What I don’t Say.

This week is huge for me. And I want to talk about all the amazing thing ahead and I will but today I need to pump the brakes. This is one of those posts that sat in my drafts staring at me. So bear with me here. My blog allows me to write and I kind of need to get this out more than ever. Sometimes it is what I don’t say that actually says the most about me.

Lately, my mind and eyes have been falling into traps. Traps that have made me take a step back in many aspects of my life.

You hear about recovery. You have heard about mine. You hear about the tough points. The breaking points. The shining moments. I have shared many of those with you throughout my blog journey. One of the biggest battles of it all happened in inpatient in 2011 when I was forced to gain the weight. Gaining weight is so taboo in recovery. What I mean by that is people always think, oh you gain the weight back you are healed. So false, yet the role of gaining is still a major step in recovery. A significant life change has to happen in recovery to move you away from the ED into a healthier life. Things can’t go back to the way they were. Period.

Gaining is not easy. But necessary. I believed for so long that I could do it my way. In high school, even with team after team, day treatment after day treatment, my mind would get to a point but my body would not. The disconnect was apparent which is why that form of ‘my recovery’ was anything but true recovery. It kills me to see those struggling talk about all the mental gains they have made. Sure, you can make a lot of mental strides but the work begins (as I was always told) after you gain the weight. It is not until you gain that the mental transformation can begin. Gaining is about being uncomfortable and continuously pushing through it. Gaining is not about building muscle, it isn’t about staying safe and finding where your body naturally functions. It is about letting go of all those ED thoughts and doing the opposite. One by one.

Eating disorder stories start with the struggle, the treatment and the recovery. What what about the after? What about when life starts to get normal?

I’ve been at a healthy weight now for two years. But in all truth, I haven’t inhabited this body. I avoid it. Lately, the thoughts have been powerful, intense and often times debilitating. I hate saying all this because I KNOW these thoughts are not my thoughts, they are the ED thoughts. The aftermath is a tough one and my mind is rightfully confused. The comparisons are intense, between myself and others, with anything I read, with anything I watch. What I have to be really clear about is that I know is that this is a mental issue, not a physical one. But it is also a physical disconnect that could improve with some physical changes – not weight related. Make sense?

I live in denial in many ways that my body is this way. I avoid mirrors. I avoid tight clothes. I put up safety barriers that at the gaining time worked and were necessary. I remember being told to allow those defense mechanisms to set up a boundary. But it has been two years. Two years of wishing and thinking I looked better ‘back then’. Gag. I hate writing that.

My thought process is all wrong here and I know it. It is sick. I say ‘well the old Alex had an amazing sense of style, loved shopping, wore cute clothes, and didn’t think about her body’. On the other hand, my eyes had no life, I constantly thought about food and I isolated myself like the plague. But still that mental barrier remains. There is still the part of me that says ‘when I am like this’ and worse ‘your current state is temporary’.

I don’t know why I felt the need to put this all out there but I hope it puts things in perspective. For me and others.  I am not perfect. I think recovery can be clouded. Recovery can be masked. And recovery can be secret. There is no end to recovery and what I am facing is a road block. A big ass road block that needs some digging into. Like I said before, nothing will move forward if I don’t yet again make a change. And something I need to say is, for the first time a big road block is not setting me back. I am not acting on these thoughts, I am not bingeing, not restricting – that amazing difference from me two years ago is what I need to remain focused on.

And the Alex standing here has no idea what the next steps are. All I know is I can’t let these thoughts continue at this magnitude because it is only one slippery slope back down. Shutting down has been my go to but I am for once realizing this is bigger than me, something that I wish I had those supports I once had just a quick connection away.

What I do know is I can get through this. What I know is I can find strength in the struggle. What I know is being honest and not hiding this from my supports shows recovery. What I know is I now choose to write about these thoughts rather than act.

Take what you need from this. For you. For a friend. All I know is I needed to write this. What I keep reminding myself is…there is beauty in the breakdown.

Snack Attack Giveaway: Words on the Tip of my Tongue

I don’t understand where Friday went. One minute I was heading to CrossFit at 6 am and next I was finally getting back to my apartment at 8:15 pm from a walk. I have to say though, it is those kind of days that make me realize what I really need to be working on. Vague, I hate it too, but I swear it will come soon.

