I do my best thinking aka blog idea formulation on my runs and in the shower. (Except for this morning because I was too terrified after literally pulling down my pants to pee in a bush – classy, I know – to realize I was a foot from a raccoon. My life.)
One question that I hate hearing and struggle myself to answer is, are you an extrovert or introvert? For so long I would always declare myself that extrovert. I love commanding a room, taking center stage, making presentations, being a leader, you name it. I have no shame when it comes to making other laughs and even laughing at myself. I would never really consider myself shy, I have no problem in any sort of new setting to strike up a conversation. This is why I loved being a resident adviser. I had over 17 girls and later on when I was head, a staff of over 40 students, that looked up to me. So what would you say, an extrovert?
Something that I have realized though, is that it is hard to declare myself as that extrovert because I feel like an introvert in self promotion. Not the selling yourself shamelessly but in the putting who you are out there for all to see. Does that even make sense? This is harder to explain than I thought….
In reality, I see extroverts as having that confidence to enter a room and be who they are. I know if I am asked to do that, I sure as hell can, but it comes with a lot of self doubt. Rather than letting the judgments fall aside, I judge myself and project how others judge me. It is always that idea of not being good enough or even what they wanted. I can’t just have that confidence to say, “well sucks for them – this is who I am”.
If anything, my goal for this year after graduating from college is to build that happiness of being me. This peace with who I am is something I want to strive for. I know relationships in my life are hard to form because I have this quality of not feeling like I am enough. If you are not happy with yourself, there is no way you can open yourself up for others to enjoy. I have never really talked about it on the blog but I have never had a serious relationship. Ever. I had one boyfriend in college that lasted a whole three months where we barely even held hands. I am sick of missing out on things that could have gone great, both friends and family bonds, because I lack that commitment to be comfortable with myself. There it is, comfort with myself. A quality I lack. Spending time with others is unbearable if you can’t be comfortable in your skin and letting loose.
Where did this all come from? I think in preparing for this weekend, returning to the college I graduated from in May, seeing people both graduates and undergraduates – I know I will get that question so how are you? Again, another question I loathe. Why? Because I feel like I need to justify my happiness. Justify that I am doing so well, loving my job, meeting some new people. All at the same time hiding that … well I may be happy but I also feel overwhelmed by the money situation, barely do anything social and still feel lonely a lot of the time. Don’t even ask about boys. But in reality, I should be ok with saying all of that. The parts that are good, the parts that are bad. Now I am talking myself in a circle.
If anything, this weekend I want to be Alex. Not the Alex in college who put on a face to get by, who let people trample over her – I want to be the Alex who if anything found her voice and humor in DC. For the first time in a long time, I am actually proud of my honesty and realness. Ya it has only been three months, get off your high horse Alex, but three months has made a difference. Who knew that is the first thing DC would bring.
Questions: How would you answer the extroverted or introverted question? What is one question you hate being asked?
i love this post – very brave, and i love that your goal is to seek happiness within yourself, i think that’s awesome! and clearly you should be because i don’t even know you and i think you’re amazing
i think i’m somewhere in the middle of introverted and extroverted, but as i get older i’m becoming more insular. i feel like i’m shrinking my own world down, but i think that’s because i’m placing value on deeper friendships instead of more friendships.
i love being asked all questions because i <3 talking about myself, lol.
You seriously made me laugh. I love how you describe yourself and I think it is great you are seeking to really find those deeper relationships. Nothing wrong with that at all. You are too sweet Molly!
Molly — totally with you on becoming more insular and placing more value on really building fewer but intensely strong relationships rather than having 10,000 superficial ones. I definitely don’t consider it to be a bad thing.
Agreed.
I’m actually sitting here in awe. Because I literally could have written the EXACT same post about my life and had it be completely true (right down to squatting in the woods this morning. We’re classy chicks!!)
