Blown away by all of you yet again. I think I needed that post yesterday, I needed to realize where my mind is at. Let me explain as I put the last piece of solid food in my mouth for the next 48 hours – kill me. For one, it is wrapped in guilt. I am second guesser at nature and lately I have been second guessing the job I took. Don’t get me wrong I freaking love it. I really do. But as I visit the bigger companies for recruitment of mentors, as I see my friends, as I follow blogs, I wonder if I should have went for the money. Gosh that sounds terrible but I am being honest. That security of spending, that security of saving, that ability to feel like heck I can treat myself to a dinner out would feel so nice right about now.
On the other hand, I am not helping my case. I make empty promises to myself, I make decisions that create my mood and I find ruts to bathe in. You see? An attitude needs to be built and this is something I really have never embraced. The statement of waking up on the wrong side of the bed – we have all heard it. But what is stopping me from getting back in the bed and stepping out on the other side? I told myself I would never let others define me, so why I am letting other people’s definition of healthy define the healthy Alex I have built for the past year. What I am facing is the next step of recovery, no longer ruled by ed ways, thoughts, and the physical aspects- it is time to embrace life – not just move through it ‘correctly’.
Woof. I hate being vague like this but I want to work on Alex. Dc adjustment phase has come and gone. This is my home for the next year and not stocking my fridge or pantry, not decorating my walls, not making some sort of weekly commitment is not a way to make this my home.
So let’s enter back in some little smiles because boy do I need it!
- I told you, on my morning runs I never am acknowledged by those around. Well just the past three days I have chatted with two old men runners (ha… look at who I attract). Both were in their 60s or 70s and I happen to run past them, saying a little hello good morning before blowing by. Thanks to the red lights we often met up again and just this morning the man said to me ‘man I wish I could run as fast as you’. Beaming I thank him and run along. #littlesmiles
- As I bought the prescription colon drink for the prep for this Friday, the lady at the pharmacy handed it to me slowly saying I am sorry to make you pay for something so miserable. Amen to that. #littlesmiles
- On the metro coming back from a work presentation, I was just so out of it and kind of grumpy. The metro does that to you. This man as I was leaving in a wheelchair said to me ‘you should smile more so you don’t scare all the boys away.’ Oh goodness, is that the trick? I think I missed that. #littlesmiles
- Seeing the pictures of my sister have a blast in the crisp blue water of Turks and Caicos, always a smile showing. #littlesmiles
- Reading an amazing article written by Bec at Half Baked that I contributed some of it for just totally blew me away. It meant so much to me to be part of it, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. #littlesmiles
- Knowing that my mom is a phone call, text or email away. #littlesmiles
- Realizing more and more each day that there are members of the blog community that are real, that I don’t need to be a blog perfect eater because in the real world – it doesn’t always look like that, that I can forget one day and move on to the next one, that I can forgive myself, that I can be me. #littlesmiles
Questions: What is your little smile today? What makes a place feel more like home to you?