I haven’t been too deep lately. Never a good sign. I know I started this blog for accountability and self growth. It helped me stay honest to myself and see the changes that were still taking place within me. I also feel for the first time my daily emotions being impacted by this. I honestly think it is contributing greatly to my added stress and possibly feeling of being unsatisfied. I feel like because of this I can’t fully embrace trying new things. My worry with writing this? Judgment. I fear I will be judged when I know I already judge myself on it. I judge myself a lot about this. But I am me no matter what, other people’s judgment is just part of life’s game. Take me for what I am.
Let’s talk about black and white thinking. I would consider myself well versed in this terrible language. I see everything as all or nothing. I am in or I am out. I succeeded or I failed. I was good or I was bad. I messed up or I did perfect. See the problem? There is no fine line I walk on. I take the plunge or I end up floating. This is something I worked hard on when I was in inpatient. I was surrounded by some close supports that made me realize I was setting myself up for a destructive self relationship by keeping this kind of thinking. I was only brining myself further down by having this mindset.
I will admit, I worked hard on this. I see the huge amount of growth I have made in changing this black and white mindset. I refuse to allow myself to label foods, I include a variety of foods, I allow myself to make mistakes, I try to judge myself less harshly. There is a still a lot I still need to work on in the mental department of black or white. I am a perfectionist at heart which I fight daily with to counteract. But the mental part is something I don’t want to discuss. The mental part is something I have skills to put to use on.
I want to talk about the physical that comes with the black and white. I have been open on my blog about my eating disorder past and last year plus in recovery. I never really talked about behaviors because I think that is irrelevant in the long run to a community of non eating disorder people. I spent five years in a destructive relationship with food that began with restriction and merged into a subset of restriction and bingeing. Bingeing was scary for me because all of a sudden this perfect type A girl had no control over this behavior. It became, at first, something I did because I was literally starving but ended up turning into a habit even at a healthy weight three years ago. People never understood this behavior because on the outside it seemed like a behavior I would never engage in. I hated it because it was messy, I didn’t purge to counteract, and no one saw it but my parents. You see, it was a secret I hated and a secret I was fully ashamed of. The worst part I never admit and am baffled I am about to admit is that I stole food, I hid food, I ate from the trash, it was gross.
Wow that feels good. I wanted to put that out there because behind that behavior came a lot of fear. A fear that every moment I would succumb to a binge and fall yet again in a feeling of shame. Unlike restriction, bingeing made me feel like a failure. It made me feel gross, unattractive and like a monster. It was a demon inside of me I did not understand and wanted to rid of. This behavior was the hardest to break and while I never have the terrible episodes I have had in the past, the past year has definitely not been mini binge free.
I live in fear of binges, I LIVE present tense you see. I have a huge fear every time I grocery shop, every time I am around a lot of food of bingeing. I hate fear. Fear pulls me back and makes me feel vulnerable. I mean who actually likes fear? No one.
One ‘habit’ that has developed out of this fear is the way I shop. I refuse to keep certain foods in the apartment and I can’t buy things with a lot of servings. I had been super open about this with my nutritionist last year. We worked hard to counteract it but it is hard when I was in a place without a kitchen for myself. Since living on my own, I realize how much of a problem that is. Some of the foods I won’t buy I NEED, some of the foods I don’t buy I CRAVE, some of the things I don’t buy, I WANT. See? What I see is self deprivation. I hate that. I get frustrated each week that I can’t keep certain foods in the apartment because of how many servings they have. I have a terrible habit that I eat the full package. I need and always do feel the bottom of the bag when I open something, anything. I don’t know why, it makes me mad that I do, but I do. That is why all my snacks and food are in small serving sizes. But think of all the foods I miss out on. I sure can. This truly bothers me to the core. I feel like this is something I need to work past because I don’t want to live this way forever. I want to have food that I want without feeling like I can’t. I honestly would love to keep candy in my apartment without fear I would eat the whole bag. It frustrates me when I see people able to keep half open chip bags in their apartment. For me, I eat the whole bag in one sitting so I just don’t buy it. That is the same with all snacks. WHY ALEX WHY.
