Blown away by all of you yet again. I think I needed that post yesterday, I needed to realize where my mind is at. Let me explain as I put the last piece of solid food in my mouth for the next 48 hours – kill me. For one, it is wrapped in guilt. I am second guesser at nature and lately I have been second guessing the job I took. Don’t get me wrong I freaking love it. I really do. But as I visit the bigger companies for recruitment of mentors, as I see my friends, as I follow blogs, I wonder if I should have went for the money. Gosh that sounds terrible but I am being honest. That security of spending, that security of saving, that ability to feel like heck I can treat myself to a dinner out would feel so nice right about now.
On the other hand, I am not helping my case. I make empty promises to myself, I make decisions that create my mood and I find ruts to bathe in. You see? An attitude needs to be built and this is something I really have never embraced. The statement of waking up on the wrong side of the bed – we have all heard it. But what is stopping me from getting back in the bed and stepping out on the other side? I told myself I would never let others define me, so why I am letting other people’s definition of healthy define the healthy Alex I have built for the past year. What I am facing is the next step of recovery, no longer ruled by ed ways, thoughts, and the physical aspects- it is time to embrace life – not just move through it ‘correctly’. 
Woof. I hate being vague like this but I want to work on Alex. Dc adjustment phase has come and gone. This is my home for the next year and not stocking my fridge or pantry, not decorating my walls, not making some sort of weekly commitment is not a way to make this my home.
So let’s enter back in some little smiles because boy do I need it!
- I told you, on my morning runs I never am acknowledged by those around. Well just the past three days I have chatted with two old men runners (ha… look at who I attract). Both were in their 60s or 70s and I happen to run past them, saying a little hello good morning before blowing by. Thanks to the red lights we often met up again and just this morning the man said to me ‘man I wish I could run as fast as you’. Beaming I thank him and run along. #littlesmiles
- As I bought the prescription colon drink for the prep for this Friday, the lady at the pharmacy handed it to me slowly saying I am sorry to make you pay for something so miserable. Amen to that. #littlesmiles
- On the metro coming back from a work presentation, I was just so out of it and kind of grumpy. The metro does that to you. This man as I was leaving in a wheelchair said to me ‘you should smile more so you don’t scare all the boys away.’ Oh goodness, is that the trick? I think I missed that. #littlesmiles
- Seeing the pictures of my sister have a blast in the crisp blue water of Turks and Caicos, always a smile showing. #littlesmiles
- Reading an amazing article written by Bec at Half Baked that I contributed some of it for just totally blew me away. It meant so much to me to be part of it, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. #littlesmiles
- Knowing that my mom is a phone call, text or email away. #littlesmiles
- Realizing more and more each day that there are members of the blog community that are real, that I don’t need to be a blog perfect eater because in the real world – it doesn’t always look like that, that I can forget one day and move on to the next one, that I can forgive myself, that I can be me. #littlesmiles
Don’t you just feel better when you smile? (and as always this wooden picture my friend made for me in treatment stays by my side…) 
Questions: What is your little smile today? What makes a place feel more like home to you?
aww I totally know what you’re going through because lately I’ve been having job interviews and honestly, they’re scaring me lol they’re making me think more about my future and it’s scary wondering if you’re making the right decision. But for me, I always figure if it was what I felt was the right decision at the time, then it was
Hmmm this may sound silly, but whenever I go on trips (driving wise) having my own pillow always makes me feel more at home, but i would say being able to have all my “comfort” things… food I like, laptop, phone, etc haha
I love that! I never thought about your own pillow, so cute. Technology does play a huge comfort now a days. Good luck with all your interviews, don’t get caught up in the future. Let it be. I have to remind myself of that a lot.
My little smile is the fact that you’re little smiling. Little smiles and cheers to canned green beans all around! Seriously, this little ode to joy might just be that other edge of the bed that you’re edging ever closer to. Pick two friends. Then there will be three in the bed, where the little one said roll over until you’re over that edge and you’ll be set for life.
Three things that you need in life: friends, family, and sense of self. You’re there.
Love those three things, a lot. So hard to remember the minor details of life that make it so perfect sometimes.
love this post. love the old men running comment – i’m always talking to old men
must be something about dc dudes. my little smiles come all day long from my students. i am usually exhausted and frustrated a lot of the day and then one of them will say something absolutely hilarious and unexpected. little smiles 
oh and don’t go for the money – i’m in a similar boat to you but it’s definitely not worth it to work at a job you hate. we should meet up to do free/fun things in dc!
