I know not the phrase, but work with me. Do you ever have those posts that are basically writing themselves in your head all day? In classic word vomit style, this was it. It just started to accumulating after reading posts from Cait, Cheryl, Meg, Lisa, etc. For reasons too crazy to even mention, things have been clicking in my head. 
I am a creature of self doubt. That is not a good creature to be. I feed off of the insecurities I build inside of me, the ones that lurk in every corner of my brain, the ones that sometimes are not even mine but the lingering disorder trying to find its way out. Recovery is a process and I would be lying to myself if I said that I am fully recovered. I don’t think a lot of people can say that. Yes, many behaviors, actions and physical symptoms are gone but the lingering thoughts are what can catch you. It is the action of NOT choosing to act on them that places you in recovery.
Lately, my mind has been a gutter. I wish it was just swear words. Instead, I have felt insecure in my body, a recovery body I have had for over a year now. I have felt plagued by triggers that were once manageable and now seem a little more anxiety provoking. There was a time when I would let these consume me and live in it. Just me myself and my negative thoughts. Recovery is not that. I think that is why this funk lately has been throwing me off. I don’t like keeping those thoughts inside so right now I feel completely bulldozed as to why I am keeping them inside yet again. 
Oh wait, it is because of doubt. I find it really hard to express some of my triggers and even harder to say how I actually feel. The anti social Alex is struggling to find someone to even attempt to let these thoughts out. Yet, keeping them in is not healthy and I know that. I know the longer I let them fester, the longer they have time to grow. I am such a preacher in that I can tell someone else what to do but taking my own advice is dang hard. I worry that people will judge me that I think this, or I worry about that or that I want to do this. My own self doubt is keeping me in this tight little box that I know so well – perfection.
I kind of have been living in those moments of ‘oh next time’. Or ‘just this time’. I freaking hate it. I want to buy, eat, do, what I want. No holding back. 
I have tried all the self setting goals. I have been actively attempting to conquer these thoughts and triggers through all methods necessary – except reach out. Maybe that is the missing step, maybe that is why these thoughts are not going away and making me hide behind a smile. I have no idea. I just know one thing – I am sick of hiding behind doubt and all the empty promises I make myself. I keep saying I will do x, y and z and in the end it doesn’t come through. My doubt, whether from my healthy or disordered mind, holds me back. That is no way to take action and I am saying that straight up.
I think one of my biggest obstacles, is that the idea of ‘struggling’ looks different for everyone. I know from the perspective of never having a disorder, you throw around the word struggling a lot with no meaning. However, with a background like mine, people freak out and start to assume the worst. I HATE THAT. I really feel defeated by this mentality and I know it holds me back big time from reaching out. 
So where do I go from here? First off, I move. That will be a great refresher and needed step. Yes, I know I made excuses about where I am but things need to change so physical change will be the first step. Second, I do something. I am not sure what to be honest. I am sick of my excuses, I am sick of the doubts, I am sick of feeling held back by the thoughts. I think my first night in the apartment will be a lot of planning. A lot of much needed planning.
Wow, this came out so differently than I thought it would. But I needed it. I wish I had more of a concrete direction but right now, this works for me. Leaving the self doubt at the door.
Ps. Giveaways end tomorrow night at 7 pm! I probably won’t be doing a post tomorrow until that night to announce the winner so check back in! Another doozy of a day at work tomorrow….
Questions: What helps you squash your self doubt? What is your take on the word struggling? 
Alex, this post is so perfect. I just posted the most darn depressing thing ever, basically begging for help. This is exactly what I needed. I swear, I feel like we’re the same person sometimes. Thank you SO much.
Aw girl, just read your post and my heart goes out to you. Stay positive, you got this.
Thanks for the great post, this really helped me, especially the picture quotes
If you ever want to reach out to me, I’m here, although I’m not sure how to contact people other than commenting on their blog. If you do, feel free to contact me, I check this site way more than I probably should.
I too have trouble with reaching out, and I think that’s what’s making it so hard for me to move in the direction I need to move in. It’s something that I really need to work on, but it’s definitely not easy to do.
To me, struggling means that a person is having a hard time with something and just wants some help, love, encouragement, and support. Ideally, if I told someone I was struggling, they’d talk to me and help me think through it and make sure I don’t use whatever behavior I’m struggling with, instead of the usual reply of “go use one of your recovery tools.” Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time reaching out is because I’ve been shut down.