Truth: I was SLAMMED at the running store today. By myself. With customers you put on your ‘never come back’ list. Brutal

Truth: CrossFit was eh. I wish I could find a way to describe it more but that is all I got. What I did love was the community, the friendliness, the help from the instructor, being with people working out and the conditioning workout (30 squats, 15 pull ups, 15 cleans through three times). It was hard. I was sweating, out of breath at time but 8 minutes total. What I didn’t like – the stopping and starting. We did so many smaller things before actually getting to the 8 minute workout. I also didn’t like the pains that were not sore pains. The pains from the bar hitting your collar bone, hands being ripped apart by those damn bars. I can see how people get injured too. In the end, I can’t and won’t pay 165 a month for workouts like that. I get more pleasure out of classes at the gym so I will stick with that. With a much smaller price tag.

False: I am not counting down the hours till I get dinner with Megan tonight. I swear I don’t have an alarm on my phone labeled MEGANNNNN.

Truth: A two hour walk with a buddy tonight was beyond needed. Chatting the whole time. Getting it all out there.

Truth: Something is weighing on me lately. Consuming my thoughts in all the wrong way. It will come out. Later.

False: BBQ could never be in my life again after I was diagnosed with Celiacs. Oh this is more than false and a snack attack I can’t wait to share.

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Stubb’s Legendary Kitchen

What I didn’t realize when I was diagnosed with Celiacs was what it would do to my flavor enhancers. I was a sauce girl. I loved soy sauce, dressings and most of all BBQ sauce. Drizzle that stuff on anything. Since being diagnosed, I hadn’t found a brand I really liked or was super into. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when I found a Texas based company doing it right. Stubb’s Legendary Bar B Q is the nation’s #1 premium, small batch, all natural barbecue sauce makers. Their line includes sauces, marinades and rubs that are gluten free and contain no high fructose corn syrup. These products only use pure cane sugar and molasses.

Their Sauce line includes Original, Sweet Heat, Spicy, Hickory Bourbon, Smokey Mesquite and Honey Pecan with an average of 20 calories and 110 milligrams of sodium per tablespoon. Now this girl is all about the spice so when I saw the Spicy included I dived right in. What a punch of heat but not too much so that the flavor came through. The Smokey Mesquite was that smoke you get from grilling and a slight heat making any piece of meat taste that much better. Their Marinades include Chicken Marinade, Beef Marinade, Pork and Steakhouse Marinades, Texas Butter and Chipotle Butter. The Chicken Marinade had that hint of brown sugar adding a sweetness to the onion and garlic profile with an added zest from the citrus. Drool. What doesn’t taste good with those flavors? I use Rubs more than anything else when I cook because I tend to forget to marinade my things or have the patience too with my schedule. These rubs added such a punch of flavor to anything – whether it is meat, vegetables or even eggs.

But me talking about it doesn’t give it justice. Which is why Stubb’s was nice enough to allow one lucky winner to win THREE coupons for free Stubb’s products in their line.

All you have to do is tell me the most creative way you would use a Stubb’s Legendary Kitchen product! A winner will be chosen Monday night at 8pm! 

Current: Give the Dog A Bone

I am lacking all kinds of coherent thoughts today. It was bound to happen. I’m going to keep it short and sweet.

You may read slash really SHOULD read Katie’s blog and she does this thing called “Last Things Thursday”. All creativity juices are down the tubes today so I’m adapting and borrowing this awesome theme.

Current Alarm: 5:30 Am. Normally Fridays are my rest days but this week my coworker finally wrangled me into a crossfit class with her. It’s free and I’m terrified so why not shock my body? Full report come Monday. I’m just going to put a woof out there because I am pretty sure I will be howling.

Current Phone background: Oh Zoe. Can’t wait for countless walks and play time.

Current Need: An eyebrow wax. Thank goodness these caterpillars are getting waxed when I am home next week. They are about to crawl off my face. Nothing feels better than an eyebrow waxing.

Current Shuffle Jam: Honey I’m Home – True life my sister and friend had a dance to this song. I may or may not still remember every move.

 

Current Song Recommendation: I told you I am always on the look out and open for suggestions. Megan came in full force and yet again, I likey.

 

Current Contemplation: To run the Merrell Down & Dirty 10k in July? I mean I have yet to have a race in July AND I have been dying to do an obstacle race course. I wish I was not an indecisive person. I mean really.

Current Status: After Crossfit, I have a full day at the running store. Only me would schedule my one day off from my other job to work. I’m stupid. I know.

Current Wish: That I was embarking on the road trip my sister and her boyfriend are doing to New England. I just keep telling myself I will see her in less than a week. I can make it.

Current Countdowns: So many. 6 days till I go home. 3 more work days at my job. 17 more days till my first day at my new job.