I am writing this to be honest with all of you and mostly to see if anyone has advice. Maybe you can’t relate, but I hoping that someone out there can and knows how to overcome this. Because honestly I am sick of it. I wrote this after reading Sloane’s post this morning. It hit me because I saw her pushing past one of her biggest fears. I want to do just that. This right now is the biggest fear I face. It causes me a lot of anxiety and worry – two emotions I just don’t want to deal with on a daily basis. This is my reality check. Recovery is never over. You can be out of the trouble zone but life is about growth, we are never stagnant.
“Let go – There’s beauty in the breakdown” 
I definitely appreciate your bravery in posting this Alex!
I’m sorry you’re going through this – it must be so frustrating. Are you still seeing a nutritionist/therapist?
I am not because of the new location. Maybe I will start saving up money to see one, they are just so expensive.
It’s expensive as hell, but if you’re able to pull it off i think it’ll help a lot.
hm something to think about.
I am so proud of you for writing this. You are beautiful, and you can kick your fear in the ass.
Oh Jenna, you are probably learning so much about me you never wanted to know.
I love this post. Thank you for being so open and honest with your readers. It is truly one of your best. I want to offer a suggestion that has worked for me: I would buy the big bag of chips, candy, etc. and as soon as I got home from the store I would divide it up into several small Ziploc snack size bags. By doing so, I was able to eat the full Ziploc bag serving and then I knew it was appropriate to stop. As I got better and more comfortable, I was able to divide the food into bigger baggies and eventually after several months, no baggies were necessary. I will be praying for you and I wish you luck. Most importantly, be patient and kind to yourself. It may be a long process and a huge lesson in trusting yourself, but it is very worth it. Take risks and love yourself.
Wow that is a great idea. I need to give myself the courage to just buy the food. I have for so long just not let myself buy it but I think I need to start buying it and doing this. Honestly thank you for the great advice.
This is me. You described my behaviors down “to a t” (is that even the right saying)? I suffer with that as well. It blows my mind how people could open a carton of ice cream and not want to eat the whole container. I feel like it’s because you and I have taught our bodies to not want those foods. We’ve said they are bad and unacceptable. You know when you’re a little kid and your mom tells you you can’t do something and you just want to do it more? I feel like that’s how it is with restricting and bingeing. You tell your body, “No. You don’t want that,” when in actuality you do, causing yourself to want it even more and over-indulge. I wish I had some advice for you hun, but I just don’t. I do the exact same thing and don’t know how to control it either. Stick in there and know that you’re not alone<3
Aw girl thank you for telling me that. Sometimes I just feel so un normal and I hate that. I want to be able to things and eat things that i want and buy it when I want to. ugh so frustrating.
Your candor is much appreciated, girl
I’d agree with the above poster–maybe talking to a nutritionist about this more would help?
I know, I think I just need to save money so I can find one here.
I hope you realize how normal you are and I hope that publishing this post has made you feel better. I did my own binge-confession post awhile back and that was truly the start of my turn around. It’s amazing how freeing it is to let go of that shame.
I’m the same way with fear of the lurking binge – and so are many, many others! Some people cope by not having those trigger foods in their lives/homes at all. I’ve found that, if I deny what I want, I binge when I’m around it. So I give myself a small portion every day and I make it hard to get to the foods to force me to stop & think about what I’m doing. Ultimately, you’ve got to figure out what works best for you but I have no doubt that you will!
Thanks Tianna for saying all of that. It means the world. I am like you, denying myself from all foods is stupid. I either hate myself and eat a ton of safe stuff or binge. I don’t want to live in denial and I said that to myself last year. I never want to feel that restriction I once felt but I have been feeling that with all the food I won’t buy. I think I need to start small and just do it.
I am so sorry you are going through this and I admire you so much for having the courage to talk about these things. What you are going through is not easy by any means but you have over come so much that I have so much faith that you will over come this. I can relate to some of your binge experiences, I would never buy things that I knew I would eat too much of, and I am ashamed to say I would steal food from my roommates because they had things I wanted but wouldnt buy for myself because I knew bad things would happen, I would steal their food and then act like nothing happened. I would wake up so mad at myself and feel so guilty. I don’t know how I over came it, I think moving back home helped, I think starting to love my body and trying to focus on “eating to live and not living to eat.” It is a battle and something that I will keep in the back of my mind but hope that if the urge to binge ever comes over me that I will have the willpower to stop. You can do it because you are strong, you have a great support from your family and the blog community, people will always be there for you!
