I didn’t sleep too great last night. Grumpy pants status today for sure. I do have the amazing ability though to slap a smile on my face. Actually, I haven’t slept too great all week. I feel like when I go to lie down my brain decides “hey, let’s think about everything and anything over and over and over…” I have to say I am truly baffled by this. I know I am a light sleeper but never have I struggled so much with staying asleep. Waking up over 5x a night and only getting about six hours of broken sleep just feels rough. Needless to say, I am frustrated. So today, you have to put up with my randomness. I feel like I have just been loading these on lately. It’s how I am rolling this Friday.
- I have realized a lot of my stress is money related. How and when I should and shouldn’t spend my money, what I want, what I need. This is so taxing. I am one of those people that are almost TOO frugal. I never carry cash on me so the temptation to spend money is not there. Lately though, I am feeling like I am denying myself some enjoyment. I know this sounds petty and stupid but I have always been proud of my ability to save money, never spending it, always relying on myself and not my parents. But right now this is not making me happy. I want to be able to feel like I can buy what I am craving, clothes for work, probiotics for my stomach, random snacks. Instead, I seriously have a panic attack just thinking about spending money. What is wrong with me? As you can tell, this is a huge point of frustration for me right now that I am trying to unpile.
- One of my favorite things in the world is getting emails from readers or other bloggers. I am kind of pumped because I had a reader email me yesterday and we are getting coffee this weekend. Friends in DC! I never thought I would be making friends through blogging – what an amazing bonus.
- Today is national watermelon day. Need I say more? I want it now.
- My stomach has decided to reject me today. I am in so much pain and couldn’t even get coffee or food down after my run. I think stress, anxiety, lack of sleep = one unhappy tummy.
5. Colleen did a post on shortcuts this morning that I just soaked up. I wrote in her comment that I lived by shortcuts in my ED. I lived five years of my life thinking I was doing ‘recovery’ when really I was taking shortcuts to everything. It wasn’t until last year I realized how shortcuts were what was holding me back, what was getting me no where. I loved reading this because even now in recovery and a year out I get the opportunity to take those shortcuts. I refuse to, I refuse to go back to ducking behind a wall.
6. Speaking of shortcuts, I need to strength train. I keep telling myself, I will start now or I need a plan. Well friends, I have done jack to move towards that goal. I don’t even know where to begin! It is so hard because I love running, it takes not a lot of motivation for me to do it. Strength training is the opposite. Anyone have any beginner plans I can start doing? I need to build my strength badly…. So sick of chicken arms. haha.
7. At work, no one takes a lunch break. We all work through it just because we always have so much to do. Since the first day I have been here, I kept seeing the three girls in my office go on a 30-45 minute walk around noon each day. Well, two of those girls left leaving me and one other. Yesterday she asked me if I wanted to walk. It was so awesome to get out of the office for a period of time and stroll around the neighborhood. Yay for co worker healthy priorities.
8. This weekend I have no plans. I just feel like exploring again on foot. I am beyond exhausted and just want to wander the city. It is that awkward point where I know I go home next Thursday night so my mind is already there while my body is forced to be here. So ready to go home. My list of things I want/need to do keeps growing.
Not too interesting I have to say. It keeps hitting me that I won’t be going back to school, that what I am doing now is my life for the next year. Crazy.
Questions: What is something that frustrates you currently? How do you deal with lots of anxiety? Any weekend plans?
I always like to say that a nice dose of endorphins with a good workout or a nice hard run can lighten up any mood! I also am a big fan of prayer and if I just need to vent I will call my mom or a good friend who knows me well.
How fun that you are meeting friends thru blogging!
National Watermelon Day should be a real holiday and we should all take off work to celebrate! Just saying
I honestly which I had the day off to just eat watermelon. Those are all great suggestions!
Sorry you didn’t get much sleep! That can be really rough…
I totally understand the money thing. I have anxiety attacks practically if I buy a pair of shoes that I don’t need (because I already have ONE pair I can wear everyday). But hopefully that goes away?
