While I am bombarded by all the foodie day in the life eats posts today in the blog world, my mind went elsewhere. I wanted to start out saying, I am the only one like this. Then I realized most of society actually struggles with the same thing. In varying degrees of course. It is wanting what you can’t have or wanting what you don’t have.
The idea of being content is a tough one for me. In all honestly, I can’t name a time I have ever felt content. When I was young the wants were less trivial and less self directed. More on ‘get me the pony’ type want (no I promise I never wanted a pony). When I got older though, the wants began to define my mood, my outlook and my confidence.
You see I see struggle with that wanting what I don’t have. I see others, compare myself, and right there I begin to become frustrated with all the things I don’t have. Physical, tangible, mental, ability.. you name it, I want it. I think self confidence goes hand in hand with this for me. I do not think highly of myself or my abilities, it takes a lot for me to really feel proud of what I put forth. My highly judgmental self struggles to let me win that one battle self contentment.
Since moving to DC , I feel like more than ever my wants have grown. This makes me feel selfish and disappointed. It makes me stressed and second guess all my decisions more than I would like. My ‘dream’, ‘wants’ and ‘desires’ list seems longer than ever both on paper and in my head. Have I become more unhappy? Am I unable to have what I want? Have I lost the ability to actually feel content?
You know those posts that wrap it all up with a nice bow and solutions all around? This is not one of them. I see this, I see my questions and I really can’t answer them. I know I dip and dive emotions but I attribute a lot of that to change and adjusting to the transition. But three months in, can I still consider that transition? What I want to say is that contentment is a tough emotion for me. Yes, I find those little smiles, I find those moments of bliss – but what can erase or at least reduce those wants so that they are not always on my mind? That is the question.
Question: What is your take on feeling content and always needing something?
Thank you, Alex – from the bottom of my heart. I NEEDED to hear this today. While I do feel like I’m “content” because I really am blessed, I also feel guilty because I constantly find myself wanting more (more happiness, more love, more strength, more confidence, job that uses more of my skills …). It’s hard feeling as though things could be better but that you’re not there, and comparison traps are definitely deadly. I suppose that we can just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remind ourselves that we don’t live in sitcoms and everything doesn’t always end right in the end? But still have the optimism that they’ll end as well as possible?
You’re definitely not alone in your feelings.
Thanks for that Chelsie, it is nice to hear that I am not alone on this. I hate that I always feel that whining want, it makes me almost question the selfishness qualities I never thought I had but someone just seem to be more prevalent.
You are not alone in this struggle Alex. I think many people struggle with being truly happy in the present. We look to the future instead of basking in the day we are living today. Yes we feel success in our accomplishments, but we tend to move on and without savoring them. I think maybe our society is too revolved around planning and being successful that we no long live in the moment thankful for what we have. I am trying to pause a couple times each day to reflect on this day and what has happened that I have loved. Without looking towards tomorrow and how I will “top” what I have already done.
Gosh, I could not have said it better myself. I have to agree, we are programmed to only see those successes and if there isn’t one then what is there? It stinks that the idea of just living in that contentment is kind of a hard spot to find.
It does stink. It is what has happened to the whole world. I wish it wasn’t so like so many other things modern society has brought!
Agreed.
it is hard to not compare yourself to others and what they have and you don’t have I used to do it all the time. But I have slowly realized that living a life of wanting and wishing to have someone else’s is wasting my life away. I also would remind myself that everything may seem perfect on the outside but on the inside that person could be going through something that I am not. I am positive you will find contentment in your life soon, it is a slow progress and it took me a while to accept myself and have the what you see is what you get attitude and if people don’t like me for me, their loss!
Ah so well put Kaitlin. I think it is all a process of finding that happy point where no matter what you realize that life moves on, things work out and there is no need to worry.