Oh my gosh kaitlin, this means the world that you shared this with me. I, shamefully, did the exact same. I would steal other foods because I wouldn’t buy it for myself. I just hate the feeling of not being able to buy things for myself that I want. It is frustrating as hell. I hope I can start small and keep testing myself. That is what i did with my nutritionist and I think I need to just start facing the fear head on.
I can relate to this completely. I don’t buy foods because I will binge on them. I have nights where I do binge eat and I have to think why I’m doing it. It’s usually because I didn’t eat enough throughout the day. At night I usually eat spoonfuls of peanut butter. One after another and it’s difficult to stop. I don’t know if this is considered binge eating or what, but I feel the same way as you do.
It is something that I hate the backlash from. I know I will never binge like I used to but I still fear that empty of the bag feeling that happens all too often.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this inner battle Alex! Honestly, I was a bit worried before because you would always say, “I never buy enough or what I want, so I’m not satisfied” and in my head I was like, “That’s restriction, please stop it’s not good!” But now I get why.. You are really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Have you ever considered buying big bags of things and using zip lock bags to make it smaller? With the food I tend to “go overboard” on, I also find it really helpful to just measure out how much I want and putting it away before eating. So like with nut butters, I’ll put it on my oatmeal or whatever, put the jar away, and then eat so then I can’t have spoonfuls of it before I eat (which has been known to happen..). I hope you can figure out a way to buy the things you want/need soon, I’m rooting for you!!
I like this ziploc bag idea. In reality, I just was in fear so did nothing. Stagnant, never good. I know I need to just bite the bullet and have an exposure of some of these things, slowly but surely. Thanks for such great advice. Yes, a rock and a hard place is perfectly described.
Wow, this is so honest. I feel like so many people have this very same problem, it’s scary how many people probably struggle with this but don’t talk about it. I definitely understand not wanting to buy certain things because you live alone and no one is there to help you eat it and you don’t want to eat the whole thing by yourself. I for sure have been having that problem with sweets lately. This is when I wish I had a roommate or something. If someone was there with me, I wouldn’t keep eating because I’d be preoccupied–I’d be talking and interacting with them and not focusing on the food. My plan this year is to get out of the house more. I’m going to pack my lunches and eat them on campus instead of at my house. After dinner, I’m going to go walking with my friends or go to the library to get some work done. Maybe these strategies will help you too. I think for me, it’s about shifting my focus to something besides food
I know I need to do that, i don’t make a lot of plans so getting out of my apartment could help a whole freaking lot. I love your strategies and I need to find a support system so I can utilize all of it.
I think it is really important to differentiate as to WHY you feel this way about particular foods. Is the overeating (or fear of) stemming from a physical or pychological root? As in, are you just denying yourself calories day in and day out so that your body just wants to get them from any source (and of course easy, packaged foods are an easy way, even healthy ones!) Or is it more of a mental or pychological root in terms of denying yourself the food and so your brain craves it more. I think if you are able to answer this question, you will help yourself a great deal. Obviously, if it is an undereating issue, than you know the only way to remedy the situation is to eat more/the appropriate amount. That way, certain foods won’t make you want to go crazy or eat more than a serving or whatever because your body will be getting what it needs and be satisfied. If it is pychological, it can be a bit trickier. I think that if you really and truly are meeting your intake needs then you need to train your body to stop- portioning the snacks can help. I also think that waiting until the end of the day is good to do as well. So then you can save your treat or whatever, eat it, and then be done. Your not constantly thinking about it or eating more or whatever. I think that if you try to buy something and ration it, it will be very empowering. Being able to say no, and put it away is very rewarding in itself (provided that you are not using it as a means of restriction.) I think that it helps to give youself permission to eat it. As in, when you eat a serving, know that you could eat more another time. This eliminates ‘last chance’ eating or the feeling that you have to eat it all and then never bring it in the house again. Knowing that it is there for you whenever removes some of the perceieved power that a specific food can have over you.
Again, these are just little things I think may help you. Like everyone else, I admire your courage in posting this and appreciate your blog! Hope you are enjoying your day!
I love those questions and I think it is something I want and need to journal about. I need to do exposure because right now I just avoid buying them. I love that you said empowerment is what I will gain, hilarious because all I think about is fear. See where my mind is? Not a good place. I think planning my next steps will be vital in this. Your comment meant a lot to me,no judgment just support. I seriously appreciate all your words, what a great comment this was for me to read.
