Despite my highs, my good attitude, my uplifted spirit – I feel frustrated with myself. I am kind of unsure how to explain the details but really they don’t matter. It is the cause behind the details, what comes with the details that matter. I have my tools that I have used for the past year to get me to where I am today. Tools, skills, call them what you want. When thoughts race, I tend to have little mantras I tell myself – most recently I have been relying a lot on ‘you are ok.’ Simple, yet true. When I am overwhelmed with emotion, the simpler the better. 
Remember I did a post on what holds me back? The past few days I have really been struggling with one of those, one of them that I can’t seem to shake. Fear.
Fear for me is always on my sleeve. I am not sure if that is normal, if the average person is so in tune with their fears and seems to see them at every turn. In some ways, fear propels me to stay on track and engaged in life. Yet in some ways it really holds me back and creates a vulnerability that is hard to beat. I don’t believe that anyone’s fears are irrational. To them, a fear is just that – not to be judged as something that they really shouldn’t be fearful of. I take fear as almost an emotion in me. It can be so debilitating. Even worse is when I judge that fear. That gives it even more fire.
- I fear that I will let my unhelpful thoughts dictate my actions. That nagging voice of that puts me down and tells me I am not enough is very strong within me. Despite all my progress, I know this voice still remains a vital figure in my head. The difference is I do not act on it. However, I would be lying if I did not say that voice scares the heck out of me. Every time I see a picture of myself, I cringe. Every time I notice a change, I hear that voice. It is like a pinch that just pokes but when done hard enough can leave a wound.
- I fear not moving ahead. After this year, where will I be? I honestly have no idea which scares me. I like answers, I like clear directions. The vagueness is not my friend.
- I fear not being able to financially provide for myself. I want to have money when I need it.I want to not have to NOT do something because I am financially unable to (not little things but more life changing decisions).
- I fear lack of control. Self explanatory. In all aspects of my life, I like to feel grounded and not out of my element.
- I fear failure. Whether it is not being what I consider ‘perfect’, letting down others expectations or letting myself down. Most recently, it has been that physical failure of letting myself go or not eating healthy.
I need to write this list out. I realize I live my life by these fears. My daily actions and my daily thoughts are reflections of these fears that stay stagnant in my head. Honestly, I hate that. I wish I didn’t have to have a mind consumed of anxiety (no wonder I sleep terribly!). I am slowly beginning to realize that while progress has come in many physical ways, my mental progress is slowly creeping behind. Because of that, I think I have a huge discomfort with myself. As my extrovert and introvert post said, I really struggle to have self confidence in my abilities and overall self. I struggle to look at pictures of myself, really struggle. I can’t see past what I dislike, it is all that I see. 
Now I am just rambling, but I know I want to change this power fear has in my life. Living a life to avoid fear is like living a life without taking chances. Without chances we have no opportunities to succeed and fail. We have no opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. We have no opportunity to really truly embrace daily life. Where does self love come from? I am not sure but I am on a mission to find out.
Questions: What holds you back daily? What are your fears?
To me, fear is more real than either death or taxes. Death can only happen once, and taxes don’t really affect you ALL that much. But fear, fear can be debilitating. BUT ONLY IF YOU ALLOW IT.
Anxieties and fears are completely rational. But you have two choices, you can let them take you over and smother you into submission, or you can let them fuel you. The best way to conquer fears — prioritize. For me, I’m afraid of gaining weight, but I’m more afraid of relapse. So I face one fear to avoid facing the other. Also, you can’t let yourself get too far ahead. Everyone’s futures are precarious, and can rest on the smallest of moments. It’s like tightrope walking over Niagara Falls, one wrong move in the wrong direction could destroy you. However, one right move in the right direction could save your life. You won’t know if you’ve succeeded until you’ve reached the other bank. So all you can do is take deep breaths, put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, and do your freaking best. One step at a time, one day at a time, one decision at a time. I’m sorry I don’t have more answers, but I don’t think you were looking for them. Have hope, my dear. Hope will save you every time. xo
So right, if I allow it. I think right now that is my problem I allow it to. I let my fears don’t let me look at pictures of myself, make me judge my recovered body, make my mind play games. That is not fun or helpful in the grand scheme of things. Wow just wow to your comment. So amazing, love the tightrope metaphor.
Wow what a good question. I think fear holds me back more then I realize. Fear of the unknown I think is the hardest for me. It is easy to keep doing what your doing even if it sucks sometimes then taking a leap.
