I know not the phrase, but work with me. Do you ever have those posts that are basically writing themselves in your head all day? In classic word vomit style, this was it. It just started to accumulating after reading posts from Cait, Cheryl, Meg, Lisa, etc. For reasons too crazy to even mention, things have been clicking in my head.
I am a creature of self doubt. That is not a good creature to be. I feed off of the insecurities I build inside of me, the ones that lurk in every corner of my brain, the ones that sometimes are not even mine but the lingering disorder trying to find its way out. Recovery is a process and I would be lying to myself if I said that I am fully recovered. I don’t think a lot of people can say that. Yes, many behaviors, actions and physical symptoms are gone but the lingering thoughts are what can catch you. It is the action of NOT choosing to act on them that places you in recovery.
Lately, my mind has been a gutter. I wish it was just swear words. Instead, I have felt insecure in my body, a recovery body I have had for over a year now. I have felt plagued by triggers that were once manageable and now seem a little more anxiety provoking. There was a time when I would let these consume me and live in it. Just me myself and my negative thoughts. Recovery is not that. I think that is why this funk lately has been throwing me off. I don’t like keeping those thoughts inside so right now I feel completely bulldozed as to why I am keeping them inside yet again.
Oh wait, it is because of doubt. I find it really hard to express some of my triggers and even harder to say how I actually feel. The anti social Alex is struggling to find someone to even attempt to let these thoughts out. Yet, keeping them in is not healthy and I know that. I know the longer I let them fester, the longer they have time to grow. I am such a preacher in that I can tell someone else what to do but taking my own advice is dang hard. I worry that people will judge me that I think this, or I worry about that or that I want to do this. My own self doubt is keeping me in this tight little box that I know so well – perfection.
I have tried all the self setting goals. I have been actively attempting to conquer these thoughts and triggers through all methods necessary – except reach out. Maybe that is the missing step, maybe that is why these thoughts are not going away and making me hide behind a smile. I have no idea. I just know one thing – I am sick of hiding behind doubt and all the empty promises I make myself. I keep saying I will do x, y and z and in the end it doesn’t come through. My doubt, whether from my healthy or disordered mind, holds me back. That is no way to take action and I am saying that straight up.
I think one of my biggest obstacles, is that the idea of ‘struggling’ looks different for everyone. I know from the perspective of never having a disorder, you throw around the word struggling a lot with no meaning. However, with a background like mine, people freak out and start to assume the worst. I HATE THAT. I really feel defeated by this mentality and I know it holds me back big time from reaching out.
So where do I go from here? First off, I move. That will be a great refresher and needed step. Yes, I know I made excuses about where I am but things need to change so physical change will be the first step. Second, I do something. I am not sure what to be honest. I am sick of my excuses, I am sick of the doubts, I am sick of feeling held back by the thoughts. I think my first night in the apartment will be a lot of planning. A lot of much needed planning.
Wow, this came out so differently than I thought it would. But I needed it. I wish I had more of a concrete direction but right now, this works for me. Leaving the self doubt at the door.
Ps. Giveaways end tomorrow night at 7 pm! I probably won’t be doing a post tomorrow until that night to announce the winner so check back in! Another doozy of a day at work tomorrow….