Sometimes it is hard being content, but then I take a look at people who have NOTHING or those animals that are being abused, or people that are just going through a bunch of horrible horrible shit, and I feel really grateful for the wonderful life that I do have. It is hard to not compare, but I try to look on the bright side of things. I have my health (some people struggle with theirs daily), I have my family (some people have lost all of theirs), I have a job (some people can’t find a job to save their lives), and I have a place to live (some people are homeless or stuck in a house with no running water or electricity). There is always a brighter side no matter how you look at it, you just have to find the sunshine in all of the rain. (<—Cheesiness, but truth.)
This is all so true and something I have started to realize now that I live in a city. I know I am lucky for all I have even if at times it doesn’t feel like a lot or I have things going on that are not too fun. What a wonderful reminder Brandi, thank you.
That worrying pic really sticks with me today! I’m worry about so many things right now, it’s giving me a stomachache. I need to somehow figure out a way to be content today. Easier said than done, huh? :/
Agreed, I worry too much and I def feel it physically as well.
I think it’s pretty normal to want for things in life. I call them goals instead of wants and that helps me feel empowered and less selfish as a result. Whenever I feel like I want what someone else has, I ask myself if its something I’d be willing to sacrifice time/money for (for example: 4 pack abs, a new car, etc.) If the answer is no I instantly feel better and can just be happy. I know it’s difficult to cheer yourself on and believe that you are amazing. I’m my own worst critic too. Just know that you are not alone and that the inspiration to reinvigorate your attitude & awaken your soul are out there waiting to be discovered. Sorry was that too frufru?? lol
I mean it. You never know what will spark that happiness again.
I really like that perspective, a lot. I never thought of it that way. I think there are wants that are superficial and not necessary versus ones that may make me happy momentaryily. It is finding that balance of which ones to use.
You’re definitely not alone with this.. me and my sister called this stage of life “the twenties” because we both went through a time like this where we would constantly stress over little things.. or always want more… I know what got me through that was just living in the moment and stop worry about the future (that’s what I was doing a lot)… the future will come in time. Living in the past depresses you and living in the future stresses you.. that’s what my Sister told me and really opened my eyes to how important it is to just live in the now
wow thanks for sharing that with me Rachel, I love that perspective. I hope it is just a phase because right now it feels all consuming.
Wow,that picture is so powerful. And so true as well,really… Thanks for sharing,I’m sort of impressed right now.
Know that you are not alone with this problem,though,Alex… I have the feeling no matter what happens,I am always unhappy with myself and my situation. I want something,and as soon as I get it,I want more. It drives me crazy,nothing ever seems to be enough… Sigh!
I have found that when I am not content with myself or am having a hard time living in the present moment, what gets me “out of my own head” so to speak is spending time with others and giving to others, doing something nice for the unfortunate or just for other people in general and giving back helps me to feel happier about myself and about my life in general. It makes me realize just how blessed I really am and to not take things for granted.
I can def agree with this and probably the copious amount of alone time I have been having in the friendless dc so far could be contributing to it. Thanks for great insight!
Your posts are always so honest, and I like that you don’t try to come up with an answer or wrap it up in a pretty bow. Some things just aren’t like that. I think everyone struggles with what you’re writing about. Some are more fortunate, in that they find what makes them happy early in life, and for others it takes time. Are you doing what you love? Are you in relationships that make you happy and feel better about yourself? My husband has a brother who is constantly buying stuff, because I believe he’s unhappy in his personal life, so that is how he compensates. I know because I’ve been there. What has helped me has been the rich relationships I’ve built with my husband and the few people I’m close to. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are deeply important to me. On top of that, I’ve found an outlet for what I love most in life….cooking. I still have times of insecurity and discontentment, but it’s nothing like it used to be. I used to be very envious of others and wish I had their life, because I just wasn’t happy with who I was. You’ve done a lot in that you’re recognizing all of this in yourself. Now, you just have to figure out what makes you happy! Easier said than done, but with your insight, I fully believe you’ll figure it out!
Lauren, thanks for sharing all of that. I never thought of it in the other way as trying to compensate for what you are lacking. i think I have a lot I should be grateful of and it is realizing that some things are meant to be that way. So true!