My sisters are shopaholics. They get annoyed with me!
I actually really don’t like watermelon! In fact, its one of the foods that I dislike the most! Weird, huh?
That is SOOOO cool you made a friend through blogging and you are meeting up!!!!
And I think for strength training, you should start with a plank. Hold yourself in that position every day for a little longer. It will be crazy how much strength you slowly build up. Then you can throw in some moves with it. It works your whole core and will really help with running! I love strength training, so I get all excited about it
Have a great weekend!!! Do something fun and spontaneous maybe?
Well you are super helpful right now! Seriously! I am ignoring the fact you don’t like watermelon (WHATTTT) I think that is going to be my first goal. A plank a day. I like it.
Have you ever tried melatonin for sleep? Every now and then I will take it when I can’t sleep after switching back in forth from night shift. That might help things?
Hm no but I am willing to give anything a try at this point!
my suggestion for weight training is grab some hand dumbbells and a jillian Michaels DVD! its a great way to incorporate it and some of her dvd’s sessions are like 25 mins so still time to get in a good session but leaves time for your run too!
I like the quick stuff, it is what keeps me wanting to do it. Thanks for the suggestions.
Money anxieties on my mind too. I underestimated how much money I would spend this summer and I’m not even on my own. No sense is beating myself up about it. I’m learning my lesson and learning strategies for the future. But a lot of money has been on traveling to see friends (NYC this weekend) so I know those experiences are worth the money. Have a wonderful DC weekend!
I think that is what I need to realize, that some things are worth the money especially if I am super savvy most of the time.
Money related stress is really tough…
here is something not many people know about me: when I first when back to school for my PhD I needed to use food stamps for a year. I was used to making 50k a year teaching and then was bascially making nothing. It was such a struggle. It kept me up many MANY nights. So I totally know how it can effect everything. You are obviously such a hard worker and very smart with your finances, so it’s just your situation right now. You’ll pull through and things WILL get easier, I promise!!!!
Keep smiling
Wow Claire, thank you for sharing that with me. You are such an inspiration and always wearing a smile which I respect a lot.
i’ve been sleeping so horribly as well! I always fall asleep on the couch watching the olympics, then go to by bed and toss and turn for an hour! and girl you work so hard you deserve to treat yourself to some food you want to indulge in or some lovely new clothes, even if its just a new dress! can’t wait to see you next week!!
You are too sweet, I have been the same way. Just tossing and turning. Uck!
I am so glad you took a lunch break, those are necessary!! I hate stress, it totally sucks. I hope you feel better about things soon!
Even if it wasn’t for lunch and just a little walk it was so nice. I hope we do it more often.
Frustrating me right now is this girl that is playing with the heartstrings of my brother… grr. That don’t roll with me if ya know what I mean! As for #6, I believe if you do lower body exercises like squats & lunges you are able to run better and faster! Just try to do bodyweight exercises like planks, squats, lunges, and push-ups!
I think I am going to try those body weight exercises first, I just really want to keep my speed up and increase my overall strength. That is frustrating, you could take her.
I hate lack of sleep! Then you can’t do anything! I hope today goes a bit better for you – at least it’s nice to get out and walk with your coworker. I wish my friends/roommates were like that!
I was so surprised when she asked me but boy I needed it that day. Ya, the sleep thing is just getting to me.
HA! Nothing pisses me off more than when autocorrect interferes with my cursing. It makes me curse more.
Couldn’t agree more!
Oh goodness, I can totally relate on the money stress. Recently, I’ve been going crazy with how stressed I am about that stuff. Ugh, growing up is not fun sometimes haha.
And I always feel you on sleeping troubles, I’ve only been getting about 5 hours a night. Its tough when you work until 11pm and have to be up at 5 though…what can ya do?!
That’s super exciting about your blogger meetup!! Keep up the smiling face and positive attitude and things will get better!