I (debating on whether to use the verb “am” or “was” here … hm.) an introverted extrovert. Ask me to lead a group of somewhat faceless people and I will, no questions asked. But ask me to be incredibly intimate with someone and show them my true soul? That I have more difficulty doing. Opening up the very core of myself. I have to really have that gut intuitive feeling that you’ll love me no matter what. Twice I’ve been wrong about that feeling, and it’s what caused the major down spiral to the bottom pits of ED. I like to think I’m becoming better. Trusting in myself and my inner beauty/the goodness inside me, trusting that others will like me for me and not the mask I put on, trusting that others won’t hurt me if I let them get too close. I think that being yourself is sometimes one of the hardest things to be. Because it begs the question: Well, who the hell do I think I am? No good can come of trying to answer that one. Try to disconnect this weekend. Don’t compromise who you are and don’t sell yourself short, but above all, don’t let others take you down. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. You’re an amazing person, and anyone who can’t see that needs a punch in the nose and a new perspective on life.
I really, really hate the “So, are you seeing anyone special?” question. I hate how it’s somehow now expected of me to be dating someone. I’m 23, give me a break, please. But what’s worse is when they follow it up with “No? Oh, why not?”. It upsets me a lot. Do I want to be sharing the most terrible experience I ever had and tying it back to how I’ve turned it into something that has caused me to be incredibly independent? No. Not with someone who has the audacity to ask me that. So I tend to give a polite, generic response with a mental “Bite me” added on at the end.
(Apologies for the novel of a comment … My heart is going to be with you every second of this weekend. Lean on it for strength if you need it!)
You nailed it. That is a lot of what i was trying to get to especially the part about the faceless people. However, showing them who i am at the core just scares the living daylights out of me. That just feels so vulnerable and I guess that is something I have never really been able to embrace. I feel the same way about the dating thing, or people ask are you actively seeking. Heck I don’t even know how to do that. Epic comments make me happy!
Sounds like you are going to have fun this wknd going back to your college! I don’t think you will have to justify a thing – just the fact that you are living the city life with a great career and starting this new journey speaks volumes. Enjoy every little moment, I am sure there are great things to come for you.
Thank you, I will remember that when I doubt myself. It is always the outside perspective that really makes me look at it clearly
Great post! Being happy and content with who you are as a person is one of the greatest challenges of life I think! It sounds like you’re really figuring it all out
I always considered an extrovert someone who not only surrounds themselves with others and is outgoing etc., but who is also energized by doing that. Sure, I can talk in front of a large group and appear outgoing and social, but the truth is, that drains me! I’m much more energized and happy after some quiet time with a book (if I’m being honest) haha.
I can so relate, I love alone time. I just do. I love having some nights to myself but then I realize I probably take too many like that.
I think I tell you this all too often, but I totally see myself in you. I am an extrovert in the sense that I am outgoing and will talk to just about anyone, but sometimes I feel like I need to present this fake facade for people to be satisfied with me. Does that make sense? So I am like an extrovert and an introvert all mixed together in one big anxious ball. Gah. But it is so nice to hear that you are appreciating where you have come. You should be so proud of yourself. You are purely amazing.
Oh totally, I can relate to that as well. I do tend to put on that happy face a lot. That was something I had to challenge myself to break because it really got me in that place of never asking for help when I needed it. I am an anxious ball as well, never fun!
I’m TOTALLY an extrovert. Completely. In almost any situation. I talk too too too much. I’m very loud, and feed off the energy of others. I do really enjoy time to myself. Immensely. But I still think I’m an extrovert to the maxxxxx.
The #1 question that I hate being asked is actually kind of silly. Whenever my car is dirty (read: always), I HATE when people ask me “sooo …. do you ever wash your car?”
Hey. Buddy. Does it LOOK like I wash my car? Gawd it’s such a pet peeve of mine. Look at the dirty mess and figure it out yourself, okay?!
Haha hilarious question, I hate when people say stuff like that. I kind of really want to meet you now in person the way you described yourself. I am so intrigued by this bubbly person you are.
Such an interesting post! I am an introvert through and through. I do believe that people can have both characteristics though. I like your take on it all though, you just want to be happy
Thanks Allie, I think people define these qualities so differently so it is interesting to see what people think.
I don’t like that question either– I’m def an introvert, but at work and at other times, people often think I’m an extrovert. I always need my alone time though and used to be really shy as a kid. I hate it when I’m walking down the street lost in thought and someone’s like, “What’s the matter? Why don’t you smile?”…..it randomly happens to me often.