Current Craving: Sweetgreen. Yes I just want one of their crazy overpriced yet oh my goodness delicious salads. That and watermelon. Because I still have yet to have watermelon.

Current Realization: I am in that stage of ‘lasts’. Last mentor session. Last ride from Capitol Heights. eek.

Current Mourning: I am so lucky that So You think You Can Dance started or else I would be way more depressed about the last episode of The Office EVER being on last night. Gosh I am going to miss that cast, the awkward humor and the quotable lines. Don’t worry, I own every dvd so I can remember the past but still… Dwight! Jim! Pam! Michael! This show will always hold a special place in my heart. It is the only show I have followed the whole way through, from start to finish.

Ok, I am done for now. Got a lot going on between transitioning and working. Have a great Friday!

Question: What is your current? 

Conversations, Hesitations In My Mind: Running Confessions

 

Yep, I just went all old school on you. But what a better introduction to some confessions. You will all be reading this as I do a brutal tempo treadmill run, yes you heard treadmill. When I have some real booty kicking, the treadmill is where I go to hit those faster times. Sweat fest.

Before I go on, you may have noticed on twitter I signed up for the Army 10 miler. That means I have Falmouth Road Race in August, Navy Half Marathon in September and Army 10 miler in October. You know what that means, I am on a mission to do a race a month next year. This is so different than what I have ever done, much more planned and way less spread out. But I kind of want to try it, maybe some months will even have two races depending on the time of year. Totally ready for this challenge. Now I just need to drag some buddies COUGH MEGAN  COUGH OLIVE along.

I think as a runner, really as any sort of athlete or exerciser, you have those things you do. Sure, they seem perfectly normal to me but I bet to others – plain weird. I mean you all already know the TMI details of me so why not some more? The Runner 2.0, behind the scenes.

• Bushes are my friend. You all knew this one already. I have zero shame. Nothing ruins a morning run more than trying to hold your bladder. Nothing. So if I need to go, bush happens. Almost had a run in with a media camera the other day making me realize I may need to be a bit more aware of what is around me. I thought I had dealt with it all after the raccoon but right before I was about to dart into a bush I see a traffic camera on the other side of the road just filming the cars going by. I chose to keep running, no one wants to a someone disappear behind a bush and come out a minute later. 

• I sing while I run. Or at least mouth the words. Get a good jam on and I totally forget that I am running in public and cars are whizzing by.

• I am a shoulder chucker. Let me explain. I don’t consider myself an angry person, I really don’t. I don’t like confrontation all that much but I swear things switch when running comes into play. Nothing peeves me more than having someone see me coming right at them yet refuse to even move to the side. They stay right in the middle either by themselves or with another or a dog, no movement. I do what all classy kids do, I run through them. A little shoulder bump and I continue off. Share the road people.

• I re-wear clothes far too often. I’m a grimy person. And a cheap person. That is a bad combo. The way I go through running clothes is insane and the amount of times I actually do laundry each month is around 1 or 2. See a problem? I do a lot of hand washing or let’s just call it ‘drying out’ to consider them clean again in between washes. Hey, I run by myself. It’s only me myself and I that cares.

• I rarely stretch. This is a confession that I wish I could change but with my schedule stretching has been few and far between. Not good.

• I impulsively sign  up for races. I am not one of those people who hear about a race, stew and then sign up a bit later. No. I hear about it, log on and sign up. Like yesterday. I saw tons of tweets about the Army 10 miler so the rational person got online, saw there only about a few hundred bibs left and signed up. I am NOT the impulsive spender at all but when it comes to running it is like my credit card couldn’t come faster.

• I am a tomboy runner. I have spent about $0 on exercise clothes in the past three or more years. I wear cotton tshirts, longer shorts and old long sleeve cotton shirts when its colder. All my running clothes are free from races or cheap from TJMaxx. All my money goes to Mizunos. Those I buy like they are going out of style.

• I throw away my medals and bibs. No wonder I can’t accurately say how many races I have run. I am the opposite of a hoarder, I am a tosser. I get rid of stuff a lot and I have no way or desire to keep those. Maybe one day that will change.

Goodness I can’t believe it is already Thursday. Tonight our last mentor session and my last mentor session ever. (Until I return next year as a mentor). Shiz got real.

Question: What is your exercise confession? I can handle it. 

Thank You Notes: The Sun is Not

Ah Jimmy Fallon. Think I am on a kick or what? I should mention I only listen to his late night show in the background at work never actually watching it at night when it airs. Best part of my day though despite only voices. So I guess you could call this a copy cat of his Friday tradition. I mean who doesn’t have thousands of thank you letters they need to catch up on? I know I sure do.