Thank you for trusting this little blogging community enough to share this with us. I’m glad you were able to get this off your chest. I know exactly how you feel. I used to restrict, and I binged my weight back. Now that I’m at a healthy weight, I still struggle with binging as well, so I know how hard it is. I can also relate to no one thinking I do it, it’s so frustrating! I’m working with my psychologist by eating certain trigger foods with him in a controlled environment, and talking about my feelings, before, during and after. I personally don’t see how it’s helping though, especially because I usually just go home and binge afterwards, but hey, it may work for you. But I can totally relate to the fear. It also helps me to portion things out, then put the package away. I know you can get through this though, you are a strong person and very determined, I believe in you, and if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.
I think exposure is the next healthy step even though I know it is scary and hard. I hate to say it but that is what I have avoiding and avoiding it is doing me no good. There is no growth in that. I am glad you let me know you can relate. You are a strong girl working hard and that is inspiring.
It takes a lot of strength to write the post you just did. I personally have not had an eating disorder, but I do have a binge drinking problem. I know it’s a lack of control that I am having a problem with and that seems to be the common demonimator in a lot of disorders. I am glad you have grown from that stage. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing and I really appreciate your understanding.
eeeeemailing you.
Needed it and truly appreciate it.
WOW Alex I am blown away by this post. You are so brave and so strong for opening up, but also for admitting that you need/want more help even though you are “in recovery”. We tend to use that phrase as a way to keep ourselves sick or to shame ourselves (“This behavior is okay because its not as bad as back when…” “I shouldn’d need/want/be doing…because I’m “in recovery”). Props to you for taking control of your happiness and life. I know how shameful, scary and torturous binging can be, and how INCREDIBLY hard it is to admit that you do/have done it. It frustrates me to no end that people almost glorify anorexia, but anything to do with binging or purging is totally taboo. I wish I had words of wisdom for you or a magic solution, but the truth is, breaking a binging cycle is much harder than a restricting one. I’ve found that it requires a LOT more accountability and support, and a LOT more emotional searching to actually stop the behavior. For a long time I lived in fear of it too, and there were several months where I couldn’t ever be in my house alone. Luckily I had an amazing friend who lived close who let me just come over whenever I wanted, but I also(by suggestion from a therapist) had a list of activities to do, and I just had to make a promise to myself that when I felt a binge coming on (or had started one) I HAD to go do one of those activities FIRST. After I did one, I could either do another or I could go back and binge. Usually, doing an activity gave me enough space to realize that I had a choice of whether to go back to the fridge/pantry (this is certainly not how I felt when I was staring into the freezer or frantically grabbing my keys to get to the nearest store/fast food place). Eventually, I also started sending out SOS texts to my support system while doing one of my activities, and they’d either call or text back, and seeing their responses was also really helpful in stopping the cycle. At first I couldn’t say “I’m about to binge” so we had a code phrase. After truly committing to both these practices, I was usually able to stop a binge in its tracks. Eventually it got easier to have food in the house, and eventually my place was less scary to be alone in. Even now, after not binging in about 8 months I live in fear that one day those feelings will come back, but I am comforted knowing that I truly do know how to break the cycle early. Its hard, baby I know it is. But you are so strong, and so amazing. I’m so so so proud of you, and thanks for the mention to my post!
Love you sweet girl, and sorry this comment was so long!
Wow girl these are all great ideas and things I want to start setting up. I have goals for myself to start buying one of these food at least once a week and keeping it in my apartment. I think the exposure aspect is what I need if I want to move forward. With that I can keep trying it out and set up those supports and skills so I can turn to them. Great advice. You are a wonder woman.
clearly you aren’t alone Alex – there was so much bravery and honesty in that post and for that I applaud and admire you. I have never suffered from an eating disorder, but I can relate to the lack of self control with certain foods. I don’t buy cereal, or chips, or candy to keep in my kitchen, because I will finish them all upon opening them. I too when I lived with roommates, would sneak and snack on some of their snacks because I wanted them, and then would deny it – horrible, i know. But just know you aren’t alone, and don’t be so hard on yourself.
Ugh thank you! I know cereal is one of those ones for me. I never buy cereal because of it but I am truly sick of that denying feature. Heck I love cereal. I know I am super hard on myself such a terrible feature of my self criticism.