Sorry for rambling on, but your post helped me realize a lot of things and feel a bit better, so thank you very much for helping me
Thank you for this, I truly mean it. Your comment is so thoughtful and your ideas and thoughts are spot on. I am glad you got something out of it too. Asking for help is the hardest.
Writing this out is huge and a big step! Be proud of yourself. Self-doubt is so destructive, especially for women. Reaching out to someone for help is really hard, but I am so glad that you are seeing that it is ok. Even at my age, I still struggle with things like this. Some ladies at my church are going to do a bible study on Insecurities. It’s by Beth Moore and it’s called So long, Insecurity: You’ve been a bad friend to Us. I have read the book, but I am so excited to do this study with other likeminded women, who frankly deal with the same struggles.
Keep your chin up Alex. **big hug** You are stronger than you think you are.
You always have the sweetest things to say. I think self doubt is so hindering at any age so it kills me to see myself plagued by it.
I am glad you allowed yourself to write this down and simply let your thoughts and emotions “flow” one time. Most of all,I am glad you decided to even hit the “publish”-button in the end because it’s just SO important to reach out and ask for advice sometimes!
First off,I completely understand where you’re coming from. I also tend to think like “oh,I’d like to eat this – but not now. Tomorrow,maybe”,or “oh,I could call my friend tonight! Hmm,no,let’s do it somewhen else…” {I have issues with socializing} but in the end,I acually NEVER do it really. This is SO annoying and frustrating,I know that,but the only thing we can do here is to ACT and CHANGE it – do the things we fear,even though it might seem awfully hard. And trust me,you CAN do it – you are so strong,you’ve proved that multiple times already,and I honestly believe in you.
Those are actions I do too! I am glad I am not alone and I really appreciate you being so honest with me.
You CAN do it! You will get to where you want to be; mentally and physically.
What helps me squash my self doubt is working out. And my take on the word struggling is reaching and not able to get where you want to be.
so true, I have to agree with that endorphin high. It is what is keeping me sane right now. But also why I miss fitness classes so much.
Self doubt is such a tough emotion to deal with, I find that it seems to propagate so fast, like a crazy cycle or something. Once it starts it’s really hard to get out of the cycle and break the thought pattern. I’m glad you shared whats on your mind, I wish I had advice for how to overcome this! Maybe the move with trigger something good for you and help you out
Self doubt is totally a trigger for me and I don’t even realize it sometimes. It surely sneaks up!
Sending you hugs to get rid of your self doubt! I hope it helped to write it down and get it out there.
Thank you Melissa, always looking for those positive vibes.
wonderful post, Alex. Self-Doubt is HARD. it SUCKS. and I feel like sometimes when it seems like everything is going okay, it just kinda sneaks up. I struggle with self-doubt BAD. I rarely feel “good enough”, “pretty enough”….and i really, really struggle to just accept myself, especially my body, for what it is.
Unfortunately, I don’t have much advice for how to work through this…I’m still figuring it out myself, but I wanted to let you know that you’re definitely not alone. Thanks so much for sharing…you’re amazing
Thank you for writing this, it really feels good to hear from people and see that side of it. I appreciate it a lot lovely!
In moments of self doubt I have learned to sit and write down all the positive things I have going on in my life. Then making a list of what I want to change and making a plan to change them little by little. You can’t dive into it all at once, baby steps..
I am so going to do this tonight. I love this idea.
This is a great post lady, and you should be proud of writing it!! I think everyone has self doubt, but some more than others. I def never consider myself able to do something until I do it. Im just not one of those who believes in themselves. But if you can just try it, and then DO it, you’ll see that you are able to do anything.
I think I need to realize that actually stepping into action will be a good thing for me. As I wrote earlier, leap of faith is necessary.
Great post Alex! Sometimes things really really suck and the only way to get through it is to try to spin it and make it positive, which is what you are doing. I know this post will help a lot of people!
Aw Laurie so sweet to say that. I think I needed it and I hope other people find that as well.
great post Alex. Sometimes we just need to write out how much things suck in order to turn it around and make our thoughts/ thought process into a more positive one! You know what you have to do so make yourself happy it is only a matter of doing it and I know you can do it and you know deep down that you can do it!