Gah that question is a terrible one too, I hate that. I think people who meet for the first time think I am such an extrovert too, but I know I am not.
Oh my god. I totally get this post. I think I used to be an extrovert but somewhere along the way I lost my confidence and self belief. I HATE being asked about guys. I dont always feel comfortable going out and meeting people and I’m not the most courageous person, so whenever people ask me about guys and I have to say I havent met anyone, I get a look of pity. I hate that. I am fine without a boyfriend, I’m 19, and while the rest of my friends are pretty much with the guys they will marry, they also intend to live in our small hometown forever (a very small country town in northern Australia) and I feel like I have accomplished a lot more by moving away to a city and going to uni, etc. So that’s what I hate, because I always feel bad about myself after that. I certainly like the Alex from DC – she’s pretty cool
I hope this weekend you enjoy the wedding and have a good time 
Maybe now’s a good time to be extroverted haha
Wow Bec, this comment meant so much to me because you just described my experience to a t. I think along the way I too lost that confidence and it makes me feel so bummed! I am fine right now without a boyfriend, something I want but I know that this isn’t a place where i can find one right now. You are so awesome for this, seriously.
I don’t like this question either and it’s something I often talk about on my blog… I can never decide which way I truly am! I used to be an extrovert but of course the ED changed so many things. So now that I am getting better, where does that leave me? To be answered at a future time…
I think my ed definitely made it a little hard for me to truly embrace my extroverted ways, despite me loving being the center of things and communicating with everyone.
I’d say I’m introverted in general… especially around adults.. I’m extroverted around kids because… well, I’m a teacher, so I have to be
See, I picture you as this bubbly teacher who doesn’t stop talking. I want you as my teacher.
GO GET EM ALEX!!!
On Wed, Sep 5, 2012 at 3:29 PM, The Run With
Thanks… not too excited.
This is a really good question! I recently read this article in the NYT which I TOTALLY related to! It basically says that shyness is often misinterpreted and many times those people who seem to be outgoing or extroverts are secretly shy. To the point of having some major social anxiety. This article describes me to a T
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/08/fashion/shyness-often-afflicts-unexpected-victims.html?pagewanted=all
Thanks for sharing this article, wow I can so relate. Such a great find.
I am the same way,..I am extroverted in the sense that I can be outgoing, love to talk to people, get excited being around others, I love doing nutrition education in front of a big group etc..but I also am introverted in the sense that I love ME time. I need to go home after work and spend time to myself to unwind. I also don’t mind doing things alone either sometimes. I also live alone and love it. So it’s hard to really define exactly what I am, and I think thats okay!! IT is hard to open up on a blog as well, so don’t be hard on yourself! I do personally feel that your personality comes through well and I love reading your posts!!
It is so weird because I could literally spill my guts on my blog but in real life I rarely do that. This is the first time I feel like I have actually come out of my shell and embraced me.
I love that you have found yourself and are comfortable in your skin. You don’t have to put on a face or justify anything! Just be you. I used to put on a face for people and let people run over me, but I have found that I grew out of it as I grew more comfortable with my own skin. I am a very shy extrovert!
What a great way to put it, a shy extrovert. I love how you have said you have come out of your shell, I hope I can continue to do that.
I’m a proud introvert and have totally embraced it. It doesn’t mean that I’m anti social or a hermit, just that I prefer the company of small groups of people, am introspective, and need alone time. I’ve realized that that’s OK! I hope you’re finding peace in your own alone time!
That is awesome, I am glad you embrace it because I think there is such a stigma behind being an introvert. I see it as a great thing.
You always steal the words out of my mouth. That is exactly how I feel. When I need to, I’m an ex but when I don’t need to I’m an in. At work I’m more in. But when we were at happy hour, I was more ex. It’s really weird how that happens.
I can totally relate, certain situations bring out the different sides in me. Hard to even describe.
ugh tough question! i’m totally a bit of both! i know that sounds like i’m not answering the question but i really am both at certain times and situations.
I couldn’t agree more! It is hard to take a side.
Graduating from college makes you discover who you are. You’re forced to be a grownup and stand on your own two feet. I’m glad that you’ve figured out who you are because it’s much easier to navigate life when you are confident in who you are.