Thanks for opening up Alex! You definitely aren’t alone in feeling this way.
I definitely experience this type of thinking. While I’m not a binge eater, I struggle with my restrictive eating and know that I need outside help even though I don’t want it. I’ve set up appointments to see people because I want this problem out of my life!
Lisa you are right. there is a point where asking for help is what you need to do. I hope I can get those supports back in my life to overcome this annoying little thing.
Oh hunnie, I am so glad you decided to share this with all of us. Just by talking and reading your blog these past couple months I have seen such a positive change in you. Your honesty and your bravery are what set you among others. I love that even though you are in “recovery” you still realize that you have things to fix, and want to overcome. I’m not sure if you knew or not, but I too used to have that problem.. especially restricting calories. I would eat so little during the morning & afternoon just so I could have those “safe’ calories for a dessert after dinner. Is it easy to get passed? Absolutely not. Have I overcome restricting calories? To an extent, yes. Then there was binge eating. I too had the greatest fear of buying certain foods, especially ones with 2.5 + servings. I didn’t know how to control myself from indulgement. It wasn’t until these past couple months where things started looking up. First i would hide the foods in my cabinet to help ((I would even get mad @ joshua if he didn’t “cut me off”)), and then would put one serving of foods in plastic bags. Even though I felt so much better doing that, and gaining trust in myself, I still wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel ‘normal’ yet. My brother was that person that made me see things differently though, especially the last few weeks. He wrote sent me an e-mail telling me how worried he was about me, how he wishes he were in kuwait to help, how i need to focus on eating the foods my “body needs”. The e-mail wasn’t the sweetest by any means. I was so angry @ him for thinking something was wrong & using such harsh words.. but ya know what, it’s exactly what i needed. Since then, i’ve been working on uping my calorie intake to 2500, which still seems so outta reach ((the most i’ve done is 1800)). It’s not that i’m terrified of gaining weight, i’m terrified of gaining it so quickly where everyone will know. …. The point is girl, that you aren’t alone & this whole blogging community is behind you 100%. Maybe starting slow by buying foods with larger servings will help. Buy yourself a bag of chips that contain 3 servings, and go from there. You will get threw this girl, I know it.
You are so sweet for leaving me that epic and super helpful comment. I want to say thank you because I see that I am not alone in many of this. I like the idea of plastic bags and I may start to train myself and maybe buy something I want and do that. Man your husband sounds amazing, with a support like that you are very lucky. Thank you for letting me in about this and giving advice, I so appreciate it. Wish I could hug you!
Oh Alex,reading this post almost made me tear up because I can relate so much to everything you say,seriously!
Especially the unability to stop after only ONE serving if there’s left a lot more in the bag… Oh,I always thought I was the only one who has that problem! It is so annoying and frustrating,for sure,because hell,there are so many great foods I just don’t allow myself to buy unless there’s someone willing to share it with me because I just KNOW it would all end up in a huge binge attack again,and unfortunately,I would probably also get rid of the food again afterwards… Not so pretty,but binges aren’t pretty in general,are they?
However,I’ve scanned some of the comments above and also really like the idea to divide the stuff into small plastic bags,but isince I don’t live alone… Well,I sort of worry my dad might think I am completely crazy,but honeslty,he does that anyways.
I just realize this comment turns out to be super self-centered,oh my – sorry,my dear! Only know that I am here for you always,even if I struggle with similar problems,so if you want to talk… You know who you can turn to,okay?
oh Kat this means the world to me. I know for many it is hard to understand and it just seems simple, stop eating. But it is so much harder. I so respect you for writing this comment to me and making me feel less like a gross person. And you did not make that about you, you gave me some peace of mind which I needed. You are amazing and I love the strength you continue to show.
I definitely feel and understand you on not buying certain foods in fear of binging… we certainly don’t keep hardly any “dessert” or “junk” food here because of that. No self control. Annette wrote an amazing post on “Inside A Binge Eaters Head” which I encourage you to check out: http://www.enjoyyourhealthylife.com/2012/08/08/inside-a-binge-eaters-head/
I saw this and wanted to write to her, again that intimidation of big bloggers kind of stood in my way. I loved her article.