To bad I don’t have the background music like he does. Poor Jimmy baseball. Mentally put yourself there, this video should help.

 

Thank you… Megan, a girl who reminds me of how much Jimmy can brighten my day and also that reminder of how fashion is not my forte. Double whammy now – dresses cute AND works at an amazing clothing store. Not fair.

Thank you… Metro delays, for making my morning commute a good practice of steadying my breath and controlling my anger. My rap music is getting a lot of good use I may add.

Thank you… coworker hangouts that may kill me. My coworker wants to take me to her Crossfit gym she has been going to all year. 7 am Friday. I am a tad nervous. Slash peeing my pants nervous.

Thank you… Facebook, for allowing the world to see my ‘liking’ spree I may have done to all of the pictures of my sister and boyfriend at his graduation. They were just too darn cute it was hard to control the COMMENT ON ALL.

Thank you… They Might Be Giants, for playing randomly on my itunes. I still remember the full dance video I made for it with a best friend in middle school. They also taught me my science. Did you know the sun is a mass of incandescent gas?

 

Thank you… first new work email, for entering my inbox at the exact right moment of the day making me a bundle of excitement and anxious energy. Even though it was just a ‘hey here’s what’s going on’ email, it made it all more real. Crazy, five more work days here.

Thank you… final class moments, making me beam with a proud mom feeling. I have to do some finishing check ins with students just because mentor sessions end this week. I ask them about their school work, improvements, sets goals and about if they want to continue with BUILD. Ones who I swore would not continue are – making me just so happy. BUILD will only help them and I think BPC really iced the cake for them on what they can achieve. BOO YA – best win I could ever feel.

Thank you… Amy’s Baking Company, for some crazy ass entertainment. I know, I am a sucker for train wrecks but boy did this episode I found after reading this Buzzfeed article make me laugh out of pure ridiculousness.

 

Thank you…premiere of So You Think You Can Dance, for being a two night not one night premiere. One night was just wasn’t enough.

Thank you… inability to say no. I am now working at the running store Friday for a good portion of the day. Darn. I know the money is worth it but still it is just another example of me being unable to just let me be.

Thank you… bad body image for making this week even more of a doozy. I am not sure if it is the new job approaching and me wanting to show up the best me or what. Any way you look at it, negative thoughts are storming and make it a little tougher than normal.

Hump day joy. One full week till I am home. One full week till my old job is done. Chugga chugga.

Question: What would your thank you note be? 

Trade em Up Tuesday: Carry Me Home

Nah nah nah nah nah.. That song (if you know what it is…) was actually my ringtone on the phone in my bedroom at home. It was one of the only ringtone options my phone had at the time. Totally old school. I haven’t had a land line or real phone since high school. This was the ringtone on my cellphone for ages. What does it say about me?

 

But back to Tuesday. Monday ended up being a tad bit longer than expected and it didn’t help I was dragging already. Coffee me people. Coffee me.

I would trade… no trivia night. The graduation lasted till about 8:30 so I didn’t get home till well after 9. Grandma over here did not like that. I keep telling myself though that my mini break can be filled with early bedtimes. Chug through.

I would NOT trade… being able to be at their graduation. The kids try to put it off that they don’t care, they are not all about the celebrations, but deep down they do. I wish I got to work more with the seniors this year but sadly the mentor sessions I had to facilitate were at the same time. Still, I’m so proud of this crew.

I would NOT trade… So You Think You Can Dance coming back. TONIGHT and tomorrow night are the back to back premieres. Holy smokes am I stoked. This was a show my sister and I were/are/will always be obsessed with. Can’t freaking wait. I want half of their talent.

 

I would trade… the fact Megan did not get my The Office reference. I know how we will spend our time this summer. Watch all The Offices!!

I would trade… metro woes. I swear nothing is worse than kicking off a Monday than a hellish commute. I have found a new metro character – The Guy everyone Hates. Yesterday a train was stopped at my platform for 30 minutes because the doors would not close. The train was  packed like sardines so obviously someone was just in the way and the sensor was forcing the doors back open. Yet no one would budge or step off. That one person who just had to be on THAT train even though there was one two minutes behind forced the whole train to unload. Yep, unload and pull away empty. The next train was like a mad hustle to grab a spot because the platform now looked like glorified mob of angry commuters. Personal hell up in there.

I would trade… the impending shopping I need to do for my new job. I hate clothes shopping. With a fiery passion. But I have zero pants so that is a clear problem.