I definitely struggle with contentment…I wish my office was there instead of here, I wish I lived in that apartment instead of my apartment, I wish I could afford to have a bigger grocery budget, I wish I could eat nothing but chocolate frosting all day err day and never get sick or sick of it and meet all my nutritional needs (haha). All of this usually stems from jealousy (those people work in a cool office, that apartment looks way better than mine, she can afford gourmet food), and since that’s the case, I think it’s important to remember that all of these people who have what I want also have their own wants. Having a huge apartment with central air conditioning isn’t the key to happiness (in fact, it would probably be the key to more stress…more space = more cleaning. Boo. Haha). I don’t think it’s easy to be happy with what you have, but I think it’s important to count your blessings rather than count your needs/wants (which is not to say that I do this often…ever…but it probably would be a good practice for me to pick up!).
Bethany, I love how you put this all. I really feel like a whiney spoiled girl sometimes because I do get jealous of all those people without budgets, high paying jobs, ripped abs (ha!), etc. I agree, I need to count my blessings.
I think that contentment is something that SO many people struggle with. In fact, I’ll even go as far as to say that everyone struggles with it at some point in their lives. Even people who seem to have everything may want something that you have.
The grass will always be greener on the other side… and its funny because its so true- lack of contentment and worry go hand in hand.
But I love this Bible verse, Matthew 6:25-34. It’s all about not worrying, because we ALWAYS end up taken care of and having more than we need. And how worrying doesn’t add a single moment to life.
I heard this quote the other day, and i LOVED it:
“When you are feeling down, go be a blessing to someone.”
I feel like that would solve all the world’s problems.
Hope you feel better
Oh gosh I love all of those passages and quotes. Thank you for sharing them with me. I am all about the physical tangible reminders you can write out like that.
Sigh, the comparison trap! It is awful and catches all of us. I wrote about this yesterday, but I remember recently I was writing an essay about what makes me unique and I was just thinking “But nothing about me is unique or special!” Then I asked my mom and her list went on for days. Things I had completely forgotten about or put no value on, she viewed as completely amazing. And she was right! We have to take a step back and stop holding ourselves to some higher standard of perfection than we hold everyone else to… we’re not fair to ourselves. I always have to remind myself that we’re seeing only parts of other people’s lives- the beautiful, wonderful things that we can covet and wish for, but we’re not seeing the other things.. everyone has their frustrations and our problems are probably preferable than the things that other folks deal with. Great post, Alex & thanks as always for sharing your thoughts so honestly!
I actually have to say I just read your post and couldn’t get enough of it. I can so relate to what you were writing about and is really what I have been feeling lately. I just appreciated everything you said it, times about a billion.
As for transition, moving is a huge deal and one of the biggest stressors in a person’s life. I would give yourself a good year to consider yourself out of the transition phase. I find that when I focus more on what I have, I am content. I have never been a person to want tons of things (materialistic or otherwise). I enjoy the simple things in life and they are actually what I consider to be the best things in life! Try not to compare yourself to anyone else. Be proud of who you are and what you’re all about!
Ya, I guess I am less of a wanting material things but it is like the bigger comparing I am a sucker for. Got to keep my head up though!
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Hmm.. I don’t know that this comparison thing will ever completely go away but I will say that as you get older the tendency to do so decreases. I am finding myself looking more and more at what I do have vs. my wants regarding what others have (or what they look like).
That is a great thing to concentrate on, something I know I want to actively work on.
I’m going to say that lacking contentment isn’t that bad. A lack of contentment keeps you motivated and determined to change your life. Now if you don’t handle your lack of contentment as motivation, you easily fall into the comparison trap and the perpetual pity party trap.
In order to thrive without contentment, you need to accept where you are right now. Acceptance doesn’t mean contentment. It means that you acknowledge that you are at point A even when you want to be at point B. You can use that lack of contentment to figure out what you need to do to get to point B as opposed to feeling sorry for yourself for being stuck at point A. It’s really hard but if you can funnel that energy into changing your life, guess what, you will change your life.