Oh gosh fear of the unknown is another ones of those fears that make me feel out of control. Taking the leap can be so hard, I agree.
I fear not being able to pay back all my loans to where the interest rates kill me then I won’t be able to get my puppy or go to my sissy’s wedding. oh you know … little things. haha
I mean I fear all of that too, student loans are not fun.
wow…i can say i honestly agree with a lot of this..i am very anxious about being about to make everyone happy that sometimes i forget about myself! sometimes i realize I have to take it easy on myself…beating yourself up no bueno. i hope you can find the self love to, pretty lady <3
Aw Katie, thanks for saying that. I think it is something I realize that a lot of people struggle with I just feel like I live more by my fears than the normal person.
I am a judger and I think other people judge me. They wont want to talk to me or include me. When really that fear is why they wont talk to me. I am so reserved they just don’t want to scare me, or think that I think I am above them, or they think I don’t want to be there.
It is good to realize our fears because then we can overcome them!
I am the same way, you are not alone. I judge others and myself and I know with that comes comparison. I hope I can overcome my fears, I know the ones that came with my ED surrounding food, behaviors have gone away but the bigger ones still stay.
I look it as, if those other fears subsided with a little work the other ones can too!
what a great attitude!
I’m glad you recognize that this is a problem Alex, it means you can work towards overcoming it. Baby steps!
I definitely have fears and anxieties – most of them relate to saying the wrong thing or being judged. Earlier today, I was texting with a new friend from school when she didn’t respond. Instantly, I started worrying that I had said something wrong or stupid and she wanted to understand the conversation. In reality, she had just gotten distracted by a phone call. These are irrational, stupid fears that have no place in my life, clearly. We’ll both have to work at overcoming our anxieties!
Ah I do the same thing. I tend to overthink the moment due to the fears I have in my mind. As I was saying to the commenter above, I really don’t have those smaller irrational fears that the ED gave me but the big ones still linger.
Fear holds me back so much, so I totally get that. I have the little irrational daily fears, and then bigger ones, like will I ever get married or what will I end up doing with my life. I think people in general give fear too much power but if we take that control back, we can truly live our lives with no regrets. Easier said than done, but a great goal to keep in mind!
Great comment, I have to say my small irrational fears have calmed down since healing but the bigger ones just still sit there.
I totally get the whole fear thing. I fear failure too and like you, I hate looking at myself. There are no pics of me on my blog for a reason. Also because I totally judge others I feel like they do it to me – I forget they’re probably a better person than me! Haha. I want to change the power fear has in my life too! We should definitely make goals to do things we are afraid of (except fail, that’s silly) and try to do it! It’s the only way! Hope you’re ok x
I am glad you can relate, I really hate that aspect that still lingers. The idea of not being happy or at least being able to see the newly healed Alex.
….”I would trade… the low of having to come off such a great weekend for something to look forward to. I never thought I would even consider going to young Alumni weekend the first weekend in October. All of a sudden I want to, like really want to. I probably won’t pay for the events but just stay with friends and hang with them as long as I can find a ride. What I realized on the lonely 3 hour drive back was that I missed that social aspect, that ease of being able to see people, that release of just letting go and having fun. All of those things I have not found in Dc yet, I say yet because I do hope I can find it. DC will be bearable without it but who wants to go through a year like that? Even my coworkers remarked that a. I looked exhausted but b. I was at the top of my game and ready to go. That is what a weekend like that does, it recharges you for what is to come”
Keep reminding yourself of this hunnie. Go to Alumni weekend in October, and have fun. That’s one step closer of breaking your “fear”. You can do it.
Also, sign up for the marathon with me. We can break our fear together because trust me I’m terrified to do it, but it’s just something else we can mark off our bucket list of things to do before we diee!!
That is so good to read back on because I know going will be breaking a lot of those fears. I guess my biggest frustration is that I lack all confidence to put myself out there. I hate still being disappointed with my newly recovered self. So hard to explain…
I fear growing up! I’m 24, and my ED seemed to grow from that fear… and now that I’m doing so much better, I can’t help but feel like after all these of years of living my ED bubble, I’m STILL not ready for the real world because I screwed up by living with an ED during my college years! There’s so much that’s a part of “growing up” that scares me, like being on your own, realizing you don’t have your safe old bedroom to go home to every day and family members, making decisions on your own, trying to do other adult things…. it sounds lame and took me a long time to finally face the reality of my fear and to say it out loud, but just working on it daily helps. Also, when you’re healthier, you have a better frame of mind. So growing up isn’t nearly as scary as it was when I was struggling with my ED…
I relate so much to this Jess, I fear the six years I spent consumed in my Ed made me so much less mature and I have missed out on a lot. The fact I haven’t had a real relationship, haven’t really found my self confidence, all of that. I know my mind is in a better place because I let my body heal but still those thoughts do sit there.