Wait you are in DC? How did that not click? I am glad you can relate to the money issue, I mean I really REALLY love what I am doing so it kills me to have this money issue there. I swear DC old people are either so dang friendly or cold as ever. Dc is a hit or miss for sure.
yup! well, technically arlington (my dc friends always tell me i need to make it clear that i am not actually in dc) but i teach near columbia heights so i’m in dc all the time.
Ha! I run in columbia heights at least 3-4 times a week! crazy! I live kind of near there but more in upper nw
Having real fun that you know will be a lasting memory makes a place start to feel like home. Playing with my girls at the park in the beautiful weather made me smile today!
You are so right, having fun didn’t even cross my mind sadly.What a great way to enjoy the good weather.
your real trueness (so a word) is what makes people come back. we can relate to what you’re saying. you just have enough guts to say it.
So nice of you Melissa to say, got to be real to myself and what I write. Def how I roll around here.
I don’t do well with people’s fakeness .. it makes me nervous. haha
I totally agree!
Yes, I do always feel better when I smile.
The old men sound so cute!
Seriously, I love old people. I know that sounds creepy but no lie.
Awwww thanks
I’m glad you liked it, I wanted to make sure I did you justice 
I have to remind myself my Mum is just a phone call away. No one ever sits next to me on public transport because I’m always frowning haha
Seriously, it blew me away! I am always just so lost in my thoughts on the metro I probably make the weirdest faces. Whoops…
Honestly when you are the other side of the job fence, you wonder why you aren’t working for a Not for profit when our city, country and world need so much. Even though the monetary security is there, you can get something out of that job that we on the other side cannot!
True true but I have to say being broke in DC is no fun. I can’t wait to hear more about your job!!! Coffee date soon?
Hi Alex, something completely out of topic here.. but have you heard from Allison lately? I haven’t heard back from her in a while and I was wondering how she’s doing, yet I see she has deleted her gmail account and blog account… I thought you might know a little more. Much love, Leanne
So weird because I was actually thinking the same thing, i will try and email her. I know she was hopefully starting a new job…
I bet it’s not a coincidence that we both think of her in the same way at the same time.. I just hope all is good with her. I heard she got the job and she was about to start. She sounded very uplifting and excited in her last message. I don’t know why, but I just feel a little “off” when I think of her (if you know what I mean..) If you get a hold of her please let me know
~Much Love~
Of course I will!
BAHAHAHAHA. At that pharmacy lady. Oh dear.
Great post full of smiles.
I know, I didn’t even know what to say back. Congrats also on hitting your goal for the fundraiser! You really put so much great work into it.
I love this! Glad you have found lots of things to smile about! Just get yourself through tomorrow and you can smile your way through an entire watermelon! Gosh I love old people, they say the darnest things and warm my heart!
Oh yes those pictures of cute kids eating watermelon will have nothing on me! Plus I know sleep will be a priority as well. Old people are so darn cute.
I’m smiling today because of this post. It’s so wonderful to know that you’ve smiled a few times lately! You deserve that
.
What adorable old men. They are seriously the cutest things EVER! Good luck tomorrow darling, and write me asap to let me know how it went!! You are going to do awesome I promise!!
I will email you after, I honestly will just be happy it is over and I can sleep. I was told I won’t be sleeping much tonight unless a toilet is considered a bed. woof.
I guess its a big smile, cuz my friend is coming to visit me for the weekend
Oh man friend visits are the best. Have a great weekend! Show off that adorable baby room.
Haha, I cracked up at the man on the metro telling you to “smile more so you don’t scare all the boys away” I get that all the time too! It’s like, I’m sitting on the T right now, if I was smiling out of nowhere I’m pretty sure that’d be more scary….
It can be really hard to read blogs everyday, see what everyone else is eating, compare yourself, and feel guilty about that entire jar of nutella that mysteriously disappeared in a few days. Just remember, people don’t often post about the negatives in their lives! Things might look perfect, but no one is perfect. Repeat: no one is perfect.