I’m going to encourage you to create a vision board. Go through magazines/newspapers/books and cut out images that represent what you want from life. Make a collage and put it some place that you see everyday. This serves as grounding force that keeps you from falling into the my life sucks trap. I know that when I have that visual reminder, I keep working hard at changing what I dislike about my life. Not going to lie, it’s an uphill battle but it’s totally worth it
Here’s lots of hugs that you feel better and use your lack of contentment to your benefit!
Um, thank you. I agree contentment does not have to be a bad thing. It give us drive, motivation but as you said getting stuck behind the pity party is no fun. I haven’t done a vision board in ages. Looks like it is about time! You are amazing Sarah, I have missed this dose of help.
Love and appreciate your honesty as I struggle with the same feelings every day. Then on top of struggling to find contentment and acceptance in my every day experience, I then become frustrated with myself for not being able to reach that point. Which does nothing but perpetuate the negative loop inside my head. I find I experience the struggle most often in terms of my feelings: never feeling what I think I “should” be feeling or being frustrated with my current state of being. Or always thinking I could be feeling something “better”. It helps me to remember that feelings are temporal. Nothing lasts forever. No feeling is better or worse than another feeling. Staying truly engaged in the present moment helps to remember this: not focusing on the past or future but what is. Maybe this could help with your anxiety over feeling content. Just a thought!
That is such great advice, I really can’t thank you enough for that. I think I need to ride that wave of emotion as I said earlier and see what I want in the long run.
I think in order to feel content you need to be feeling as though you are working towards some sort of goal and achieving some sort of success in your every day life. Your blog is amazing, and so inspiring, you should feel content in how you are inspiring others by being so open and honest about your feelings
I actually started thinking about that and I think that is why I feel this way.For once I don’t have a goal in front of me. School had that graduate goal but now that I am out I need to find my next step in life.
glad you wrote this. Lately, I’ve significantly cut back on buying useless things that I thought would make me “happier” and have started only buying essentials. this way, I have to find other ways to be happy- happiness that comes from within, not from an external. It’s been a learning process
However, sometimes i just gotta splurge on something, because everyone deserves that every once in a while.
Great post as always deary.. I have actually written something similar at one point or another. The idea of never being satisfied, always wanting to make a change of some sort is a major issue with me. It has always been something negative for me as well, but from what I read on other peoples comments, we can think of it as something good as well! We always see something bad about ourselves and want to change that… but we should strive to improve ourselves in order to better our lives!
I know, I am glad I read the comments because I always see it as negative, never a positive. But in reality I should see both sides of it. I think I still struggle though with being in that happy place of contentment and feeling satisfied with who I am.
It is easy to look at what you don’t have and wish things were different. However, I am learning to be content with where God has me now. If we always wish we had something else, we will miss out on the blessings of today! Most of the time our lives aren’t as bad as we think when we look back. I’m a work in progress on this!
I love that reminder that we are all works in progress. I always remind myself of what a very close friend told me, ‘anxiety is like a slap in the face to God, he knows where our lives will lead’.
I think that wanting is normal – and doesn’t necessarily make you unhappy. I am happy, but there things that I want and I’m striving for. I am happy with myself, but I know that I can change things to make myself better. I guess I don’t see wanting as negative, so you should try to see it positively! You want to improve your life, and that means you care
Gosh you put that so well. I guess I always see wanting as negative and is myself holding me back. I think I need to rethink things.
this is an awesome post and something i relate to SOO much!! it’s funny because for me the ‘wants’ are exactly what u describe, in that they aren’t really anything materialistic but moreso what i want from myself, want to have achieved, want to be proud of, want to show that i’ve accomplished…yada yada. and the comparing myself to everyone and always feeling like i’m not where i ‘want’ to be or where others are, it only ends up making me feel anxious and disappointed. so much for a glass half full logic!! jk. no, but seriously, sometimes we need to be easier/kinder on ourselves in order to be happy…even if we’re not where we want to be yet, that’s okay, just keep moving forward and eventually we’ll get there…if we ‘want’ to…hehe.
