I warn you I am all over the place over here. I am the queen of sweeping emotions under the rug. I tend to say I can deal with it later, or this isn’t important or this emotion will do nothing for me. You think after many learned lessons I would not do this anymore. That would be the easy answer right? To be honest, it is a lot of the little things that are keeping my mind occupied when in reality it is the bigger questions that I am so actively avoiding. See what I said, actively avoiding. I know what I am doing and I sure as heck realize that mistake when smack dab one night those bigger questions are swirling in my head. I could trade a lot today but I will spare you all the negative nancy party pooper spirit.
I would trade… a miserable Sunday night sleep for a more restful end of the weekend. Sunday night I swear I had a mid life crisis at the age of 22. Over dramatic, maybe, but I just am getting frustrated with how lost I feel. I fear those bigger questions of what do I want to do with my life, will I ever find someone to spend it with, will I be able to support myself. I know crazy worries at my age but I get so caught up in the process of ‘not knowing’. Darn lack of living in the moment to say the least.
I would trade… my go to statement “I’m fine” for a reality check. I think self check ins can be the best sometimes. Yes, you can go through the motions all day but what are behind those daily routines? What am I holding back? I don’t ask myself these questions enough.
I would trade…my guilt for spending money on myself for more peace with self care. I rarely spend money on things other than food, metro and bills. Sad but true. I haven’t bought new clothes in a very long time, haven’t bought any new running clothes in over two years, truth be told I really don’t do those fun treat yourself afternoons. Why? Because the guilt I feel for them is oh so strong it really ruins it. This weekend would have been a great time to do something for me – but I couldn’t get myself to do that. I think it could have helped this weekend with my homesickness.
I would trade... my inability to say no for a bit of a work backbone. So normally Tuesday nights I am done by 630 but my boss asked me if I could stay at the office till 730 instead making my week even longer. I said yes and immediately regretted my decision to add more time to my already long week. I tend to struggle with that saying no piece a lot.
I would trade... my massive food rut for some good cooking. Lack of good mood means lack of inspiration for meals. Sticking with staples because a. they are cheaper and b. I’m not in the mood. Lame sauce.
I would trade… homesickness for any other feeling.
But there is always something to be grateful for.. so I would not trade
- Texts from a friend that keep me grounded. If you can picture two old ladies ranting and raving in their wheel chairs sharing a pudding cup – that would be us. Too bad she kicked some ass this weekend in a killer race instead of chilling with me.
- A possible play date with this girl this weekend
- A change of routine that comes with the new job.
- The new 90210. Seriously it just keeps getting better. 17 episodes down…. 42 minutes each… you do the math about how much of a life I lack.
- A beautiful bracelet that came in the mail today that I won on a blog. (I feel super bad because I can’t remember who from!) It is the only nice thing I will probably ever have in my possession.
- The realization that I have the power to change my actions and emotions, as hard as that may be.
Hope you all have sunshine in your neck of the woods!
Questions: What would you trade this Tuesday? What wouldn’t you trade?