I’m an introvert with fantastic social skills. I’m a great public speaker and rocked sorority recruitment but being around people 24/7 exhausts me. I don’t do well living my friends so I’m a much happier person when I live alone.
And don’t feel bad about the relationship. My longest relationship was six months and in college. If you want, just get out there and date and meet different types of guys. I haven’t really had a serious relationship since I graduated but I’ve dated so many types of men, that I really know what I look for in a person.
Yep, this comment confirmed we are the same person. I too have great social skills but I love living alone. I really crave that alone time a lot. I am glad I am finally in that time of being able to discover things about myself. I was so ready to leave college.
I loved college and honestly I wish to go back every once in a while but I was ready to graduate too. College is similar to sleep away camp, great at the beginning and middle but towards the end, you’re ready for the real world.
I guess I just really struggled through college and didn’t feel like myself. Once leaving, I realized how much happier I was. Going back seems like a step backwards.
That is such a hard question for me to answer as well. I love being around people who make me laugh and who I can talk easily with but then again, I’m not one of those people who is totally out there and likes to party and do the typical college thing. And I really love being the center of attention and being on camera but I can’t deal with living with people other than my family and I love having an apartment to myself. So I honestly don’t know what I am, but I think it’s okay not to know as long as you’re okay with who you are.
I can see that in your life just from the blog posts you have written, I give you credit for loving being in front of a camera. I am too, very much not or wasn’t into that typical college lifestyle.
Definitely a great aim! Being happy within yourself is not something many people even have the self awareness to try to achieve. Don’t worry about boyfriends they are trouble! Haha
Haha, I guess I should listen to you and stay away from boys. Who needs em!
Wow,this is so beautifully written,Alex – truly inspiring indeed,thank you for sharing.
I hope the weekend will be a good one for you. Stick to yourself,your looks,your personality… everything. Because you’re awesome,you know? Never doubt that. And never forget that as well.
That is so nice of you to say Kat, I hope that I can enter campus as who I really am and not who people want me to be.
I ponder this question about myself too! I think i’m mostly an extrovert with some introvert tendencies. Pre-ED i was a total extrovert. Funny how that works.
I have to agree and say that I think my ED did add a different dimension for me. I was much more confident prior to my ED and am trying to gain that back now.
I hate being asked that question! I’ve always thought that I was a little of both anyway. I like taking charge and leading, but also sometimes prefer sitting back and letting others take control. It all depends on the situation.
That is kind of a great balance to have in life, I think sometimes when I am all about doing it myself it can get very isolating.
Alex, this is very touching. I am happy to have found your blog at a time when you are realizing so much. I am an introvert. I am not comfortable with myself by myself so of course crowds are even worse. I think you are making great strides with this and I hope this weekend is AMAZING and only helps in your progress. I really hate the question how are you, am I supposed to say anything other than I am doing well? Do they rally care? or are they just asking because that is the first natural question in conversations. If you don’t care and want the real answer, don’t ask because life is not always “I am doing well”
Yes, that is it exactly. I hate the real reason behind why they ask you that question or even why you think they are asking you that question. I never know how to answer and I hate that. Thank you so much!
Be YOU, and have FUN is all I gotta say girl
Let all the hatersss hateee!! haha
Ha you are so sweet!
Finding happiness within yourself is the first step towards inner and outer peace. One of my favorite quotes of all time is “your first and last love is self love.” I graduated last May (2011) and have become more introverted and lost than ever before. It’s a tough time in many people’s lives so don’t be too tough on yourself! Things will fall into place as needed.
What a great quote, I feel like college I was not myself while when I graduated I all of a sudden feel more connected to myself. I guess that is why I am not excited about going back.
Ugh, that is an awful question, isn’t it?
I always feel stuck in the middle with it as well. Of course, the ED turned me into a shy little thing, but I was never ridiculously outgoing to begin with. I do fine socializing now, but I usually require some sort of inner pep talk in order to really put myself out there. Is anyone actually just one or the other? I feel like people can differ depending on the situation. You may be introverted in crowds or with people you don’t know well, but completely outgoing and confident with friends or family.
I have to agree so much with what you said. I think my ed changed a huge aspect of it and I am slowly building that confidence back up