Thanks kaitlin, it did help a lot writing it all out. I needed it!
Great post, Alex! I feel like we all go through phases of self doubt. That’s when I keep repeating “fake it till you make it.” Usually other people have no idea what you are struggling with internally.
Yep, that phrase is totally staying by my side this week.
When I’m feeling down on myself or struggling, refocusing my attention on God makes all the difference in the world. It may not *fix* everything, but it gives me a chance to lean on someone and know that He will be with me through it all. It’s okay to not have it all together, you’re recognizing that things aren’t right and you’ll be able to move forward. We’re here for you!!
Ah you are so right. I tend to forget the greatest power of God’s love when I get overwhelmed.
This is a great post and I can totally relate to a lot of it. I suffer from “imposter syndrome” (unable to internalize and take credit for my accomplishments. I’ve just been “lucky” or learned how to tell people what they want to hear) and have for quite some time. At one point it was so bad that instead of applying to PhD programs I went to get my second masters. I doubted myself that much. I thought I wasn’t smart enough for a PhD and that my good grades and test scores were just a reflection of knowing what to say or do NOT ACTUALLY KNOWING THINGS though. With the help of a mentor at the University of Michigan, I eventually overcame much of my imposter syndrome. Sometimes it rears its ugly head, but I just give my mentor, or friends, or family a call and they give me a shot of confidence. Keep working through it…it will come!!!
Oh gosh wow this comment was super helpful. I love the phrase imposter syndrome and you sharing your story. I think a mentor or friend is something I am searching for now. You are great!
Your first quote picture totally saved my life today!!!
I am so glad you found it helpful Maren!
Great post sweetie!
We definitely all have those moments when we doubt ourselves and what we are doing. Its great you got these emotions and thoughts out there in a post, that will help you so much emotionally just just free yourself and let others know how you are feeling and that is a huge step! You are strong and you can do this!
Thank you for sharing that, I tend to forget that things can hit the fan time and time again. I appreciate your positive outlook a lot.
This post may have come out differently than you thought, but I think it was what you needed. You have such great insight into yourself, you just need to trust your heart, brain and GO WITH IT. Like you said, no excuses, nothing holding you back, just do what you KNOW is right for you.
This is obviously easier said than done but I have faith in you girl. Keep going! We are all here right behind you supporting you 100% of the way!
Thank you so much girl, I follow your blog and see very similar thoughts to what I once had. You remind me to be honest and to stay strong. Hang in there!
Love this post, Alex! I too have a lot of self-doubt. I think being more conscious about it has helped me try to counteract it, as well as writing it out on my blog or in a journal!
I am glad you could relate!
So proud of your honesty sweet girl! Self-doubt and perfectionism seem to stick around a lot longer than active ED behaviors. Kudos to you for tackling them. I’m keeping you in my heart this week as you move
Thank you those two are the toughest to stick to for sure!
I admire your honesty- you are definitely on the right track by remaining open through the struggles. And I am sure you are impacting so many others through your words and you’re willingness to fight back. Keep fighting, look at this huge supportive community that’s behind you!
Gosh you are so sweet Laura, I appreciate your feedback and encouragement. That is why I love this community!
You just put into words what I’ve been thinking a lot lately! I’ve been struggling on and off since my eating disorder started but since the people around me think I’m ‘recovered’ now because I’m not as sick as I once was, I feel like I can’t ask for help. I always feel like in anything I do I can’t ask for help because it’ll make me look weak and like I don’t know how to do anything for myself, but reaching out is one of the strongest things a person can do. And I think you can do it!
Ah that dual pull is tough, I feel you on that. I think it is hard to express, yes I am struggling, but no I am not entrenched.
We all suffer from self-doubt in someway or another. I try to be victorious over my self-doubt by using self-talk, setting myself goals and learning to acknowledge my achievements and give them the credit they deserve. I am also constantly working on trying to prioritise my ‘worries’ and ask myself ‘Is this really worth worrying about?’ – If it is, I work through the motions and allow myself to be anxious, stressed, nervous etc. If it is not, a squash it and try to move on.
What great advice Kelly, I love the approach you use. I am always looking for new ways to approach the anxiety without letting it defeat me. thank you!