I know, growing up is no fun. First bills came in the mail today, that was not a happy face I made. I use my weekends to catch up on sleep by going to bed at like 9 haha. You are so sweet!
money is sooo frustrating for me too–I have so many health goals/wants/needs that I just don’t know how to fund because of other demands. I can’t wait for a day to come when I don’t stress about money. all I can say is hang in there
That is how I feel and I hate it. I want to be able to buy all the things I want. Gr.
You. Me. Kate. Bloggers. FUN. Seriously girl, it’s killing me that you’re sooo stressed out all the time! I admit that I’m the same way about money – in fact, I freaked out on the metro today because they added a 1 dollar increase to paper farecards. WHAT?! Also, there are a lot of free things to do in DC.. You should check out the museums! The Smithsonian ones are free. And have you been to the zoo?! It’s amazing. I’d be up to doing fun things too
I have a half this weekend! It’s kinda stressing me out.
This place is so expensive just to get around, don’t get me started on how much a week it costs me to get to work. I don’t do anything that costs money so I have done all the free stuff. Haha. I need a blogger meet up bad and before Kate leaves!
Aaah I know how frustrating money can be. when I was growing up in Maine, before my dad got the job he has now, we were like…actually poor haha. How we were forced to live 14 years ago informs the way I handle my money (even though I have enough of it) now, which is a good thing, but something my mom always says when I openly deny myself things for the purpose of saving up is, “You can’t take it with you”. That might help you – Like, you save and save and never spend and never buy anything just for fun or just for you, and then….one day you just die with a lot of money. Well ok that’s kind of morbid, but it really puts things in perspective – you always have enough room in your budget to buy at least, say, one thing a month that’s for the sole purpose of making you happy. The things you mention aren’t big-ticket items, and they ARE worthwhile because they contribute to your quality of life! Happiness is just as much, if not more so, important than having a soft cushion of money to land on when you need it. And if it helps with your stomach (watermelon and probiotics), then that’s one less thing to worry about too
LOVE that your coworkers like to go on walks too ,that’s so necessary! I would have so much trouble sitting at a desk all day haha.As for strength training I can definitely help you out, since there have been times this year where that’s all I’ve been able to do, my physical therapist has also given me some great stuff for your core/hips/glutes/hamstrings that you don’t need any equipment for so totally email me if you want!
Gosh I love your comments.I always look forward to reading them. I grew up with a family that was very frugal. My dad did not have a lot of money growing up either so he knew how to stretch a dollar. I guess it was hard in college being around a bunch of rich kids so luckily I saved up majorly. Probably the only reason I can afford to live in DC now because I saved so much. I just feel like I waste it when I spend it. Uck, so sucky. I need some watermelon, I hope tomorrow I can get some. I may email you about the strength training, I need all the help!
I am sorry you are feeling sick again girl
mehh that is just the worst, so I am sending you major feel better/healing vibes! You should be feeling them any moment now 
I also do get the money concern as well… I get sooo so stressed about it/lacking it, even though I do have enough right now. No need to stress as much as we do, although try telling us that in the moment!
Thanks Tessa,I know I just need to work on my anxiety and then my stomach will fall into place. Woof. Easier said than done.
Yoga is normally my go to for relaxing and unwinding from anxiety. Spending money (read: retail therapy) doesn’t help a whole lot, but at the same time, you gotta remember to treat yourself a little girl
I need to learn how to treat myself!
Def girl !
i think the only advice i can give you is to breathe. i can hear the anxiety in your writing and i so wish that you could find some peace. you’re amazing and i’ve truly enjoyed getting to know you through your blog – i just hope that you know how wonderful you are!
Wow seriously you are too sweet. I think my writing really reflects my anxiety and i feel it too. You are right, breathing and letting the moment pass is what i have to do.