i think its so great that you’re being so honest about your fears. for me, i’m afraid of even THINKING about all the things i am afraid of because there are so damn many things. i loved reading your post from this weekend and seeing what a positive time you had, so just focus on that!! we are all stronger than we think we are!
Thanks Molly, that is so true. I know a lot of my fears I just repress because they are hard to focus on. So true.
Ah fear, it can be overwhelming or encouraging. All your fears are incredibly similar to mine. I just have one to add: I fear that I will waste my life being consumed with my anxiety and depression.
But what I have realized (with the help of my therapist) is that fear is just that…fear. It’s an emotion not a guarantee. And as much as we control freaks love to control every aspect of our lives, we allow fear to control us. Why? Because fear is terrifying and our feelings like fear are often out of our control. But we have control over our reactions to fear, instead of being overwhelmed, we can take a step back and use the fear to our benefit. Fear of losing control: realize that as humans we lose control every single day. We might drive like angels but there are plenty of idiots on the road. We might save our money to buy a new pair of shoes but the store might be sold out. There is lots in life we can’t control so we should appreciate the things in life we can control like our reactions to our fears. I know this is a lot easier said than done but maybe you could set goals for yourself. What would happen if you were to tell that nagging voice in the back of your head to shut up? It might shut up for a day or two. Scared of not moving ahead in life? Pursue new opportunities that you might have said no to in the past. Expand your life in the present and you’ll have grown by the time the future comes around.
Wow Sarah, that is such an amazing reflection. When I read your first fear I could not help but shake my head in agreement. I fear the same thing, that I will have to live a life consumed by fear. I always picture myself down the line and worry that I will always have these thoughts and that makes me so sad. I wish I could say that life was care free but I know it isn’t. I hope I learn to tell that voice to shut up but for some reason it holds such strength over me. It holds my confidence first and foremost. If that makes sense…
Oh,fear is my second name,I guess… I so know what you mean saying it holds you back,really.
Now that I think about it,I am basically afraid of everything in life. I’m afraid of being alone and I’m afraid of being with other people. I am afraid of saying too much yet I am afraid of saying too less. I am afraid of losing control. I am afraid of not being able to maintain a healthy balance. But seriously,why? I’ve never had something like that actually.
I have to say that I think it is a big part of our EDs, I know for me I used to be fearless. Or at least not have this type of fear consume most of my thoughts. Yes, a lot of them have improved at least around the very typical ED fears but the same time I hold my fears quite close.
Oh girl me and fear? we go waaaay back. Way back to the ED days. Unfortunetly my fears are still linked to my ED. Not being good enough, not having enough friends, nothing to show for me when Im gone. All those dumb fears that hold us back from LIVING.
I agree and can so relate. I have let go of a lot of my little irrational ED fears but there are still those bigger ones that still seem so consuming. A work in progress indeed.
I have such similar fears — particularly failure and financial (those seem to go hand in hand). I struggle with them daily and need to figure out a way to get them out of my head!
I think for me at least awknowledging them makes me realize I too need to work on them.
Anxiety pretty much rules my life, I’m sad to say – although I’m getting better at letting life just happen. I fear so many things – failure is a huge one for me!! I’m afraid of people not liking me, of letting people down, at failing at another relationship, of never being able to get to my ideal weight, and of not liking who I am. I’m afraid when I’m not in control and I’m afraid of not being everything I want to be.
I can agree with all of those things you said as well. Anxiety is still a big part of my life but something I have tried to develop skills to let my mind calm down a bit.
fear isnt something I let get in my way too much only because I let it consume me at my lowest points, but my fears were stupid like fears of fitting in, or fears or speaking my mind because I didn’t want to feel stupid and fear of putting myself out there because I didnt want to be rejected. Now I try to live as if I would rather try and fail than never try at all. What do I have to loose?
I just love that about you, I am not sure if it is just because I let so much of my life be consumed by my fears that it is just so hard to escape it now. I can’t even figure out how to. it is a process but seeing you as an inspiration definitly helps.