PS- u are still WELL within the period of adjustment time frame!!
Cait thank you for this great comment. I am glad you could relate to this and you really seem like you were reading my mind in that little brain dump you put there.
Ahh the comparison syndrome – I have it too. In all honesty, one of the most important changes I made (more like forced on myself) in my life was to stop comparing my life to others. It was life-changing. It’s important to realize that at one point this (what this may be…job, home, etc.) is exactly what you wanted at one point. This really helps put things in perspective for me!
Yep, you named it. That syndrome gets me more than I would like. What a great outlook you have!
Not feeling content is the worse feeling. And what’s worse is feeling guilty for not feeling content. Does that make sense??? One of my favorite passages in the bible where it talks about being content not matter what state that I am in. For my human mind this can be hard sometimes and then I get myself into trouble. One of the good things about not feeling content is that it spurs us on to make changes in our lives. To go toward a goal of some sort. The end result being a positive one.
Hang in there Alex.
I couldn’t have said it better myself, not feeling content but then feeling guilty for not feeling content. Arg what a dilemma. I love that passage message, how true it is.
I’m the same way. But my last semester of college I took a wonderful leadership class that taught me a lot about myself. And one was learning to be present with one self and living in the now. Not to dwell on things that has happened or hasn’t happened. And that we are better off than a lot of people. It’s really opened my eyes a lot. Not going to lie, I do still dwell on the past and future and always want things I don’t need but that’s life. So I totally understand what you’re saying.
Um what a cool class, looks like there was a lot of self reflection. I know one of my goals is to concentrate on that reflection and see where I can grow.
it’ll feel so great afterward!
if you ever need someone to talk to, just email me! 
I look at it two ways. On the one hand being discontent can be a good thing as it can motivate you to go on and achieve bigger and better things. Never accepting less. The flip side I think it is important to feel content about certain things. I.e. family. I’m content and grateful to have two beautiful children, a wonderful mum, dad, bro and sister. Even if I die tomorrow or never achieve anything I want to I will be content to be surrounded by their love. However there are definitely other things in my life that I am not content with – so I’m working on them!
That is something I need to remember, that no matter what there is space to grow. I want to find more way I can stay content because I know I have a lot to be content about. Then I can get to working on what I want to change.
I think that in life there isn’t always an answer and its a part of getting older that our dreams/wants seem to get bigger. Sometimes it is easy to get carried away and constantly look at what we want or what we feel like what we should have based on our age, place we are etc. But really I think its about stepping back and looking at what you have NOW and what you have done. I know I get wrapped up in feeling like I need to be better or strive for something more. But really, sometimes when I think about it, I realize these desires are not really mine but it is society giving me the idea that I need to be or do certain things. I really like this post and I commend you for putting your feelings out there. I know we all can relate in one way or another!
So true! I know when we are younger the goals are ones that we dont’ even think will ever need to happen, now when I am older I want them to happen to so much more. Plus the daily stresses are far greater. Jess, you are always so sweet in your comments.
So my sister and her husband and two kids have been living with my parents for over a year now. It’s not because they can’t afford anything, it’s because they’re looking for a dream home, which I understand but at some point ya gotta compromise! Anyway, I have found myself incredibly jealous – not only of the loads of money they’re saving (I mean they’re not paying rent, bills, food, ANYTHING), but also because of the time they’re spending with my parents ALL THE TIME. I have found myself very jealous and unhappy at times and that is not who I am at all. It frustrates me and I strive to change it but sometimes it’s hard to control our feelings! I guess we are human..
Thanks Linz for sharing that, I always get so much from your advice and insight. Wow, that really is a sacrifice they are making and I guess I too would be jealous of what they are saving and the time they get. It is all a compromise, I think I need to find that balance of being happy where I am and not comparing.
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