Money stresses me out too. I’m finally going to be living on my own this year and my parents want me to cover the cost of some of my expenses so I’ve been trying to get a part time job I can do during the school year that won’t be too crazy but it’s been so hard to find one! Usually I’m someone who’ll spend money, no problem but now I hate wasting money on anything. But I think it’s good once in awhile to spend a little on something you really love!
I think it is all a process I just have to learn.
I get anxious about things a lot and it will consume my thoughts all day, but I try to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, it is not a big deal (Whatever I am worrying about). There are people all around the world with such huge problems that make my problems look like a cake walk, so I try to stay aware of that! Also it helps me to go to yoga when I am feeling stressed
You are so right, the bigger picture is something I tend to forget about.
Ah, I’m usually one of the first to comment on your posts! Can you believe I didn’t read anyyy blogs yesterday. The hubs got home from work early & we just sat on the couch all day watching the Olympics & taking naps. But I’m back today, don’t you worry
I’m soo friggen excited for your blogger coffee date this weekend. I hope you have the greatest time Alex! You definitely need it. I’m sorry about the money situation. I’m the exact same way. I HATE spending money, and always feel terrible when I do. The hubs & i went through a time where we didn’t have much, and it was a struggle. I had just moved down with him to North Carolina (where he was stationed). We weren’t married, just engaged. We had money saved, but soon realized after both of my jobs that were supposely set up fell through that money goes quick. He also was only making basic pay since we weren’t married yet. There was once a time where we searched our trunk for some $$$ just to get a little snack across the street. It was hard, but you work through it & come out stronger than ever on the other side
. Don’t ever be afraid to treat yourself to a new food, or new outfit. With all your hardwork you do constantly, you deserve the world girl!
Also I hope your belly starts feeling better soon & you get some much needed rest. I was having the hardesttt time getting sleep when I first got here for the first 2 mo. I’m now taking sleeping pills & they really are working wonders!
Aw Jessie, sounds like a great break. we all need those nights! You are so sweet to give me that real life advice and tell me you can relate. I think it is a process I just need to learn and accept which is hard. I am lucky to have great supporters behind me. I wish I could treat myself to things but it feels so hard. Frustrating to say the least. I think my stomach may be due to the heat. Ugh, just figured this out. You will see in my next post.
The heat can do that too you. I think that was the culprit of feeling sick the other day. Make sure to keep staying hydrated girl… even though I know your not a fan of water, lol.
You’re welcome hunnie. You just need to stay positive & know it’s allll good and we’re all here for you!
So funny, my newest post just says that. finally figured out why I am getting so sick. Yuck.
I can relate soooo much to your anxiety and worrying too much about each and everything in life! It really makes me have a hard time eating as well very often,but despite the lack of appetite,you NEED to give your body nourishment and fuel properly,particularly after a run/ workout!
Sometimes,yoga or pilates help me a bit in order to calm my mind though… There are lots of videos/ instructions online,maybe you could try a few?
I think I may try and find some way to recharge at night or right down all my worries so I can sleep!
I love that you guys fit in walks during your work day! LIke your office, everyone at mine works through lunch and my only form of activity (besides my workout) is walking up and down the staircase (small I might add) when I need to use the loo! Hope your stomach sorts itself out- mine was acting up a few days ago and I felt so miserable all day…def unpleasant!
I think it is the heat that is making my stomach worse. ugh. I am so lucky, no one has a lunch break but they love to walk!
I am hoping one day I make friends like that through blogging!(:
I have the same problem as #6:/
You will give it time! I seriously can’t believe the connections I have made!
Watermelon is 2.98 at Safeway!
Oh girl, I grocery shop today and may be lugging one back about 2 miles. Ha, but worth it.
Oh gosh, I have money anxiety, too! I hate spending it and then thinking about the other things I could have bought with it, or the things I could have bought if I had saved it instead. Let’s work on this together!
I am doing a pretty good job at it but i hate it at the same time. I miss the luxuries of being a kid and parents paying for it all. plus being in DC is so dang expensive. my spreadsheet helps me feel more in control.