you’re beautiful=)
I am glad you are getting to know more about me, what I try and do so success right there!
You are amazing. You’re a brave lady. I love the honesty … you are a better person for it, and you inspire others to become better as well. xoxo.
Thank you! I realized that through writing this I was showing part of me that I think I forget about, that confident Alex that knows how far she has come
Oh wow. This is just what I needed after an emotional weekend. I got a little teary-eyed reading it. I definitely relate to the part about how old habits/behaviors can be reduced to simple thoughts. And we don’t have to listen to or act on those thoughts. This is something I am struggling with right now. I feel like I’m just beginning to free myself from believing negative thoughts about myself and letting that be my reality. And the thoughts still creep up, and I’ve been beating myself up about that fact too. But your post helped me realize that I have come far by just recognizing the thoughts. I want to keep pushing myself and start asking myself what I really need, like you say you do.
You nailed it when you said beginning to free yourself from believing the negative thoughts and putting them into actions. That was really my turning point, the point where I realized I had the control again. The control of the Alex I wanted to be and not one the ED was creating. I hope you continue to push yourself. I see a wonderful girl shining through now
This is so honest Alex I love it!
It feels good to say it all.
I think this is something a part of me will always fight against to a certain extent, too. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you and I aren’t alone….i also think, however, that recognizing this and asking these questions helps us get past a lot of the mental games in the end and pushes us further into recovery than we would otherwise go, if we let it anyway. You’re an amazing person, alex, and you deserve to see that for yourself
I am realizing that I have come a lot farther than what I will let myself believe, in that I shouldn’t let others annoy me or make me feel bad when in reality I just see my old past in them. They have to find their journey
What a wonderful post Alex! Thank you for your honesty in all of this!
Just admitting all this is such a huge release!
It really is and makes me realize how I am so much closer to moving towards that recoverED state, feels good to say
You have come so far! You should be so
Proud!!!
Thank you Jess, I am slowly realizing I do have things to be very proud of
Truly, thank you so much for sharing this. I can tell it’s brutally honest, and that is refreshing to see. I think it’s easier to say “I’m good now!” than to admit to still struggling. You’re not alone and you SHOULD be proud of yourself and where you are now. It will continue to go up.
I think being brutally honest is almost a responsible and self accountability factor. I promised in recovery I would always be true to it and that is what I did. Thank you for being so supportive, it means a lot
so honest as others have said. but these are the posts I love to read because it’s telling me that you’re better and living each day to the fullest!
AW thanks lady, I know writing it is what I have to get out there
You are beautiful and I’m so thankful that the little blog world brought us together… I cannot wait for you to realize just how amazing you are because we all see it. XO
It is hard to think that we wouldn’t have met without this little blog thing I do but I am grateful for it. You really are an inspiration to me and still blows my mind how much you have done at this age.
OMG wow this was powerful and so honest. I know exactly where you’re coming from – that little voice is still there in my head and yeah, sometimes I still “crave the skinny” too, sometimes I still feel the compulsive need to exercise a certain amount, sometimes I still look at certain foods with fear….and most of the time I know all this leads to nowhere but unhappiness, and most of the time I know I don’t need to be any skinnier than I am because I’m already small, and most of the time I know that no one food will ruin me. But it’s that accountability, I tell these things to other people, but I need to work harder at believing it myself 100% of the time – getting to the point where I don’t need to consciousy “convince” myself of this. I think this post really shows how far you’ve come and you really are on the edge of that laaast (but most important!) step of recovery – being accountable to YOURSELF and being able to shake yourself of your own bullshit – you already know enough to call others out, and now you just need to do it with yourself and find that peace and self-love. Do I know how to go about this, no idea – but I’m looking forward to seeing where you take this and how much more you can grow – be the best version of alex
I am so glad you can relate to this and just from the short time I have known you I really already see this Kate shining through that calls out the bullshit of those voices. It is tough with a society that really craves the skinny but I am glad you talk back at it. I think you and I both know the fight is worth it
Reading this made me smile, because I think it’s something everyone can relate to at one point in their life or another. That voice and those thoughts can be a big impact on you, and although it’s hard to get past them, it is doable and you prove that by showing us each and every day how you aren’t surrendering to them. Some people aren’t capable of that. You are strong girly
I think there was a point where I was not capable of it and I see that in others. But I have found that strength and I only hope others find it as well
I have such a hard time calling out the bullshit too, at least in my life. But if we can’t be honest with ourselves, who will be? And personally, I believe that I will never be 100% fully recovered, like those thoughts will always linger, in some form, and it’s just up to us to challenge those thoughts and not give in to them. This is really powerful stuff, I think you’re really onto something here and I appreciate the honest.
Sometimes the powerful stuff has to be said. I find it a way to call out my own buklshit and encourage others to do the same
Thank you so much for sharing with us, Alex. I think that the experiences and feelings you bravely express here are ones that a lot of us share as well. Reading about it really makes everyone feel safer, more comfortable, and more accepted…even if we aren’t ready to talk about it ourselves. xoxo.
I think there is a time where people will find their voice in the process but it is not easy at all to talk about it. you should find that place where you feel the best to talk about it, forget about what others expect. Thank you for your sweet words
I really appreciate the honesty in your post, Alex. It’s not always easy to admit struggles that you thought went away, but you were brave enough to share. Just the fact that you acknowledge your struggles instead of pushing them away in denial shows that you are in a much better state of mind already.
Thank you Irina, i think i am finally beginning to realize that about myself which I have to say feels really good and genuine.
You are amazing girl, I so admire your ability to speak up about your past and how it affects you in the present. Self love is a hard thing to embrace, but I think you are doing a pretty darn good job of it.
I think it is something I will be working on for a while but at least I am working on it. I ignored it for so long which helps nothing!