We all have our fears and worries, but I know for me, I try not to let that determine how I’m feeling or affect my thoughts…because if you let fear take over, it really can (for lack of better words) make you crazy. I know for me, I wonder where I’ll be in 3-5 years, will I have lived up to what I hoped I would be? Will my “plan” follow through? Will I be successful? But I think the biggest thing to udnerstand is that everyone goes though these fears and thoughts, because it’s what makes us all human. Don’t be too hard on yourself, because you seem to have a good head on your shoulders
I guess that is how I am feeling, like almost too anxious for my own good. You are so sweet, I know I am the type of person to be really hard on myself.
I have a major fear of failure. It’s been so bad that sometimes I just won’t do something just because I don’t want to fail. Most of those times it is something that I would do really, really well at but for some reason the fear is paralyzing.
You’re extremely self-reflective–which is actually so good for the most part–but can hinder you if you’re always “in your head” and ruminating. I think you are going through an important transitional process and I know that one day you probably won’t be thinking about thinking (in eduspeak we call this metacognition) all the time. You’ll just be living!!
ah ha you nailed it. The in my head quality is really a bad thing, or at least it is for me. It makes me overthink everything and really not trust my gut. Look at you throwing out all those big phrases, love it!
Great question! Writing out the things that you’re most fearful of really helps conquer them- I think it’s so awesome that you posted them
I think I never really phsyically wrote them out so writing them out helped me process them.
I think you’re really smart to write all the things you fear down. My biggest fears are: failure, giving up and needles.
Haha needles, my sister is the same way. failure is a huge one for me as well.
Where does self love come from? Great question! I think, in part, it comes from knowing that we are loved… take comfort in the love from those around you (parents, siblings, best friends, blog friends!) and trust that they (we) see the good in you. Hopefully you’ll continue to see it, too. Fear can certainly be a struggle, especially at your stage of life when the future is so unclear. You are wise to voice these things, and journal them out. I don’t think there are any magic answers, but pinpointing the things you struggle with is huge. We all have similar struggles!
What an amazing response Laura, I think all of that is so true and something I tend to forget in the moment.
I am right there with you! Fear holds me back SO much from pursuing my true potential in life.
I also know how you feel in termks of needing to have answers. I am the type of person that needs to find out answers to problems. When I can’t, I freak out a bit.
Hang in there, girl! Just keeping on keeping on and you will do great in your life!
Fear can do that and it makes me so mad! What a great way to put it though. I think we are very similar in freaking out when we don’t have the answers. So hard to deal with for sure.
I find that very little actually holds me back. Sometimes when my energy is low, that will hold me back. As for fears, I have a fear of disappointment. I never want to disappoint those around me–especially my family. A lot of times I let that cloud reality and my family will have to reassure me that they are proud even if I don’t see it at first.
Disappointment is a hard one. it is tough for me to be in a place with all new people so I lack that reassurance I once had.
I fear not having a clear direction right now!! I know financially I can take care of myself..but what do I want to do with my life constantly lingers over my head!
I am in the same boat, no clear direction is hard to handle. We are so used to knowing the next step in life and all of a sudden we are so unsure.
You are better than OK! You are fantastic. You need a new mantra, girl!
Ha, I just for some reason need that simple reminder because I tend to have that ‘i am not normal’ vibe when it comes to things. ugh. Working on it.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying and have similar fears…failure, not being good enough, not being understood. It’s difficult, but at some point you have to accept who you are and be proud of all the great things you have to offer (and from I can see, you have MANY!). And if there truly is something about yourself that you’re unhappy with and you don’t like, then change it! It’s a process and a journey, but as long as you’re working towards something you’ll already feel better.
I think the acceptance part is where I am stuck. I really need to embrace that and just let it happen. Easier said than done for sure.
My fears are letting down the people I love! Even though I know they are happiest when I am! Good luck to you and everyone else who is Working through their fears
Ah I have that fear as well, it is tough because that is the last thing anyone wants to do. I know I need to work through my fears big time.
I’m actually feeling the same way-unmotivated. I just need to get my act together I think. I don’t know, this actually gave me a nice kick. So thanks!
I can so relate to that, I have no idea why I just can’t follow the goals I have.
Fear is a very difficult thing. I know for me, it took me a long time to love myself. It wasn’t until I started to understand God’s love for me that I started to love and accept myself!
So beautiful and so true. I forget that there is a greater power and love that guides me sometimes.