Just looking at that statement makes me cringe. My whole body wants to reject those little words across the page. But why?
For so long I clung to the idea that I am one way. I have these characteristics and traits that make me do the things I do, say the things I say and act the way I act. I forced myself in this box and used excuse after excuse to stay there. Sure, I like a lot of my personality. I appreciate my sarcasm, I love my dedication. But there are other parts I wish I could shed – like my rigidity, timidness in social ventures and my bad habit of beating myself up.
So back to that statement. Everything about what that sentence stands for honestly scares me. Why would I want to break that comfort bubble on a daily basis? Why allow myself to be vulnerable to the mental games my mind will play?
Because that is where you grow. That is just it. After reading all of your insightful comments yesterday (which I seriously appreciate!), it me that a big reason why I am so lost is because I feel stagnant. And that really is only due to my own, yet again, putting myself in a box.
On a daily basis many of us hold ourselves back, whether it is for good reasons (like punching a rude person on the metro) or for fear reasons. I think that is what bothers me the most about all these new lifestyles in the healthy community – it puts you in a bubble, makes you hold out on a lot of not only food but experiences, all for the sake of said health. This process of holding myself back is something I have been doing on a daily basis, which would make sense to why I can’t fathom that idea of doing something everyday that scares me. Ah, then it hit. Holding back – an outlet of restriction. Oh how they fit so nicely together. My ED was a big part of my past and recovery is always an on going process. I think what I wasn’t prepared for was other ways that my once food fears would manifest in life experiences. By holding back each day by either not practicing self care, sticking to routine, placing guilt on myself… I am allowing that restriction to once again penetrate my life.
Here I am, outwardly saying I want to work on this mentality. I want to embrace that statement and create a list of things I fear doing, as small as they may be. This year I will tackle them. One by one I will face those fears I hold close.
The best advice I ever received was from a close friend. She told me that we all make mistakes, we have all slip ups, we all find reasons to beat ourselves up – but it is not the mistakes we should dwell on. IT IS WHAT YOU DO AFTER THAT MATTERS. I can sit here and say, man I wish I was different, I wish I had approached that better. But that would get me to the past. It is what you do after that counts.
Who knows, this year could be a complete wash for me. I could end up broke, tired and even more homesick by the end. But I could also find a new love for this city. Why choose one now when I still have fears to face?
Questions: What is something you fear doing? Is there a statement like the one above that you reject?