I do my best thinking aka blog idea formulation on my runs and in the shower. (Except for this morning because I was too terrified after literally pulling down my pants to pee in a bush – classy, I know – to realize I was a foot from a raccoon. My life.)
One question that I hate hearing and struggle myself to answer is, are you an extrovert or introvert? For so long I would always declare myself that extrovert. I love commanding a room, taking center stage, making presentations, being a leader, you name it. I have no shame when it comes to making other laughs and even laughing at myself. I would never really consider myself shy, I have no problem in any sort of new setting to strike up a conversation. This is why I loved being a resident adviser. I had over 17 girls and later on when I was head, a staff of over 40 students, that looked up to me. So what would you say, an extrovert?
Something that I have realized though, is that it is hard to declare myself as that extrovert because I feel like an introvert in self promotion. Not the selling yourself shamelessly but in the putting who you are out there for all to see. Does that even make sense? This is harder to explain than I thought….
In reality, I see extroverts as having that confidence to enter a room and be who they are. I know if I am asked to do that, I sure as hell can, but it comes with a lot of self doubt. Rather than letting the judgments fall aside, I judge myself and project how others judge me. It is always that idea of not being good enough or even what they wanted. I can’t just have that confidence to say, “well sucks for them – this is who I am”.
If anything, my goal for this year after graduating from college is to build that happiness of being me. This peace with who I am is something I want to strive for. I know relationships in my life are hard to form because I have this quality of not feeling like I am enough. If you are not happy with yourself, there is no way you can open yourself up for others to enjoy. I have never really talked about it on the blog but I have never had a serious relationship. Ever. I had one boyfriend in college that lasted a whole three months where we barely even held hands. I am sick of missing out on things that could have gone great, both friends and family bonds, because I lack that commitment to be comfortable with myself. There it is, comfort with myself. A quality I lack. Spending time with others is unbearable if you can’t be comfortable in your skin and letting loose.
Where did this all come from? I think in preparing for this weekend, returning to the college I graduated from in May, seeing people both graduates and undergraduates – I know I will get that question so how are you? Again, another question I loathe. Why? Because I feel like I need to justify my happiness. Justify that I am doing so well, loving my job, meeting some new people. All at the same time hiding that … well I may be happy but I also feel overwhelmed by the money situation, barely do anything social and still feel lonely a lot of the time. Don’t even ask about boys. But in reality, I should be ok with saying all of that. The parts that are good, the parts that are bad. Now I am talking myself in a circle.
If anything, this weekend I want to be Alex. Not the Alex in college who put on a face to get by, who let people trample over her – I want to be the Alex who if anything found her voice and humor in DC. For the first time in a long time, I am actually proud of my honesty and realness. Ya it has only been three months, get off your high horse Alex, but three months has made a difference. Who knew that is the first thing DC would bring.
Questions: How would you answer the extroverted or introverted question? What is one question you hate being asked?