You will be reading a whole lot of Marvelous today. This is a different kind of marvelous, the kind that maybe I only understand.
Do you have those out of body experiences where you look at your life from the outside in? Between a letter and daily (almost 24/7) chats with Chelsie, more (yet not enough) chat time with Allison and Molly, this post that brought me to tears (because I could relate more than you know) and of course Amanda’s brilliance on the daily – this week brought up a lot for me. I realize I ask myself one question a lot, almost a test but almost like some sort of validation. How far are you in recovery?
I try to discuss my disorder in the past, see it as no longer that all consuming part of me. But that is just it. It is that small speck in my life. It isn’t and will never be that demon that ruled my life like it once was. Yet, the word ‘recoverED’ still feels wrong coming off my tongue. Why? Because of the self love piece.
I find it the most intimidating to talk about this part of recovery because it is the one thing that still lingers. It is that voice, not a whisper like the average person may hear, but that voice you recognize more than ever. That buddy that once held my hand while simultaneously dragging me down. For those who have struggled you know that voice. It is so personalized yet it rocks you to the core. But let me explain something – that voice is not me. And that voice that used to dictate now just speaks a thought.
That’s just it. A thought. Not an action that makes me act. Instead a thought that makes me ponder and ask myself what is behind that, what am I really needing. For the first time in recovery, I am realizing how far I have come just with that fact. This body that has healed me is pretty damn powerful. This mind that once suffered now sees through the bullshit I used to fall victim to. But then why not recoveredED?
I am going to say something I don’t like to hear but there is still a part of me, a tiny little part of me, that craves the skinny. For some reason I know that thought of skinny still appeals me to me. It is like the drunk goggles that blur your vision, make you momentarily forget that maybe that extra drink wasn’t worth it. While that skinny may appeal to me in some sick twisted way, I know it is not a place I will let myself return to because in that mind frame life was anything but content.
Do you know what that mind was? That mind was something I see around me a lot, I hear a lot from others, a mind that looking from the outside in makes me realize how unappealing that body is. That mind made me beat myself up and run that extra .4 miles. That mind that made me regret that extra scoop of ice cream. That mind that made me feel guilty for that ‘light’ workout. That mind that made me find soreness all I could be. That mind that made social events something to be avoided. That mind that made me lie through my teeth to my friends. Nothing of that sounds appealing. Nothing at all.
I don’t do well with bullshit. But I do struggle with calling it out. I am a firm believer that what I ask of others, what I recommend to others I need to do the same for myself. I need to realize the talk of self love needs to be action.
Forever I will be judged by my ED past, it is just the facts. But what I will not give into is others dragging me back there or worse my mind bashing this person I have become. I have the power to laugh, show compassion, and be a friend for the first time in a long time. It’s about time I recognize that – Hey world, it’s me Alex.