This is a great post Alex! Thanks for the honesty! Something that has helped me in the past is talking to a nutritionist!! I really think it would help you. Also, I found that if I bought the food, I would just put a serving in a bowl and sit down to eat it. I wouldn’t allow myself to stand and eat or eat out of a package. I had to serve it on or in a dish and sit down. I don’t know if that would help you out or not, but it helped me.
I hope I can find one in dc when budget is easier.
You are SO not alone in this. Everything you wrote is me down to the last word. I WILL say it does and can get better. I have come miles from 6 months ago. I use to binge 3-4 times a week and severely restrict the other days. Now, I still struggle and sometimes the binges happen but they are far less severe and less frequent. You CAN get there. I don’t honestly know if it ever goes away (I really really hope so) but it will get easier. I found what really helped me was therapy. I found the key was talking about it, learning to love myself and be kind to myself, learning to not let food and exercise control every minute of my life. The BIGGEST thing was eating enough calories everyday. When I actually determined how many calories I should be eating I was astonished! When I upped my food intake I wasn’t starving and didn’t feel the need to binge so often.
I too can not keep many foods in my house, I have guilt and I still hate that sometimes I can’t control it and can’t stop it. BUT I see the progress I have made and am encouraged to keep fighting this and get to a good place! Not perfect just a happy, good place!! You can get there, we all can! Smile, keep your chin up and be good to yourself!! Don’t strive for perfection, just be ok! You’ll get there just keep going!
Gosh Susan thank you for sharing that. I know for me it is that habit that I was just unwilling to look at and work on. I just did the whole avoidance game rather than taking it by the horns and being vulnerable.
This is so brave of you to write about Alex. I think you are already taking a step in overcoming this fear, just by voicing it and putting it out there for others to give you advice. I think everyone is different and not one method that worked for someone will perfectly work for someone else, but hopefully the combination of your own beliefs and other’s suggestions will help you come up with a coping strategy that’s right for you. I think a method that could help with buying big portions of things is to take out of the bag (or whatever it is), the serving size listed on the back. So say, 10 chips. Close the bag and put it away before eating the serving. If you feel the urge to go back and get the rest of the bag, tell yourself you can after you wait 5 minutes. In 5 minutes, if you still want the bag of chips, portion out one more serving size. I have never had a real problem with binging, but I feel like this method helps me just from overeating in general. Often times by the time the five minutes are up, I don’t NEED that extra handful of chips and realize they were delicious and I am satisfied. Another thing that helps when you feel the urge to binge is to keep reminding yourself that you can eat that food again tomorrow. This isn’t the last time you are going to eat this food, so why do you need to eat the entire thing until you are so full you don’t even enjoy it anymore? By allowing yourself to realize that this food isn’t off limits and you can have another normal size portion tomorrow, you will realize you don’t need to eat the entire thing this second. A big part of that is simply buying the foods that scare you and not making them off limits anymore! I don’t know if any of these tips will help you or if they are things you have tried, but I know you will work your way through this and come out stronger. And don’t beat yourself up for feeling “un normal”, because honestly NO ONE is normal. Everyone has their own problems, and you are one step ahead for putting it out there for others to see!
wow Haley thank you for taking the time to write that. I struggle with that wait and see. it is always like, I just want to go back and get more. I need to make myself instead of just caving. You seriously made my day with this, I so appreciate it. A lot.
Such bravery Alex! I don’t have any practical advice to offer only my support. I saw a few comments that mentioned therapy. It can be quite expensive but I think it’s one of the best investments a person can make. If you google “sliding scale therapy DC” you might be able to find some therapists that work with your income. You pay what you can.
I know it is something I may think about, just not right now when expenses are tough.
I can definitely relate to this. A lot actually. For the longest, food was all that I thought about and still do occasionally, but something happened recently and it just clicked. I still have ups and downs, but I don’t feel like I am depriving myself anymore. From the moment I got up, to the moment I went to bed, food was on my mind. What was I going to eat today, will I cheat, or….when I cheat how will I deal with it. What will I eat for dinner and what will I have for a snack. I just became too much! I am not sure what happened, but it all just stopped. I stopped worrying about my struggles with food and started living and eating normal. Not stressing if I ate something that wasn’t good for me. I actually had a good friend tell me the other day that I hadn’t said anything about food lately. This was huge!!
I, like you can’t just stop at one. If I have a bag of candy it becomes this contest….I have to finish!! What’s my prize?? Frustration.
