I haven’t been too deep lately. Never a good sign. I know I started this blog for accountability and self growth. It helped me stay honest to myself and see the changes that were still taking place within me. I also feel for the first time my daily emotions being impacted by this. I honestly think it is contributing greatly to my added stress and possibly feeling of being unsatisfied. I feel like because of this I can’t fully embrace trying new things. My worry with writing this? Judgment. I fear I will be judged when I know I already judge myself on it. I judge myself a lot about this. But I am me no matter what, other people’s judgment is just part of life’s game. Take me for what I am.
Let’s talk about black and white thinking. I would consider myself well versed in this terrible language. I see everything as all or nothing. I am in or I am out. I succeeded or I failed. I was good or I was bad. I messed up or I did perfect. See the problem? There is no fine line I walk on. I take the plunge or I end up floating. This is something I worked hard on when I was in inpatient. I was surrounded by some close supports that made me realize I was setting myself up for a destructive self relationship by keeping this kind of thinking. I was only brining myself further down by having this mindset.
I will admit, I worked hard on this. I see the huge amount of growth I have made in changing this black and white mindset. I refuse to allow myself to label foods, I include a variety of foods, I allow myself to make mistakes, I try to judge myself less harshly. There is a still a lot I still need to work on in the mental department of black or white. I am a perfectionist at heart which I fight daily with to counteract. But the mental part is something I don’t want to discuss. The mental part is something I have skills to put to use on.
I want to talk about the physical that comes with the black and white. I have been open on my blog about my eating disorder past and last year plus in recovery. I never really talked about behaviors because I think that is irrelevant in the long run to a community of non eating disorder people. I spent five years in a destructive relationship with food that began with restriction and merged into a subset of restriction and bingeing. Bingeing was scary for me because all of a sudden this perfect type A girl had no control over this behavior. It became, at first, something I did because I was literally starving but ended up turning into a habit even at a healthy weight three years ago. People never understood this behavior because on the outside it seemed like a behavior I would never engage in. I hated it because it was messy, I didn’t purge to counteract, and no one saw it but my parents. You see, it was a secret I hated and a secret I was fully ashamed of. The worst part I never admit and am baffled I am about to admit is that I stole food, I hid food, I ate from the trash, it was gross.
Wow that feels good. I wanted to put that out there because behind that behavior came a lot of fear. A fear that every moment I would succumb to a binge and fall yet again in a feeling of shame. Unlike restriction, bingeing made me feel like a failure. It made me feel gross, unattractive and like a monster. It was a demon inside of me I did not understand and wanted to rid of. This behavior was the hardest to break and while I never have the terrible episodes I have had in the past, the past year has definitely not been mini binge free.
I live in fear of binges, I LIVE present tense you see. I have a huge fear every time I grocery shop, every time I am around a lot of food of bingeing. I hate fear. Fear pulls me back and makes me feel vulnerable. I mean who actually likes fear? No one.
One ‘habit’ that has developed out of this fear is the way I shop. I refuse to keep certain foods in the apartment and I can’t buy things with a lot of servings. I had been super open about this with my nutritionist last year. We worked hard to counteract it but it is hard when I was in a place without a kitchen for myself. Since living on my own, I realize how much of a problem that is. Some of the foods I won’t buy I NEED, some of the foods I don’t buy I CRAVE, some of the things I don’t buy, I WANT. See? What I see is self deprivation. I hate that. I get frustrated each week that I can’t keep certain foods in the apartment because of how many servings they have. I have a terrible habit that I eat the full package. I need and always do feel the bottom of the bag when I open something, anything. I don’t know why, it makes me mad that I do, but I do. That is why all my snacks and food are in small serving sizes. But think of all the foods I miss out on. I sure can. This truly bothers me to the core. I feel like this is something I need to work past because I don’t want to live this way forever. I want to have food that I want without feeling like I can’t. I honestly would love to keep candy in my apartment without fear I would eat the whole bag. It frustrates me when I see people able to keep half open chip bags in their apartment. For me, I eat the whole bag in one sitting so I just don’t buy it. That is the same with all snacks. WHY ALEX WHY.
I am writing this to be honest with all of you and mostly to see if anyone has advice. Maybe you can’t relate, but I hoping that someone out there can and knows how to overcome this. Because honestly I am sick of it. I wrote this after reading Sloane’s post this morning. It hit me because I saw her pushing past one of her biggest fears. I want to do just that. This right now is the biggest fear I face. It causes me a lot of anxiety and worry – two emotions I just don’t want to deal with on a daily basis. This is my reality check. Recovery is never over. You can be out of the trouble zone but life is about growth, we are never stagnant.