Ha you are so right about that. The metro man was def creepy but I kind of just rolled with it and laughed it off. When I am uncomfortable I laugh, true life. Thanks for reminding me about the perfection piece, just so hard to ignore sometimes.
I have a bad habit of making empty promises to myself. I think we want to change so badly but find it difficult to actually change. It’s easy to continue down a path of depression and sadness. It’s more difficult to try to be happy when we feel like crap. I think that focusing on what we are feeling right now is more important than telling yourself, I will be happy tomorrow. Sometimes we’re not supposed to be happy because we’re not happy. But you can change your reaction to your emotions, ie just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I need to do x,y,z.
A place that’s filled with reminders of my family and friends feels like home. A place where I can just be me without any fear of judgment. A place where I can run around in mismatching sweats and hoodie without a thought in the world.
I love your definition of home and what makes it feel like that for you.I think my physical stomach issues are totally messing with my mood so let’s hope that is temporary. I just know though those empty ‘oh it will be easier’ just gets in my head way too much
Good luck with the colonoscopy… eek!
As far as work goes and money… just remember this is your first job. You will not have it forever. You may not have it this time next year. I only worked at my first one for a little over a year. I knew after the first year it was not for me, so I found another job. Think about things in the long term, if you’re really not happy there after 6-8 months and think you need more money and would take the trade off, start looking for another job then. Loving what you do is way more important of course, but you have to balance the stress of 1.) not having as much money as you need to live comfortably (and having to adjust standard of living) OR 2.) Living comfortably, but possibly not enjoying your better-paying job as much.
I love seeing other runners out who are trying and when they compliment. They might want to run as fast as me but I just say they’re doing great, even just for getting out there!
So true, thanks for putting that into perspective. It just kills me that I love this job but just know I can’t make a living out of it because I am making no money. Who knows though, maybe in a year I will get an opportunity that can provide all of that.
I love what the pharmacy lady said to you! I think my little smile of today so far (it’s only 10:30am here) is just having time to read blogs this morning- I’ve read so many great posts today and it’s making my day feel better
I love that feelig of just reading something that makes you want to start your day, glad this did it for you!
Love the little smiles thing
It’s so nice to interact with fellow runners! In Chicago we all tend to ignore each other, but where I grew up it’s standard procedure to say hi to everyone you pass when you’re running. I like that a lot better!
I seriously can’t believe how unfriendly runners are here, we were the same in my hometown. So sad.
You are such a great writer girl. I love learning so much about you through your honest and detailed posts. I think it is so important to focus on little smiles – I mean those little things get us through the days, right?! I always say “it’s the little things in life” and truly believe that. Having a positive attitude and smiling is a CHOICE, so just DO IT, ha. I’m kidding because that is obviously easier said than done. I honestly think sometimes it’s easier to be in a mad mood than a good one, at least that was me 2-4 years ago… I just couldn’t for the life of me put myself in a good mood no matter how hard I tried. I am loving your little smiles post and hope you don’t mind if I make that a post next week on my blog?!
Gosh Eva you are too sweet and I really appreciate you writing all of that. A positive attitude is hard to come by for me sometimes so remembering the little smiles always helps
Ohh I loved reading about the old men runner and the pharmacy lady (bahah.) My weekend starts today, so that is a super smile for me!
what a lucky girl, get going on your weekend fun!
I think that all the money in the world doesn’t matter if the job you have doesn’t make you happy at the end of the day. So I really think you made the right decision in choosing a job you love. When I got my first “job” last year around this time, I was so thrilled to just be making 100 bucks per month because it was doing something I’m good at and that I like. This year I’m working with the campus TV station a couple nights per week with no pay and while it would be awesome to be paid for it, I love what I’m doing so much that I don’t even care.
My little smile for today was getting a surprise package on my doorstep. I love getting packages especially when I’m not expecting them!
oh man packages are the best, I wish I got one! You are right it is just hard to see all the bills that need to be paid and remember that. thanks for the comment girlie, you’re the best!
love this post!
I love this!! I”m so glad that you are finding ways to smile more recently. I got a text from a friend today just letting me know she was thinking of me. Those are the best!
those are the best! i love things like that.
Yay for chatting with nice old men runners! The little things in life are the BEST things! Good luck with your procedure <3
Friendly runners are rare to find in DC so I was happy, very happy.