Despite my highs, my good attitude, my uplifted spirit – I feel frustrated with myself. I am kind of unsure how to explain the details but really they don’t matter. It is the cause behind the details, what comes with the details that matter. I have my tools that I have used for the past year to get me to where I am today. Tools, skills, call them what you want. When thoughts race, I tend to have little mantras I tell myself – most recently I have been relying a lot on ‘you are ok.’ Simple, yet true. When I am overwhelmed with emotion, the simpler the better.
Remember I did a post on what holds me back? The past few days I have really been struggling with one of those, one of them that I can’t seem to shake. Fear.
Fear for me is always on my sleeve. I am not sure if that is normal, if the average person is so in tune with their fears and seems to see them at every turn. In some ways, fear propels me to stay on track and engaged in life. Yet in some ways it really holds me back and creates a vulnerability that is hard to beat. I don’t believe that anyone’s fears are irrational. To them, a fear is just that – not to be judged as something that they really shouldn’t be fearful of. I take fear as almost an emotion in me. It can be so debilitating. Even worse is when I judge that fear. That gives it even more fire.
- I fear that I will let my unhelpful thoughts dictate my actions. That nagging voice of that puts me down and tells me I am not enough is very strong within me. Despite all my progress, I know this voice still remains a vital figure in my head. The difference is I do not act on it. However, I would be lying if I did not say that voice scares the heck out of me. Every time I see a picture of myself, I cringe. Every time I notice a change, I hear that voice. It is like a pinch that just pokes but when done hard enough can leave a wound.
- I fear not moving ahead. After this year, where will I be? I honestly have no idea which scares me. I like answers, I like clear directions. The vagueness is not my friend.
- I fear not being able to financially provide for myself. I want to have money when I need it.I want to not have to NOT do something because I am financially unable to (not little things but more life changing decisions).
- I fear lack of control. Self explanatory. In all aspects of my life, I like to feel grounded and not out of my element.
- I fear failure. Whether it is not being what I consider ‘perfect’, letting down others expectations or letting myself down. Most recently, it has been that physical failure of letting myself go or not eating healthy.
I need to write this list out. I realize I live my life by these fears. My daily actions and my daily thoughts are reflections of these fears that stay stagnant in my head. Honestly, I hate that. I wish I didn’t have to have a mind consumed of anxiety (no wonder I sleep terribly!). I am slowly beginning to realize that while progress has come in many physical ways, my mental progress is slowly creeping behind. Because of that, I think I have a huge discomfort with myself. As my extrovert and introvert post said, I really struggle to have self confidence in my abilities and overall self. I struggle to look at pictures of myself, really struggle. I can’t see past what I dislike, it is all that I see.
Now I am just rambling, but I know I want to change this power fear has in my life. Living a life to avoid fear is like living a life without taking chances. Without chances we have no opportunities to succeed and fail. We have no opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. We have no opportunity to really truly embrace daily life. Where does self love come from? I am not sure but I am on a mission to find out.
Questions: What holds you back daily? What are your fears?