I would NOT trade… this sequence of Best Body Bootcamp workouts. I was getting bored again and losing that strength training motivation. I needed the switch badly so I was psyched to hit the full body circuits. Sadly, this will be my last BBBC because I am joining classes but still – got to push it till the end.

I would trade… my strange obsession with getting fake glasses. Guys, I want them. I can’t explain it but I am dying to get some frames. It is the perfect timing too, I can start my new job with a whole new staff that has no idea I don’t actually need glasses. It’s gonna happen.

I would trade… my all of a sudden writer’s block. I honestly believe when I have the most on my mind the harder it makes to actually sit down and write. I am waiting for that word vomit. Patiently.

I would NOT trade… the clean up time. With this job winding down I am in the process of making a manual for the new hire that I will never be able to meet. Not the most fun task, not at all.

I would trade… a sore butt. I totally forgot how tiring biking was. Especially when you live on an uphill no matter what you do. My butt needs to get used to it too, really used to it. I feel like a newbie all over again.

I would NOT trade… the fact I am home in 8 days. Get me there. So many hugs are ready to be given.

Questions: What would you trade this Tuesday? What wouldn’t you trade? 

MIMM: Remember What Your Old Pal Said

I am getting way too nostalgic over here. Saturday ended and while I felt a huge weight off my shoulders, I couldn’t help but feel pretty darn sad. It is getting real over here.

Today I can’t help but bust from the seams with the marvelousness. 

Marvelous is… the Business Plan Competition coming to a close. It was a freaking long 12 hours on my feet but worth every second. The first round had 14 teams where 4 advanced t the final round. A big sigh of relief was when the four teams who I hoped would be in the final round were. The final presentations went flawlessly. The whole day went without a hiccup. The faces of the all of our kids holding up their certificates, the final team collecting their $1000 in cash with that look in their eyes, the student support for those at their school – nothing better.

Marvelous is… watching a difference BUILD has made. We did a mini senior graduation during the final round. We brought up our 20 seniors, the largest graduating class yet. 100% of them have been accepting to college. That is a statistic we are proud of.

Marvelous is… BUILD alumni. We are still fairly new here at this branch. However, we did have a student who is now a junior in college do a speech for us. She will be speaking in California as well as at our annual BUILD gala with the creator of Twitter and CEO of Yahoo (holy shiz). I won’t lie, her speech made me tear up. She said she developed this anger, this anger from her unstable youth, anger as her mom suffered from a paralyzing stroke, anger as her home in DC had caution tape surrounding it. BUILD gave her hope in herself and hope in her future, that is what she proves today as she goes through college on a scholarship and is that role model for her younger siblings.

Marvelous is… a high school friend Camille coming to watch the final competition. DC feels a bit more welcoming when you have friends taking time out of their day to support you in one of the biggest events for you this year. I had the biggest smile when I saw her. When she asked where Alex was, the answer was she is running around like a mad woman. Oh yeah, that was me.

Marvelous is… keeping the one hiccup unknown. So, I lied. There was a pretty big hiccup. During the final presentation, all of a sudden a few of us staff members heard screaming. We kept the final presentations going as a few of us went to see what went down. Nothing like beef between a 9th grader and 11th grader in a our program on the GW campus to break the peace in that building. Students in the building (who by the way were watching it like a movie) called the police. What didn’t help was that the parents were egging it on, making me feel sick just saying it. I wonder where they learn that behavior. Woof. My coworker had to physically get between them to prevent a full on fight from happening.

Marvelous is… 7 more work days. Is this real? Friday we get a comp day because of Saturday meaning I have only seven more work days. Seven.

Marvelous is… not working a double today. Thank the lord. I’m thinking trivia night is in order with my running store coworkers.

Marvelous is… Judy returning. In other words you probably should have watched SNL. Kristen Wiig and Vampire Weekend and the Lawrence Walker Show. Come on people. Just do it.

Marvelous is… a long week leading to an awesome Friday. I may have to work late every night this week but on Friday I get a fun afternoon with this girl. Beyond needed.

Marvelous is… letting go. I think I go into a lot with high expectations. Sometimes they are surpassed but then there are those times when, sadly, they fall short. I think I was letting that ‘falling short’ hold me back and I was developing that isolation tendency again. Instead I am continually reminded to let go. If it is not meant to be it isn’t meant to be. It feels good to get out there again.

Tonight is our actual senior graduation so after a day at work I will be helping at the graduation. Happy Monday friends!

Question: What is marvelous about your Monday?