I really do feel for you hon, and I am praying for you. I just wish I could give you a big sister hug!! Keep us posted on your progress. **hugs**
gosh you are so sweet for writing to me. I know that I am not alone but it does feel like one of those embarrassing things only I do sometimes. I need that reminder. I think you have so much knowledge and strength, I will be using you as my inspiration in moments of hardships.
This is so brave. And honestly, the fact that you are able to write about this means that you have so much more control than you even know. I really wish I had advice for you, but all I can say is that you are not alone in this. There are so many people in the world that struggle with things like this. It’s not weird. You DO NOT need to feel shame.
I don’t know you, but I can tell you are an amazing girl with so much going for you. I don’t know if you are religious or anything, but whenever I struggle with anything… especially things I feel are bigger than me, I pray about them. Give them up. Because nothing is bigger than God.
Obviously, you have support from people all around the country!!! So stay strong in this
Wow Susanna that is so nice of you to write. I so appreciate you taking the time to write this. I know that it is something I can work through but I need to actually try to that. Avoiding it any longer is just plain stupid. Thank you !!!
Alex you are so strong. Seriously. Recovery is challenging but beautiful and messy. Ask yourself “what if this were all okay?” or try looking at this as part of your journey and see that you’re doing an amazing thing!! You are beautiful and strong and doing everything right!
You are so sweet Cheryl for writing this, recovery is beautiful but messy and I love that analogy. I so appreciate you giving me some advice and tips.
Wow, so amazing that you have been so open with all of us (and yourself)! I started blogging because I needed a way to be more reflective of my life and to see how full and happy it really was. It has been extremely cathartic and I can only hope that you are gaining so much from you own blogging experience! That said, I deal with disordered binge eating where I too will eat the equivalent of 3 meals (only at night) and never seem to “fill up”. I have been known to leave the house at midnight to go buy more food because I feel I need it. I’ve been dealing with it for some time and not much has changed, but I can TOTALLY relate to how it can make you feel out of control. Feeling out of control could possibly be the worst human feeling there is. You are handling all of this in such an introspective and healthy way (even if it doesn’t feel like it) because you are owning it. That IS awesome!!!!!!
gosh Claire thanks for saying all that. it feels a little better not knowing I am alone. I know while I have come so far I need to take a step back, reflect and realize where I want to grow.
I do the same thing. If I open a bag I tend to eat a little too much. I envy people that can keep a bag of chips for months because they nip at it. With beers when I’m drinking with my friends, they sip and I guzzle. I can’t seem to slow my roll. If you ever find a solution, let me know. Maybe it can help with my weight loss because though I don’t eat a lot of foods, sometimes I binge like crazy and can’t control myself. I’ve kept processed foods out of my everyday eating as much as I can so it’s helped but sometimes, they tummy wants what the tummy wants and if you don’t give in, you end up eating even more than ever.
I know, it is a bad cycle for me because when i eat it and finish the bag I get in a very terrible mindset. It is a vicious cycle.
Yeah. I always hate myself afterward. :/
I am sorry I somehow missed this post Alex! I certainly would have commented on your bravery for writing such a post earlier if I had seen it! But yes, thank you for your honesty here, I most certainly appreciate it and let me just say, I can relate to so many of your words here. I wish neither of us felt this way, feared foods, ones we can’t keep around and such… why can’t we just have a normal attitude toward them– eat what I want to and when I want? Haaaa if only it were that simple.
I know, I wish it was that simple. I just wish I could be normal. Thank you for your kind words. Means a lot.
Hi Alex,
I’ve been trying to write a response to this post for a while now, but it just has not come together. Then today, I came across these videos which make somewhat the same point that I was trying to make. So, I thought I would just pass them on.
http://livinlavidalowcarb.com/blog/2012-low-carb-cruise-lecture-jackie-eberstein/14988
I am not personally carb free. I am a recovered bulimic ( ages 12 – 20 ) and a recovered anorexic (ages 20 – 23). I can definitely relate to the behavior you described in this post. After hearing these videos, I am reminded that my inability to control my appetite for carbs goes back much earlier than when the symptoms of my eating disorder first began. Anyway, my main takeaway point was supposed to be: you may actually be physically addicted to these foods that you can’t stop eating. They are scientifically proven to be addictive. Your particular genetic makeup could make you more vulnerable. Considering that this might be the case, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You don’t need to blame yourself.
God bless you.
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